Moving On (with or w/o family and/or friends)

[Pythonpappy]

Moving On


Much as we would like, we cannot bring everyone with us on this journey called life/recovery. We are not being disloyal by allowing ourselves to move forward. We don't have to wait for those we love to decide to change as well.

Sometimes we need to give ourselves permission to grow, even though the people we love are not ready to change. We may even need to leave people behind in their dysfunction or suffering because we cannot recover for them. We don't need to suffer with them.

It doesn't help.

It doesn't help for us to stay stuck just because someone we love is stuck. The potential for helping others is far greater when we detach, work on ourselves, and stop trying to force others to change with us.

Changing ourselves, allowing ourselves to grow while others seek their own path, is how we have the most beneficial impact on people we love. We're accountable for ourselves. They're accountable for themselves. We let them go, and let ourselves grow, and keep them in our prayers. 'May God's will be done for them as well as for me.'

Today, I will affirm that it is my right to grow and change, even though someone I love may not be growing and changing alongside me.

(from 'Today's Gift' - daily)

God Bless,:42:
Pythonpappy

[saved1]

When I look back upon my life , I remember my old thinking -- which was not very thoughtful at all!

I performed the tasks without any conscious forethought or planning.
It was whatever was in sight, available, or easiest.
I never stopped to think why.

I don’t know what I was thinking when I did something that I knew would leave me feeling as though I were in a stupor.

My old ideas were mindless, thoughtless.
I was like an unhealthy automation, who had never been taught how to think about the “what” and “why” of choices.
I have learned to listen to others who have recovery, take what I need from their stories, and apply some of their actions to my own life. :1:

One day at a time...
I am willing to put aside old ideas as I discover them, to lay groundwork for the new ideas that have been presented to me, and to continue on a journey of personal growth. My mind is like a garden. I have to pull the weeds so that new flowers can begin to grow. :D

(unknown share)

[MajestyJo]

Not only old ideas put old patterns and behaviors. There was always the thinking behind the drinking and drugging, that is what got me into trouble. When I quit the cigarettes, i had to break the habits behind the smoking in order to finally put the cigarettes down. No cigarette in the bathroom, after dinner, on the phone or the computer. No smoking in the car, not letting others smoke in my place, not letting anyone disrespect my place even me. I had to make my space safe.

[saved1]

Common, more or less, to this extent?, maybe, close associations, possible, the beginnings of spiritual anguish ?, would suggest , how many get here?, I believe so. Does the trend need to continue, absolutely not! :1:

