Hey i'm back again

[matt_f]

Hey folks,

I have been away from this site for quite a while--but its good to see more than a few of the same old faces and names still around!

Its been over 6 years now since my last drink (wow that kinda sneeaks up on ya) but i'm not sure if i'd call myself "sober" or just plain "dry". Been pretty ornery lately. Actually for a while now. Anywhooo, i just wanted to say hey again. --matt f.

[angussdundee]

Great to see you again Matt. Very well done on your continued sobriety and long may it last.
It would be great to hear a little of what you've been up to lately, are you still doing a bit of construction?
I always think I don't have a lot to share when I get together with an old AA friend then - whoooshhhhh - out it all comes, and I generally enjoy the conversation.
Nice to see you around again, keep coming back.

Anguss ;)

[matt_f]

Thanks guys for the welcome back!

Strange- although i remember my last day out and first day sober rather vividly--i have no clue what the date was. I just know it was the last week in May. Probably a Thursday or Friday? Those first couple weeks were rather a blurr... Then again i'm sober now and still could't tell you today's date...August 15th? 16th?--so i guess that just goes to show you...that not only is yesterday a mystery---today might be too.

I have been taking a break from rehabbing houses for while now to do the stay-at-home dad thing with my son (almost) full-time. He just celebrated his 2nd Birthday a couple weeks ago!!! :)

[angussdundee]

Great to hear your enjoying your son's company Matt, you can learn a lot from his innocence.. :D
Hey, if things in the States are anything like over here, the construction business has ground to an almost halt, so your not missing anything my friend. We finished a city development -18 high spec apartments - for a developer in February and he's only sold two! he's taken to renting the rest out on a one year lease in the hope that things will pick up next year. Talk about a day at a time ???

Great to see you back here again,

All the very best.

Anguss.

[samf]

;D hey, Matt!!! Great to see you again!!! Sending a hug! ;D

Samf

[WolfM]

Welcome back Matt.

Wolf M

[matt_f]

Carol, Angus, Sam, Wolf; thanks. It's good to see you all still here.

Feel the need to puke up a bit.

I spent a lot of time here during my first 2 years or so. And went to a 4-5 meetings a week. I made a serious effort on my 4th step. Did a though 5th step with my sponsor, followed quickly by the 6th & 7th. Thought i was doing everything....

But not long after that (4 months or so) i had a nervous breakdown and went crazy for a few weeks. Didn't get thrown in the looony bin, but did manage some other trouble... Still not sure excactly why it happened : maybe bipolar; maybe just a combo of heavy stress, exposure to lead poisoning, & big-time sleep deprivation. Made it through that episode (amazingly) without drinking--but it pretty much rocked my world and sent my back to step 2. OR 1. Whatever. Haven't had anythiing to drink but have pretty much lost faith in my higher power and aa group. Still have hang-ups with the God stuff. Have felt rather distant when i do occasionaly go meetings. Found out my aa sponsor drank last month after 8 years. So anyhoo, that's where i'm at. Maybe aint pretty but it is what it is. Thanks for listening.

[angussdundee]

I always think that something carries us safely through those dreadful downers that sometimes hit many of us - even if we can't quite figure out how or why or what it is... ???
I firmly believe, that sharing what's in our heads at an AA meeting or sitting down with a good listener is the best antidepressant on the market! For me, it feels like a big struggle at the time but it's always worth the effort for that feeling of release because I finally made the effort - and its a chemical free method ;)
The great thing about AA is, there is a bolt to fit every nut that has the courage to walk through it's doors,
I'm living proof of that.... :D So we have to search in the 'toolbox' for the one that suits us. Its in there alright, somewhere in that program it's in there.


Let us find the strength to help each other.

Anguss.

[samf]

Hey, Matt!!!

I could relate to a lot of what you shared. I don't know if that is any comfort or help to you, but wanted to say so.

One time a few years ago, I was sitting in a meeting, feeling pretty whacky, and I didn't want to talk about it, really.

