Am I an alcholic?

[acargozoom]

This may sound like a stupid thing to say, but I'm still questioning if I truly am an alcoholic. Deep down I am pretty sure I have a problem. I just never let it get completely out of control. When I was a teenager I was like most who went wild going to night clubs and parties drinking till you puked. When I was 19 I met a guy who was 13 years older then me. He was an alcholic that quit the day we met. He decided that I was worth quiting for and started going to AA. We spent 7 years together which all of those years he stayed dry ( he's still dry to this day) and I being the faithful wife did not drink one sip in all those years to support my alcholic husband, I even studied books on alcholism to better understand him. Well things didn't work out and we ended up divorcing (nothing to do with drinking). I was 25 years old and a single mother. I started having the occasional glass of wine thinking he was the one with the problem not me so I could start drinking no problem.

Then I met the nicest guy in the world who I ended up married to and we had a son together. His parents own a lake cottage that the all the family goes to every summer. My husband's parents are the type of people that when 4 pm rolls around it's cocktail time. Next thing I knew I was having 2-3 glasses of wine every night in the summer. I carried this tradition on into the winter months at home. The only difference is at home I was drinking alone because my husband does not drink simply because he never liked the taste of alcohol. In the back of my head I would always wonder "is it normal to drink alone at home, what' wrong with a glass or two of wine every night to calm down?" Well the years went by and I never really thought much of it. I kept up with my ritual of a glass of wine or two everyday. Always ignoring that I seemed to be easily affected by one glass. Two glasses and I'm drunk. Always excuses running through my head like, it's healthy to have wine everyday or it's very european to drink wine everyday.

Then my husband and our two children moved to the country, we built a beautiful home on an acreage and started meeting others in our area and having dinner parties. That's when I met a new friend and she would come over almost every evening and we would sit on the veranda and drink a bottle or two of wine together. This is when I starting thinking o.k this can't be right. So when I tried to cut back I found I was getting really irritable and mean. I couldn't go one evening without a glass of wine. I starting thinking about my family history with alcholism and then it came to me...I'm starting the path to becoming an alcoholic, no wait I'm not starting it, could I already be one, is there a such thing as starting? Aren't you already one as soon as your born? That's when I decided to quit drinking completely and when I went cold turkey I knew. The answer was in the insane need I had for that glass of wine. I felt like I was losing my mind. But yet I still question it. That little voice in my head still speaks to me telling me that it was just the stress of the year. The loss of a loved one, the cancer scare, the stress of the weight loss game you've played your whole life, don't worry your not an alcholic the voice says. With all the books I had read in my last marriage I knew the truth.

I think what I'm asking is for someone to tell me, to say to me...you are an alcholic now move on to the next step, admit it to myself and stop trying to convince myself that I'm not.

I've never been to a meeting and I'm not sure if I could walk in there. I'm terrified I'll see someone I know, I live in a small community. I suppose they are there for the same reason I would be.

[WolfM]

I really agree with everything that Carol said. Only you can decide if you are an alcoholic or not. I had a freind ask me once how a person knows they are having a problem with alcohol. The simple answer was this, you start doing things you were never going to do.
I was never going to get divorced (like my parents). Well, I got divorced twice. I was never going to be promiscuous. Well, when I was drinking I was a horny little devil. I was never going to hit a woman. That is what I did in my last black out which brought me to look for a solution to my alcohol problem which led me to AA. I have been here ever since and have not gotten divorced, been promiscuous, or beaten my wife (same wife by the way) since. Not drinking had something to do with that. Please do not mis-understand me. Neither I or my life are perfect today. I was never promised that. Only that situations that used to baffle me would not any more. Maybe you have not done anything you were never going to do. Yet. At that is the key. Do you want to avoid the yets or do you want to wait until you do them. The best place to get this kind of information is at an AA meeting.

Wolf M

[samf]

They used to tell me in AA meetigs that normal, temperate drinkers didin't question in thier minds whether or not they were alcoholics, and that always made me smile. It made sense to me.

Here's a quote out the Big Book I like...it's in the doctor's opinion:

"Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one. They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks?drinks which they see others taking with impunity. After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery.

On the other hand?and strange as this may seem to those who do not understand?once a psychic change has occurred, the very same person who seemed doomed, who had so many problems he despaired of ever solving them, suddenly finds himself easily able to control his desire for alcohol, the only effort necessary being that required to follow a few simple rules."

And I like this one in the Big Book, on page 44:

"If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic."

There are a ton of things in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous that make it worth looking at and reading, to me. I found myself all over the pages.

Hope somehow something in here is helpful.

Sam

[acargozoom]

Thank-you all for your stories and insight. Samf I really appreciate your quote from the big book. That is exactly true for me. I wasn't drinking until I passed out or even till I was completely drunk it was the concious thought that "why can't I not have a drink at all for one night?". "Why do I need to have a couple of glasses of wine every night?". These where the questions that started to eat away at me near the end of my drinking days. And when I consiously realized I couldn't go without it that was my answer. I have a problem. I think I will try out an AA meeting this week. Thanks again for all your support.

Acar

[samf]

AWESOME! Let us know how it goes! Made my evening, Acar!

Sam

[Laurenrich777]

I realize I am late to this thread and you posted this two months ago but your story sounds like mine. I also think that there are tons of people out there that think the nightly glass or two of wine is completely normal. My husband's family does this as well.
Wine is just the norm. They have at least two or three whenever we get together.
As I said, your story sounds just like my story. Going from one glass to two and the next thing you know, a bottle is gone each evening. And you get that feeling of "this cannot be normal or healthy" but you don't know how to stop.

Which is why I am here.

[AA-Sara]

I thought I would share a little of my insight on this topic. I am 70 days clean (63 of which I spent in rehab). The cliff notes version of how I got to rehab was a suicide attempt. I took 40 Cymbalta and drank a couple bottles of wine over the course of the day - my response in the ER when they kept pestering me about weather or not I took Tylonol, my response was simple, "I didn't have a headache, I wanted to be happy." ;D

I spent my first thirty days in rehab tossing around the concept of abuse vs. alcoholic. In my mind, abuse sounded better. The reality being that I couldn't or didn't want to deal with the social stigma of being an alcoholic. I didn't want to think that I could never have fun again, never have a beer at a hockey game, or glass of wine with dinner. What I learned in the subsequent days is that its actually easier being an alcoholic.

Its not so much about the drinking but why we drink. It always starts out as libation, a way to relax, take the edge off, have a good time, etc. Then the nightly drinking of a glass of wine or two creeps up on you... and for me, I realized that I drank because I was hurt or angered by others (people I kept in my life because my judgement was clouded), or I drank because I was bored.

My thinking is very clear now. I realize that I will not need alcohol to loosen me up or to have a good time. My laughter now is authentic. I can recognize unhealthy relationships and I am starting to eliminate them from my life. And now that I am not drinking, I have so much creative energy and I am not distracted by drinking... its amazing how much I am able to actually accomplish throughout the course of the day.

Rehab did wonders for me -- intensive therapy and lectures were valuable to help me recognize and change my way of thinking. But I thrive on meetings, my sponsor, and continued work with a therapist. I have a long, long way to go... but I am looking forward to it... I wish you the best in your journey. As noted, only you can make the call. For me, it's about a way of life...

[Jane05]

Hello and Welcome Sara!! Thank you so much for sharing. I hope you will continue to come and share with us.

[samf]

Welcome Sara!!! I could sure identify with what you said! So glad you are here!

Samf