A CHILD OF GOSSIP-MONGERING PARENTS
I joined an ACA support group after my life fell to pieces. My parents claimed that they were caring and protective parents, a story they regularly told to their friends and anyone else who would listen to them. They claimed that they d~dn'kt now what was wrong with me. I didn't know what was wrong with me, except that I was an emotional mess, who had difficulty distinguishing illusion from reality. Yet I took no drugs, nor did I consume any alcohol; neither did they.
All I knew was that my post-teen, post-high school life had deteriorated into a mess, and that I was seriously letting my parents down. What they wanted was to be able to look good in front of other people, and brag about me. That was what I was raised for (or so I believed at the time), and it is what led to my downfall of life. I couldn't seem to bring myself to live my life for
the sake of someone else's social status, yet right into my adult years my parents were continually on my case (both being very loud and vocal), that I had to straighten myself out so that they could impress other people, and hold their heads up hgh. After all. I was their ticket to importance, and 1 was failing miserably to deliver what they claimed that they had a right to expect out of me. I didn't even realize at the time that I was being sold a bill of emotional goods.
I hit rock bottom and, due to fnends, I joined an ACA group. At first, I was afraid to go through the church door and into the basement where the meeting was being held. I went in and joined in. anyway. During my
first ACA meeting, I agreed to the confidentiality rule and listened to the sharing. Some of the sharing shook me emotionally in that listening to other people telling their life stories. was almost like they were telling my life
story. too. I learned a few very i interesting things at that meeting. and at a series of several subsequent meetings. I had a written recovery program I could work on at home, and the sharing gave me a hell of a lot of material to work with. For this. I am grateful.
My recovery journey has lasted for several years.
My parents were dry drunks who feared what others thought of them. I was their ticket to social salvation, and I was led to know this repeatedly and in no uncertain terms. If I was not achieving and performing and doing
spectacular things in the world, they saw themselves as nothing. and I then got one hell of a verbal haranguing as a result. This message had been pounded into me since childhood. During my school years, if my academic
standmg was anythmg less than spectacular. I heard no end of parental whining, of what a disappointment I was, with lots of verbal and emotional abuse, putdowns and insults. In ACA. I learned that ACAs guess at what
normal is and I actually thought that tlus kind of parental behavior was normal and quite acceptable.
I discovered through sharing by other ACAs that. like some of them, I, too, had been the victim of emotional, verbal, mental, psychological and intellectual bullying. One thing I learned about bullying was that it can occur either physically or emotionally. I was a victim of both overt (out in the open; crude. vulgar and blunt) as well as covert (subtle, hidden) abuse. This latter form of abuse was the difficult one to deal with, because it is often
dBicult to detect and idenm, even as the victim. I was forbidden to have girlfriends while I was at school, because that was supposed to have distracted me from my schoolwork. During my post-teen years, my mother took it upon herself to lecture me about female behaviors, since she was a woman, and, therefore, understood such behaviour. I found her well
versed on the worst aspect of female behaviour. While she would speak at great length about behaviours she abhorred and hated in other women, I often felt sickened and disgusted as a result. I had no basis to tell her to shut UP.
At the time I didn't realize that when we point one finger at other people to condemn flaws in their characters, we also point three fingers straight back at ourselves. My mother's lectures about female behavior left me in one hell of an emotional mess. I found out afterward through sharing at ACA meetings about emotionid incest. which was what I had endured without realizing it. My mother had been touching, manipulating and trying to control the
emotional side of my sexuality. I felt uneasy and angry at her comments to me about female behaviour, yet I didn't know that at the time I was actually being emotionally violated and emotionally molested by her. During group
social get-togethers, my mother's number one topic of conversation was any and all aspects of my personal life, specifically what she wanted in my personal life.
I soon became angry and enraged at tlus, and I asked for confidentiality, a request which was denied.
My father ridiculed my request for privacy and confidentiality, and made a point of ridiculing my request to any who were willing to listen to him. My mother wanted to know why she couldn't talk about me, and was very persistent in interrogating me with regard to my request, ready to counter whatever answers I tried to give her. I felt emotionally beaten and overpowered. almost as if I were being emotionally raped by her, that is, she was exercising emotional power over my privacy and sexuality while rendering me powerless. This, too, took a toll on my life, and I became unable to form any kind of a meaningful relationship with the opposite gender as a result.
One thmg I learned in my recovery journey pertained to bullying, and that is most builies attack when they have an audience. In my case, other women of my mother's generation were willing listeners, who encouraged her to tell all about me. I dealt with this by shutting both her and my father out of my life for a period of several years. Even when I was informed that her father had died. I kept her shut right out of my life altogether. In my view, she was going to have to learn the hard way to respect my privacy. I eventually did reestablish contact with her, and I had a long and hard fight to get her to stay out of my privacy. The one emotional weapon 1 had was to repeatedly shut her out until she eventually agreed to leave my privacy alone.
At the present day, my father is long gone from this world. and I am coming to terms with the destructive emotional impact h s behaviour had on my life. My mother and I rarely talk these days. I continue on my recovery journey, trying to rebuild a life that was wrecked by a pair of "gossip-aholics." Their impact on my life was destructive, similar to that of alcoholic, workaholic or
other obsessivecompulsive/addictive behaviours. I am grateful to the people who were attending the same ACA meetings as I did. Their sharing opened my eyes, and helped me heal some very deep emotional wounds in my
recovery journey. Attendmg ACA meetings gave me an opportunity to undertake such a journey.
- Harry C., Ontario Canada


SPIRITUAL HEALTH
Even though.. .
my parents weren't available to me, I can be.
my parents couldn't admit that I had needs, I can.
my parents were in denial, I don't have to be.
my parents couldn't meet my needs, I am learning to
my parents couldn't say "I love you" when they were sober, I can admit my love without being drunk.
my parents used alcohol to hide their feelings, I can admit that I have feelings, and I can let them in.
my parents used alcohol to avoid listening to that still, small voice, I can sit still and listen, even when I'm afraid of what I will hear.
my parents didn't treat me as a real person, I am learning to recognize and admit my own worth.
my parents used alcohol to avoid change, I can be open to possibilities without panic I was raised in a home of denial, I don't live there anymore.
I have needs, desires and worth, I will shut off that phony smile or that phony anger that I have used for so long to keep others away. I will open my eyes and my ears to hear the world say "hello!" I am learning that I can sit quietly and listen and be afraid without losing my sobriety. I am learning to say "I love you."
Author unknown

[saved1]

From Buddy T,
This special edition of the Alcoholism / Substance Abuse newsletter features stories from visitors who have family or friends who are alcoholics or addicts. Read their stories or share your own experience.:281:

Topics.
*Did Growing Up With an Alcoholic Parent Change You?
*Have You Been Playing a Role in the Life of an Alcoholic?
*What Have You Tried to Get Someone to Stop Drinking?
*How I Carried Out an Intervention.
http://alcoholism.about.com/u/sty/intervention/intervention_tips/?nl=1

Some more thoughts. :170:


All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness. 2 Timothy 3:16

A Time to Think
*I do not understand the mystery of grace—only that it meets us where we are, but does not leave us where it found us.—Anne Lamott
A Time to Act
*Face every situation with faith in your heart.
A Time to Pray
*God, when I am tempted to fear, help me to choose faith instead.