a need for help

[amessasis]

Hi to all :)
I'm new to this...sounds like the corniest start of all...yet the only thing I can think of saying. I'm new to this...to chatting...to admitting I can't do this alone...to all of it. But the reality is I'm in 'Deep **** Arkansas', as they would say in Thelma and Louise, and I can't get out of it alone. I'm lost. I'm in trouble. I'm depressed. I'm an alcoholic. I know I will die soon unless I get the help I need. Problem is I don't know how to let the help in. I know how to ask, but it never helps. I fool everyone and I don't know how to stop it.
I need help.

[alfee]

I fool everyone and I don't know how to stop it.

now that i can relate to...i wrote a post at another recovery site where the topic was talking about the "ifs" we come across in our life...i believe some of what i wrote will fit well here...the following is copied from that site but it is my own words.

I suppose after i finally said i was an alcoholic in a meeting, it became real easy to say anything to blend in...it was just another lie, and i was used to telling lies...it was a way of survival for me, so to speak...but the problem was i didnt believe it myself...and i went 17 years in and out of the doors trying to not drink, and trying to drink.

seems like i always lived in my own little world...i believe today that i was of the type that thought the day would come when i would be strong enough to automatically say no to whatever came along...there were times in my life when i would stay sober for a period, say 1 month, or 3 months, or 9 months, or even 1 1/2 years, and then for no reason that i knew of, i would wake up one morning and that desire to drink would be there...so strong the obsession would be, that the thought of driving it away was a million miles away...all i would be able to think of was getting loaded, no thoughts of consequences...and if there were any thoughts of the consequences, i pushed them away...because i secretly wanted that drink...so strong was the desire...the strongest thing i've ever experienced.

i ended up spending nearly 3 years in prison because i wouldnt accept the fact that i just could not and never would be able to control my drinking...that was the final straw for me, i hope and pray anyway...today i am sober and if i keep thinking and doing what the program of AA tells me to do, i will be sober tomorrow and the next day...i'll worry about those when they get here...i'm glad you're here, and please keep coming back.