I'm new and I'm an Atheist, help me get over it?

[Lars26]

Hi my name's Lars and I'm an alcoholic. I'm also a recovering addict of 8 years, but am now having problems with alcohol instead of another substance. I decided I was going to my first AA meeting tonight after many years of drinking too much. Here's my problem:
I am a complete Atheist. I don't believe in any God in any way at all. And I am not going to change that belief.

I asked my Psychiatrist about what am I supposed to do in AA, with all the talk about God and or a Higher Power? He said that maybe your 'Higher Power' could be that fact that your brain is chemically imbalanced. I don't know what to do, I know I need to go to meetings but I also know how much I'm going to hear people talking about God. I don't like hearing it, because I don't believe in God in the first place. I get offended when I hear the word God, because I've been genuinly physically, emotionaly, mentally abused in God's name so very very much in my life. I then have the though that everything people say, if they use the word God in the sentence, is a total lie and self-delusion. I'm really stuck here, and I don't know what I'm supposed to think tonight when I go to this meeting. I know I'll want to walk out if they're having a spiritual discussion, or the whole God thing gets brought up too much. What do I do when I'm sitting there boiling, thinking this is insane and there is no such thing as God?

I'd appreciate whatever you think.

[angussdundee]

You've got to admit Lars, you won't really find out what's inside the box untill you open it! How many Kids at Christmas guessed what the present was only to be completely wrong when they ripped the paper off, but were just as pleased with the contents?
So, before you lock the door and throw away what could be the key to you're recovery, give it a fair chance.
Yes, you'll hear people banging on about things you just can't identify with, (it's a test of your tolerance :D ) but you can be sure that you'll hear just as many things said that you can relate to.
Then, after HONEST self - examination come back and tell us what you think. But surely you've got to get along to a few different AA meetings first if you're to form an HONEST opinion.
In the meantime, it would be good to hear from you around here - no strings or lectures attached.

Anguss

[Lars26]

Well I guess I should say more about myself. When I was about 17-18 I got addicted to a very physically addictive drug. It was pretty much the result of a huge mistake made when I turned 15 - my parents sent me to a terribly abusive reform school because I had fallen out of their very strict Mennonite values. See www.nhym-alumni.org. I'm in the picture on the front of the webpage, but my testimony is not there (Dave Saunders testimony would be equal to mine, we were there together). I wasn't in need of a reform school at all, I had never been in trouble with the law, with drugs or drinking, and got straight A's in school my whole life. But I listened to some heavy metal and had normal teenage fights with my parents ever since I was about 13 and realized I was gay and didn't believe in the bible or God. It was the heavy metal that sent me to the school, I never told my anyone I was gay until about 17 when I left the school. It was almost 2 years to the day that I spent in that school. Obviously, I'm not over it and I'm 26 now. So after leaving that school, I entered into public high school in the middle of junior year, and a few months later was hooked on drugs. So after an overdose I was sent to the local looney bin where I had to attend NA meetings. I was released and clean for a month, but had no intention to stay clean. Just at graduation time, my parents discovered me using drugs again and said I had to leave the house or go to rehab in florida (I'm from PA). So I went, because they really were going to kick me out and I had no money to support a drug habit. I was in rehab for a month, then a halfway house for a few months. At the halfway house we were required to attend 90 meetings in 90 days. So many of those meetings were AA because there wasn't enough NA around. And I've stayed clean since then. I stopped going to meetings after about 6 months, I was still living in florida working in a restaurant and dirt poor, going back to drugs wasn't even possible for me in that environment. Two years after first going to florida in 2000, my Dad offered that I could move back 'home' to work for his business, our family funeral home. I did but lived in one of Dad's apartments nearby. So I was about 20 years old then. When I turned 21, I did some celebritory drinking with friends, I really had never had any alcohol before I was 21. So for the past 2.5 years I was in a relationship with an older man who's what I'd call a mild alcoholic. I've been very unhappy in the relationship and ended it a week and a half ago. For the past year I've often been getting blackout or at least falldown drunk, and I've tried to stop my own drinking. Probably about 10 days out of this last year I haven't had any alcohol. My Psych and I have talked about it alot, and now I feel like I'm ready to stop. So that's why I've decided to go to a meeting tonight, its a gay meeting so it's far away but I can't stand up in a room of (mostly) hetero strangers and talk about things honestly. I doubt anything negative would come to me, but I really do need to talk about my breakup and the relationship of me and the ex drinking together, and I feel I can't do that in a regular AA meeting.
Thanks for your advice and I'll try to leave my past experiences at home tonight and be open minded about the whole thing. In my past addiction, I really never believed in NA (or AA when I went there). I went because I had to, and just ignored it when God came up. Honestly, I ignored alot of what was said there because I had made up my mind never to touch that drug again, and I'm lucky I've stuck to that I guess. I told myself that my own mind was stronger than my need for the drug, and it's worked about 5.5 years. That drug was more destructive than alcohol, in my opinion. But it was also illegal, ridiculously expensive, and easy to die from. I just decided I didn't ever want to do it again, and yay, it continues to work (I do still think of it now and then). Alcohol is a lot differnt and will be a different kind of problem for me, I can tell. It's dirt cheap, available everywhere. I can honestly tell you I don't know how to tell my family that working with them in a funeral home is one reason I drink too much. I should probably find a different job but I get paid well for not having any college, I know I couldn't make this amount of money working anywhere else. And my parents are both about 65 and not doing great, I feel like I can't leave them. My father is the biggest workaholic ever! He's worked twelve hours every day for the past 35 years. He's never taken a vacation, Ever! My Mom is his co-pilot but she isn't as bad as him, she takes time off but she's a workaholic too. Soooo, thanks for listening to all that.

