NO PAIN, NO GAIN Most of the troubles in the world today are man-made or they are a result of someone's decision or action. Most people don't want to take the responsibility and often pass the bucket and play the blame game. If everyone made their space the best that it can be what I much better world this would be. I don't belieive God tests us but I do believe we are taught lessons. So often I have tested God. Okay Big Guy, let's see if you are up to this! Part of grief is bargaining and I did a lot of that with the God of my understanding. He is a loving God, but for me, more importantly, He is a forgiving one. Most times I cause my own pain and it is a result of choices I have made in the past be it even two days ago. In today I try to make healthy choices. What goes around comes around! My brother was killed when he was two and I was three. My mother told me that I would go up to my uncle who was driving the truck that ran over him and ask, "Why did you kill my Dougies?" I heard her tell the story many times and it reinforced that I was a bad girl and that I should say those things. I had trouble for years communicating with that uncle because of it. I felt shame and guilt. It wasn't until I was in recovery that I learned that I was a little girl in pain and didn't know how to deal with her pain. I was there, saw it happen and all I can remember is me "Calling Dougie, come out of the way." I thought it was my fault because he was coming to me when he was run over. I later learned that when he was born, I nominated myself as his caregiver. I felt the guilt because I wasn't able to safe him and take care of him. It was heavy burden for a little girl to carry, let alone the woman who didn't deal with the issue unto 50 years later. In order to let go of my pain, I have had to confront my past. A lot of people say leave it there and live in today. So much of what I am feeling or reacting too is a result of something from my past, often stuff that I have forgotten and haven't addressed or had made a decision at the time not to deal with it and have put it on the shelf until such a time as i could. Many times over the years, I have taken things down, looked at them and put them back because I didn't want to go through the pain of dealing with them. I don't keep one foot in yesterday, I don't keep looking over my shoulder, but I am aware in today. I ask for that awareness that inner knowingness that I need for recovery in today. I enjoy recovery and yet in truth, reality can suck! When you finally find reality, if you notice something that needs changing, it will haunt you until you do something about it. I know that part of my physical pain in today is insecurities. Not so much about money, but about getting around and doing for myself and not being dependent on others. Today I made myself walk downtown and back instead of taking the bus. When I got to the mall, I was having major muscle spasms and cramping. If I don't keep moving, if I stop, I may not start again. I need to do the do things for me. I would love to get a scooter but my doctor has advised against it but if my knee gets much worse I may have to get one. It is important that I exercise and feed my body, mind and spirit. My emotions can make themselves known physically. I need to work on my emotional sobriety every day. This is a one day at a time program. What I did yesterday, two weeks ago, a month ago, doesn't give me sobriety in today. It is a 24 hour program, not a 2-4 hour a day program. I can't leave my program at my door I must take it out into the community.

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