Thevelv.rabbit
03-20-2008, 02:58 PM
What It Was Like
In the book Drinking by Caroline Knapp, she describes alcohol in her home growing up as, "I never saw it run out and I never saw it replenished either: it was just there." That line accurately describes my growing up with alcohol. My mother tells the story of when her friends were in our home, I somehow got a hold of everyone's drink while they were playing cards.
I was allowed to buy wine coolers (Bartles and James) at 13yo with my allowance. My parents felt if I were to drink, I better do it at home. It didn't last long b/c my mom was always hounding me about how many coolers I was drinking.
At 16yo, I had my first good drunk. I had gotten dumped by a boyfriend. I had gone to a school dance while I was drunk. Before that day, no one really talked to me. After that dance, everyone was talking to me...laughing with me... I added it up: You get drunk, people like you. At least in my beginning they did...
A bunch of other stuff happened to but Ill just fast forward....
What Happened
Five yrs ago I started working as a forklift/crane operator in a mill. I was making good money. I was also stressed. I have a husband and 2 boys. Nothing felt good....right.... Everything and Everyone felt like a dissapointment. But when I had my 2 24oz MGDs before bedtime, I was able to shift my focus on stuff that was less painful.
I was at the bar almost everyday...no matter how much overtime I did. Hell, I'd even go to the bar before the kids' school functions. It was in the bar I met my love...Long Island Ice Tea. Aint nothin like having 2 36oz Long Islands, couple tacos, Marvin Gaye playin in the background....and me bytchin to my bartender or some other poor soul sitting next to me. The best times were when we'd talk politics/sex/jobs...and buying each other drinks. Who needed therapy? Just go to the bar.
Then I got popped on my job...twice within a 6mo period. This happened 19mos ago. Ive been sober for 18mos. The union couldn't get my job back b/c I didn't have enough time with the company.
What's It Like Now
The Good Doctor in rehab told me that I was only interested in "feeling good" or "seeking pleasure". I replied with "What's wrong with that?" He replied with, "It's not real. That is not what Life is about..." While he was telling me about my illusions/delusions, I couldn't stop crying.
I knew I would be okay the day I got out of detox....I slept all night. I lost my job, my pride/dignity, the respect of my family...but I slept all night. LOL
When my sons started playing baseball, watching them hit the ball and getting around those bases was my first natural high. Im learning to be grateful for being "fairly midland". When I was "out there", I was either up or down...Im learning to be ok in the middle. I don't have a lot of friends in the program, but great acquaintences. I attended my first AA retreat last father's day weekend...it was amazing! Im going back this year. My sponsor is a beautiful woman with a great sense of humor and spirit.
Im looking for a job. I do miss making money, but at least Im not in the rabbit hole anymore. AA has given me the tools to not stay too long in the rabbit hole. I can see what ppl mean by this disease being progressive. I never thought I would lose my job over alcohol...Im one of those ppl now. What's next if I continue? DUIs...killing myself or someone else...jail.
I love to read. Nothing can replace the Big Book and the 12/12...that's the foundation of my recovery.
The books that have set me on fire for my recovery are The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams; The Velveteen Principles by Toni Raiten-D'Antonio; Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert; and Drinking A Love Story by Caroline Knapp.
Ill keep coming back...
In the book Drinking by Caroline Knapp, she describes alcohol in her home growing up as, "I never saw it run out and I never saw it replenished either: it was just there." That line accurately describes my growing up with alcohol. My mother tells the story of when her friends were in our home, I somehow got a hold of everyone's drink while they were playing cards.
I was allowed to buy wine coolers (Bartles and James) at 13yo with my allowance. My parents felt if I were to drink, I better do it at home. It didn't last long b/c my mom was always hounding me about how many coolers I was drinking.
At 16yo, I had my first good drunk. I had gotten dumped by a boyfriend. I had gone to a school dance while I was drunk. Before that day, no one really talked to me. After that dance, everyone was talking to me...laughing with me... I added it up: You get drunk, people like you. At least in my beginning they did...
A bunch of other stuff happened to but Ill just fast forward....
What Happened
Five yrs ago I started working as a forklift/crane operator in a mill. I was making good money. I was also stressed. I have a husband and 2 boys. Nothing felt good....right.... Everything and Everyone felt like a dissapointment. But when I had my 2 24oz MGDs before bedtime, I was able to shift my focus on stuff that was less painful.
I was at the bar almost everyday...no matter how much overtime I did. Hell, I'd even go to the bar before the kids' school functions. It was in the bar I met my love...Long Island Ice Tea. Aint nothin like having 2 36oz Long Islands, couple tacos, Marvin Gaye playin in the background....and me bytchin to my bartender or some other poor soul sitting next to me. The best times were when we'd talk politics/sex/jobs...and buying each other drinks. Who needed therapy? Just go to the bar.
Then I got popped on my job...twice within a 6mo period. This happened 19mos ago. Ive been sober for 18mos. The union couldn't get my job back b/c I didn't have enough time with the company.
What's It Like Now
The Good Doctor in rehab told me that I was only interested in "feeling good" or "seeking pleasure". I replied with "What's wrong with that?" He replied with, "It's not real. That is not what Life is about..." While he was telling me about my illusions/delusions, I couldn't stop crying.
I knew I would be okay the day I got out of detox....I slept all night. I lost my job, my pride/dignity, the respect of my family...but I slept all night. LOL
When my sons started playing baseball, watching them hit the ball and getting around those bases was my first natural high. Im learning to be grateful for being "fairly midland". When I was "out there", I was either up or down...Im learning to be ok in the middle. I don't have a lot of friends in the program, but great acquaintences. I attended my first AA retreat last father's day weekend...it was amazing! Im going back this year. My sponsor is a beautiful woman with a great sense of humor and spirit.
Im looking for a job. I do miss making money, but at least Im not in the rabbit hole anymore. AA has given me the tools to not stay too long in the rabbit hole. I can see what ppl mean by this disease being progressive. I never thought I would lose my job over alcohol...Im one of those ppl now. What's next if I continue? DUIs...killing myself or someone else...jail.
I love to read. Nothing can replace the Big Book and the 12/12...that's the foundation of my recovery.
The books that have set me on fire for my recovery are The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams; The Velveteen Principles by Toni Raiten-D'Antonio; Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert; and Drinking A Love Story by Caroline Knapp.
Ill keep coming back...