[baker]

Lars, It sounds as you teens were some rough years and as everyone you are in a battle you can't win alone. No matter what help we search for, your not going to hear everything you want to. I'm really not sure why you are opposed to believe in any God but that is neither here nor there. The whole point is that you understand that you need help and you understand that you will receive this help and support at a meeting. This being said, hearing people speak about God, which you don't even think exists, is the smaller battle. Go to the meeting and be strong and focused on why you're there. You will do fine.

Baker

[Lars26]

Hi, and thanks for everyone's advice.
I went to the meeeting expecting it was a gay oriented AA meeting, but it turned out to be a regular NA meeting, it was mis-posted online. The people at the meeting told me the AA meeting hasn't been there for over a year, so I guess I should send roundupphilly a note to tell them it's no longer there.
That being said, alcohol is a drug too, in my opinion, it's just that I drink my drug instead of other means. I'm really glad I went, and had the courage to share some feelings and say it was my first time coming back after a long absence, and picked up a white keychain. Everyone was very supportive, and really there wasn't too much talk about God or a Higher Power that usually turns me right off. After the meeting, I still wasn't sure if it was a gay NA meeting, because it was all women except myself and one other man, so I asked a woman and a man who were talking with me, and they told me no, it wasn't, but I was welcome to be out and gay there. And coming from a man, who gave me a hug after I said that, really changed my feelings and was a great relief to me. So I think I'm making through tonight at least without a drink for a long time.

Thanks everybody for your responses, I have tears in my eyes tonight because I feel so much better, I have hope. I feel like it's very likely that I'll still be struggling for a long time with this, and to face hard reality I will most likely drink again. But I have hope that I can stop now, a few hours ago I thought I wanted to stop but wasn't going to be able to control my constant urge for alcohol. I stared at a bottle when I came home for a few minutes, deciding and trying to realize that I can stop, if only for tonight. And tomorrows a new day. I'm glad I put the bottle back in the cupboard, and I'm not going to drink tonight.

So you made a difference in someone's life, thanks alot for your support. I know I'll keep struggling with the God issue, but it's a smaller issue than my drinking. Thanks alot everyone, Lars.
ps I don't believe there's a God, but if I'm wrong, I think you scored some good points. :) Goodnight and thank you again.

[angussdundee]

If you get around enough meetings Lars, your sure to find one that will suit you. If you feel discomfort and you can't share whats on your mind at a meeting predominantly made up of heterosexuals (is there such a thing ???) then it may be a good idea to attend a specifically gay meeting and attend it regularly enough to call it your home group. Being sponsored by a like minded person with good recovery could really help to get rid of those demons. Then in time you're likely to feel comfortable enough in your own skin to go anywhere you feel like going - although you may feel more comfortable discussing you sexuality issues at your home group. Perhaps then you'll be able to get on with the job that your life depends upon, which is being comfortable not drinking or drugging for one day at a time. May you have a safe and pleasant journey.

All the very best,

Anguss.

[possie1]

Good day mate there is a chapter in the Big Book of AA entitled "We Agnostics" I know an Atheist and an Agnostic are not the same however, you have nothing to lose by reading it. BTW the Big Book is available to read online.

My partner who is straight sponsors a gay guy alcoholism is no respecter of who or what you are.