When You "know" That Something Is Not Quite Right~ My Journey Begins Now

[Laurenrich777]

I am new to this message board. I searched for AA message boards and found this community. I hope to have some amazing changes in the next year and I suspect that this board will be part of my journey.
I have a very similar story to tell. I started drinking at 22 years old. Everyone around me did it. Before that, I could drink one night and not drink for a year, all that changed at 22.
Wine was the first daily drink that I came to think was normal. My ex husband, a Delta Captain was a king martini drinker. Happy Hour was normal for his sphere of friends. You were expected to go to happy hour.
He was actually the one that called my attention to the fact that I was putting down a bottle of wine a night. And there he was with his martini every evening ???
Finally one morning I could not go into the office because I drank so much wine the night before. My hands were shaking badly.
That was my second clue that something was not quite right.

We divorced, I started a career in Real Estate (this was back in 2002) and while I did attend some meetings, the longest I went without a drink was 1 month.

Fast forward to 2003. I met a wonderful man from a wonderful family. He did not come with baggage; no previous marriage or children and no issues with drugs or drinking. We recently had two beautiful babies who are 13 months apart so as you can imagine, I am busy with babies and my work.

Yet here I am, still able to put down a bottle a night. Searching night after night for the solice that I think the wine gives me.
My husband is blessed, he can not drink for months at a time. And while he is blessed, he does not quite get why I can't do the same.
Which is why I am here. I am here because I want to be around for my children. I know that drinking so much wine will hurt many parts of my body and my soul must be in pain otherwise I would not drink like I do.

So I will start my journey by looking for a meeting~

Thank you for reading.

[samf]

Welcome! I am sending a hug and very glad you are here! Please let us know how you are doing.

Samf

[Laurenrich777]

Thank you for your kind welcome and for responding to my post. I actually attended my first meeting in about six or so years ago yesterday. It felt great to be in a room full of people who know what is like when you can't drink just one. Everyone understood!

I am feeling very "different" from most drinkers. I am known as the "stealth" drinker. No one even knows if I am drunk and I only have three glasses of wine (okay they are in fishbowl glasses) and people just don't notice what I am putting down.
I don't get out of line, don't lose my temper, and don't do the things that the people were talking about in the meeting.

I felt a little out of place because everyone had a horror story.

[angussdundee]

Hello L,
most people who have a drinking problem think they aren't that bad. They often believe that they are nor as bad as "those other people in the rooms" because they can't quite relate to the other peoples drinking stories. That's why we tell the newcomer to try "to identify rather than compare".
Your drinking doesn't have to be out of control and you don't have to tell a horror story to become a member of AA.
In fact, you don't have to be overdoing the wine by a great amount for it to be damaging your mind and body - especially in the case of female drinkers.
"Terminal uniqueness" is a major symptom of the disease called alcoholism; "I can't possibly be an alcoholic as I haven't done half of the things those others have done"..... ::)
One thing is for sure, no one ever turned up at AA because they were in control of their drinking, and that is reason enough to give it a fair second chance. And don't let the nonsensical stigma that is often so freely attached to the word 'alcoholic' stop you from getting well. You don't have to be an alcoholic to quit drinking.... ;)

Anguss.

[Laurenrich777]

Hi Anguss,

I think you are right on. Do you know that yesterday I read something that actually said that two drinks a night is healthy? Honestly, I mean that just does not make sense to me. That would be 14 drinks a week for a woman. Surely that must take a toll on your liver.
And that might be key for me. To actually see and read what those two drinks will do to you.

Thank you for your kind response.

[angussdundee]

L, I've found that it doesn't really matter what alcoholic drink we choose to drink, or how much of it we put away, its about what it does to US! Other people may seem to be able to drink to excess then be no worse off the next day - 'some' Delta Captains included :D
They don't appear to wake up with that gut wrenching fear - "God help me, what did I do last night and who did I end up with and how did I get home" etc etc etc. Neither do they seem to have the compulsion to need to have another drink just to face the music or take away the shakes or the awfull fear, or to obsess about alcohol more and more as the day wears on.
No, something else is going on inside of alcoholics, problem drinkers, substance abusers, call us what you will.
But hey, there is good news around here! As a woman with a 'substance abuse problem', you have a much better chance than ever before of getting the right help and addressing you're illness, provided you are willing to take a few simple yet crucial steps. If you are willing to go to any length to recover then you can fly to places that you never even dreamed exsisted, that has trully been our experience.

Anguss.

[Laurenrich777]

Some of the Captains I have known are the heaviest drinkers I have ever seen; scary thought huh?
Thanks for the support.