A person came in I had known from before and they seemed different to me. So I listened to what happened to them...they talked about feeling like crap in AA and how they kept puking it out at every meeting they went to...the person couldn't understand it because they had multiple years...so they just kept talking about it, looking for answers.

This little old lady walked up after one meeting and looked at the person and said, "Well, you dumb ****. Start over.!"

So that person did. And it had an good effect, for them.

That gave me hope because I was feeling distant from God and a little to a lot crazy...no drinking...but that's where I was. So I started over, too.

Sometimes I feel closer to a HP today. Sometimes I don't. I keep walking through the steps and talking to people. I started going to meetings again, a few years back...I hadn't, for a couple of years.

I pretty much today know the folks in the meetings I attend enough to feel comfortable with them. They are the closest thing to family that I have today, where I live.

There's this speaker, Wayne B. And he has some good stuff one the steps, I think. He was on medication and they didn't expect him to recover, but he did.

I think the thing he does is called Step'n'Ahead. A person can go and download a guide to the steps, for free. It really helps me. I could identify with a lot of things he shared, too.

Sometimes today I still call my HP "God as I don't understand Him." One thing that is different for me again is this longing to be closer to HIm, in my heart of hearts, and this is a shock for me...once in a while I am able to ask Him what He wants me to do, this day. That kind of surprises me because for a while, I just did what I thought I should do...that's how far removed from a HP I felt.

Anyway, I do find for me that if I keep looking and reaching out and trying, I do somehow find the answers I need, and gift of sobriety for just this one day.

Love,

Sam

[WolfM]

Dear Matt,
After 17 years of sobriety, I started thinking about things I used to do when drinking (everything except drinking). I had become ungrateful. I shared about this at meetings. I prayed about it. I prayed for change. Then a door opened and I had the opportunity to commute to a nearby island weekly. It got me away from what I was planning on doing, it got me away from my home (during the week) and it got me into as many as 5 meetings a week and working with other alcoholics. I eventually worked through the issues and am now back home (over a year now) and back to normal (for a recovering alcoholic). The other thing that happened was that while I was in Guam, I was able to see a specialist about some issues I was having with pains in my chest. It turned out that I needed a bypass operation. Had I been in Saipan, they would have given me an aspirin and sent me home. So I believe that when the opportunity to get some space from the demons (IN MY HEAD), my higher power was looking after me. I am now back home, in good health, and not wanting things that do not belong to me.
As I reflect on that time, everything that was wrong with me was totally self generated. It was my thinking that was making my life miserable, not any person, place, or thing. One thing I learned in AA was responsibility for my own actions or inaction.
I hope that you can work through your issues.

Wolf M

[matt_f]

Thanks for the replies guys.

I have been reading.

My thinking has definetly been a problem... I can almost laugh at myself how bad it gets but it hurts too much at the moment. Ever hear about the guy who was like stuck under a big rock and cut off his leg with a swiss army knife to save his life? Maybe i should give myself a lobotomy or something... (just kidding) Yep. Creating my own misery. I do that. Ugghh. And once this squirrel cage gets going it take at least 3 days to slow down...

Not sure what else to say right now--marital issues in progress--possible (unwanted) divorce--maybe its best I don't. But thanks for being here--Hasta luego, matt

[lilz]

Hi there guys, i've been reading a lot of this forum of late and feel like Sam, Angus, Wolf etc are old buddies by now. i really do identify with a lot of whats being said and am sometimes moved to tears. Sam thanks its really God as we don't understand Him sometimes- but thank God he knows what Hes doing in my life even when i don't have a clue :o. Thanks 4 listening. lilz

[angussdundee]

We are your buddies lilz. Remember, there are no strangers here, only friends we have not yet met! ;)

best wishes,

Anguss.

[samf]

What Anguss said lilz!!! It is so true!!

And Matt...just sending a hug! I get these three day thingys sometimes...could identify with the guy needing to cut his leg off!!!

Sending hugs, all around!!

Sam