Powerlessness

[MajestyJo]

A member of my group relapsed tonight after six years of sobriety.

My first thought was she had no defense against that first drink. It seemed a very judgmental thought, yet I realized a lot of it was based on the knowingness that it could have been me.

I am powerless over people, places and things. I have no defense except a daily connection with my Higher Power which gives me the freedom of choice. If I was faced with similar circumstances, would I have done the same thing?

I would like to think not, yet this disease is cunning, baffling and powerful. I was not surprised, like most people in the room I think, but that is because with high emotions and some testing times myself, I know that I have had to do things for myself that I didn't see this woman doing. I called her twice in the last 10 days and didn't get a returned phone call. That is one of the biggest indicators that something is wrong unless she had gone away and there was no mention at the group.

The bottom line was that this woman was there for everyone else but didn't take time for herself, and didn't have her own network in place. I experienced something like this myself. No one seemed to be "there" when I needed them. It was like they expected me to be Ms. Indispensible and there for them and I believed it and thought that of myself. I allowed myself to forget my own humanness, and I am very glad that I didn't pick up myself. I am grateful that she did the research for me.

I am hoping she will call me. I told her to call me any time, day or night. People don't realize that often we need them, just as much as they need us.

My esh shared at another site.


Having been on both sides of the street, I can identify with each. I am so grateful that once I found AA, I never found it necessary to pick up and they in turn led me to Al-Anon. I have one reason to go to AA and 3-33 reasons to go to Al-Anon.

I am just as powerless over my son's disease and I was powerless over my own disease prior to recovery. I am powerless today if I don't turn my day over to my Higher Power, one day at a time.

[Pythonpappy]

Hey JoJo, ... How Youuuu doin'?

Okay, to be serious here, my thought of this person's relapse, more than likely, is due to 'complacency' ... (resting on laurels) ...

At yesterday's 'noon' meeting, we talked about that point most of us get to where BAM, we notice that sale on bourbon, without conscious thought, and we wonder, where did that come from? it is a surprize ... where we perhaps stop at a convenience store and with NO conscious thought, we find our selves standing in front of the beer cooler, just like the old days ... And we think, how did I come to be standing here? ...

Perhaps we have not sufficiently trained our 'sub-conscious' mind well enough to make sober thinking active in both consciousness and sub-consciousness ... remember, alcohol is a subtle foe and it is imperitive to practice our program routinely every day ... so as to make our thoughts and actions be automatic ... (takes time and practice)

We all have daily routines where we perform certain tasks and give it no conscious thought what-so-ever ... and unless and until we re-train our brains to make meditation and prayer and going to meetings, etc. a daily 'automatic' routine and response activity, then we're in danger of our old routine sneaking up on us ...

Just think, have you ever arrived home to realize, BAM, you're home and you don't remember that last mile you traveled to get there? ... Where you were in such deep 'conscious' thought about something else that your 'SUB-conscious' led you home automatically? ... Only practicing our AA steps daily without fail, will we sufficiently train our sub-conscious to a new way of thinking ...

Does any of this make any sense to anyone? ... Just a thought ...


Love Ya and God Bless,:42:
Pappy

[MajestyJo]

Didn't think I had black outs, but when I looked back I could see lapses of memory and thought I had just forgot. I know my husband use to get annoyed with me because I remembered everything, especially what he did wrong the night before, and I called him on it. One time, I was driving home from a corn roast. It would be about 15-20 miles not sure, but I kept waiting for the bridge to come and I had already crossed it. That was the only time I was conscious of forgetting something shortly after it happened, now I can blame it on senility. Fibromyalgia (arthritis) causes you to forget, it makes you sensitive to smell and sounds are amplified, so a lot of times I think it was the alcohol when in fact it was the arthritis. I became addicted because of pain.

I have had more black out in recovery than I had when I was using. I have been wedded and bedded so many times, I lost count. As I always said, "If they knew what I did do, they would have reason to talk. If they are going to talk, get the facts before you spread all the rumors. Gossip just about killed me. People didn't understand me and I still had the feelings of not belonging. Because I didn't do things the way others did. I didn't sit for hours at the coffee shop. I went home, I often had recovery people in my home. If someone felt like using, they would come and stay at my place, they knew they were safe there. I always believed if you had enough for one, you had enough for two. I was doing Step 12 work not Step 13. One of the fellows who came by, I knew in NA when I first came in and later met him in CA. He gave me and my boyfriend tickets to go see my idol Alan Jackson and Deana Carter. What goes around comes around.

Because of my chronic pain, I don't think I could ever become complacent, I have needed this program ever day of the last 20 years, 3 months and counting. Now this is a bit of ego, but the best year of my life was when I was 57 years old.