[alfee]

Glad you're here lauren...you don't ever have to drink again...Keep coming back!

[jucluc12]

Hi,
I'm new here - tried to post something but it did not work. Can someone explain to me how I post a new subject.

I can relate to your story. I down a bottle to a bottle and a half a day. I retired a year ago, and have been drinking even more that I have ever.
My husband still works, and I have gone to great lengths for him not to know (as if he doesn't see it in my eyes). I can't stop, I hate myself. He sometimes scolds me so hard but I just shrug it off.

I know there are AA meetings, but they are not close to my house and are usually in the evening. I don't drive at night (drunk and I have a problem with lights in my eyes when I'm OK. How to stop? I need a friend to distract me or give me advice.

[samf]

Welcome, jucluc12 !

How are you doing?

Samf

[jucluc12]

Unfortunately, not so good. I'm still drinking red wine (a lot). The only thing that I focus on are my 2 granddaughters (sisters 3 and 2). I only see them on Sunday morning for breakfast. They are adorable. My husband is oblivious to how much I drink. He was often controlling, but I often put my foot down. He's a good husband and great dad,but his daughters come first. They are both married with a wonderful husband. I don't know where to look for a sobre friend in Ottawa to share mutual interests. Thank you for caring.

[samf]

Hi. Here is a computer link for AA in Ottowa. Hope it helps.

http://www.ottawaaa.org/

Sam

[Laurenrich777]

Welcome to the board. Thank you for replying to my thread. I finally stopped Jan 1st. It was a HUGE step for me and the first three days were hell. The anxiety, obsession, just the overall constant thoughts about having a drink (or thinking that I needed one) were driving me nuts.

Now, almost a week later, I feel awesome. My energy came back, I am sleeping better, and the anxiety is slowing down.
I am making it a point to stop and look at what feelings and thoughts I have when I want a glass of wine.
It also helps that my husband, who does not have an issue but will have a beer on the weekends, has joined me too :)
He does not "get" the obsession feelings I have however, he is very supportive.

Please let me know how things go when you finally do stop. I think you will be surprised how good you feel when you stop.

[samf]

Laurenrich777 , congradulations on your new sobriety!! :)

Are you also able to attend meetings, yet? Am happy for you!

Samf

[Jane05]

Welcome Laurnrich777! Glad you're here!

[gretAA]

Wow...I do remember that first week well myself...I was sick & tired of being sick & tired tho...Keep coming back and don't rink, no matter what!

My Higher Power is watching over you!

[Laurenrich777]

Well, today is day 29. And yes, like others here, the "witching hour" if you will is 5:00 PM for me. An anxiety of sorts sneaks up almost every evening and makes me want to run to the store for a bottle of wine (or whine) as I call it :)
And I am really paying attention to my cycle and the feelings that I have when I want to take a drink; I watch what thoughts are going through my mind and playing with my soul. What questions are unanswered and thus causing anxiety.

And isn't it amazing how you try to rationalize why you should, after making it almost a month, be able to take a drink? That is amazing. I mean, you think of every reason why you don't have a problem. I find myself saying "you made it a month, therefore you don't have a problem."

How flipping nuts is that reasoning? I mean, the point here is that I think about it every single day. There is the problem. People who don't have an issue don't think about it. The drink means nothing to them.

I just find the mind pretty funny.

And no, I am really busy working (which is keeping me sane) with the marking having picked up. I've been writing contracts like crazy.
And looking at the $ I am saving by not buying wine is making me feel like I am getting somewhere. So I have not attended a meeting in the past 30 day since I stopped.

[Jane05]

I only have three glasses of wine (okay they are in fishbowl glasses)

I don't do the things that the people were talking about in the meeting.

I felt a little out of place because everyone had a horror story.

Hello and welcome Laurenrich777. I know all about the fishbowl glass drinking, but for me it got a lot worse. I took my drinking to a mental and spiritual bottom. I also thought a lot of people didn't know a lot of things. But, now as I've gotten a little sober and with the help of the Steps and other sober friends, I'm finding out i wasn't as stealth as I thought I was. ;)

Anyway, Please hang around. I haven't done a lot of things others have done and others haven't done some of the things I've done. The horror stories are sometimes needed, and as I've learned about the Solution they became "What it was like, what happened, and what it's like today". Thank God.

Glad you're here! ((((hugs))))

[Laurenrich777]

Hi Jane,

Thanks for your words of wisdom. I am doing very well. Still not drinking, picked up the Big Book today and I am looking for a sponsor