12-Step Meeting & Fellowship Etiquette.

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Going to the first meeting of any twelve-step program can be a terrifying, confusing, and sometimes paralyzing experience. A person attending a meeting for the first time can take comfort in knowing that each and every person at the meeting had to go through the same experience of walking into that room for the first time. Every member or potential member faced the fear of identifying him- or herself as an addict, alcoholic, overeater, compulsive gambler, codependent, sex and love addict, and then taking that first key tag or chip. Regardless of the length of clean time, recovery, sobriety, or abstinence, there was a time when every single person at that meeting had only one day. That is, perhaps, the most important thing to remember.

There are ways to make the experience a little easier. “Meeting and Fellowship Etiquette” is intended as an easy guide to help you understand what to expect when you walk through the door of your first meeting and what to do while you’re there. We hope this guide will be useful for both newcomer and old-timer alike. Showing respect for each group, listening to the members of that group, and following the meeting format will help any newcomer (or old-timer) have an enjoyable meeting experience.

What is Meeting Etiquette?

Meeting etiquette consists of customs, manners, and propriety; it is the way to conduct oneself while in a recovery meeting. Meeting and fellowship etiquette has become an important topic among many members of the twelve-step community, as well as those who refer people to the various twelve-step programs. People “associated,” but not “affiliated” with twelve-step recovery, such as judges, law enforcement and medical professionals, and others are taking an increasing interest in what actually happens to a newcomer being sent to his or her first meeting. These professionals want to ensure that any newcomer is treated with respect and that those people they refer to meetings are not taken advantage of. They also want to ensure that the meetings actually provide those services as presented in the public relations material from various twelve-step service bodies.

Meeting etiquette has traditionally been a concept passed down from one recovering person to another, e.g., from sponsor to sponsee or a more experienced member to the newer member. There is no standard or accepted model beyond what is written in the Twelve Traditions; however, it is common for each member to take personal responsibility for his or her own fellowship and to make certain that there is an atmosphere of recovery found in the meetings. Most “violations” of meeting etiquette are usually addressed by more long-standing members of a group, usually in a kind and tolerant way.

Examples of meeting etiquette are as follows:
• Getting to a meeting early enables an attendee to get a beverage, use the restroom, socialize, etc., so they can:
- Be sure of a seat before the meeting begins;
- Avoid the disruption of performing these activities while members are reading or sharing.
• Leaving and returning to one’s seat or speaking to one’s neighbors during the meeting is frowned upon, as this distracts those who may be sharing, or those attempting to pay attention.
• If asked to read one of the passages or literature selections, it is considered respectful to read them as written, without adding comments or “sound effects.” The literature of each twelve-step program was written with great care to be of help to those who suffer. It was voted on by group conscience and each fellowship as a body agreed on the final presentation. Anyone with a disagreement on a particular reading should simply excuse him- or herself from reading it aloud and discuss it afterward, privately, with a sponsor or other program member. “Editorial comments” or “callbacks” in a meeting might confuse or alarm newcomers or others who desperately need to hear the message of recovery as it was intended.
• Using only the language and literature consistent with the twelve-step meeting you are attending ensures that a clear message of recovery is being offered. Using mixed language from various fellowships sends mixed messages and can cause newer members to be confused about the meeting’s primary purpose.
• The guideline against “cross-talking” or “sniper sharing” (see page XX) helps maintain a calm and safe atmosphere of recovery in the meetings.
• “Stay in the meeting ‘from prayer to prayer.’” Since most meetings begin and end with a prayer, “staying in the meeting from prayer to prayer” means both physical attendance and mental focus on the meeting from beginning to end.
• The Seventh Tradition states that groups should be fully self-supporting and decline outside contributions. This allows twelve-step groups to carry the message the way it was intended, without the influence of outside people or organizations. It is customary to put a contribution in the basket if one can afford to, but it is not required, nor it is appropriate for a visitor (or newcomer in the first thirty days of recovery, in some fellowships).
• Members do not publicly mention specific facilities, treatment centers, detoxification units, hospitals, halfway houses, etc. Doing so is considered an implied endorsement of these facilities/entities by the member. This is especially important if a member serves on an area or regional public information service body. As such, the member is viewed by the public as a representative of his or her fellowship and will think that the fellowship, rather than the member, is endorsing a specific entity.
• Members refer to the meeting by its name rather than the facility where it is held. Referring to a facility may imply a relationship with the facility.
• Members refrain from mentioning specific drugs or tell overly detailed “war stories” (“drunkalogues” or “drugalogues”); it can make others in the meeting uncomfortable if specific drugs or excessive details are mentioned.
• Many groups will ask members to keep their sharing between three to five minutes in order to give everyone who wishes to share a chance to do so. This is especially important if the meeting has a large number of members in attendance.
• Members show respect for the facility where the meeting is held. Twelve-step programs may not be affiliated with the facility, but they have a responsibility to make certain that the meeting area is left in as good a condition or better than it was found. Smokers should dispose of cigarette butts in an appropriate manner, using cigarette receptacles or ashtrays. Be mindful of behavior outside the meeting as well; negative complaints from neighbors to the facility is a direct reflection on the twelve-step group and have caused many groups to lose a meeting place. Many meetings are held in public places. Groups want to make sure that the behavior of a few members does not negatively affect the fellowship as a whole.
If someone is being disrespectful or placing the meeting location in jeopardy, then it is usually the responsibility of the chairperson or secretary to bring the issue to that person’s attention. However, no person has the power or authority to berate, reprimand, or expel another from a twelve-step program. They can ask an individual not to return to a particular group or facility if chronic negative behavior puts the facility or its members at risk. The meeting secretary has a responsibility to approach the disruptive person and explain, in a respectful manner, why or why not a certain practice is unacceptable.
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An integral part of the addiction recovery process is ongoing participation in 12-step group meetings. Individuals are introduced to the 12-step philosophy and concept during the active phase of treatment and it’s recommended that they continue attending meetings for at least the first year after they’ve completed their treatment program. Many people continue to attend throughout their sobriety. Fresh out of treatment, however, many recovering addicts feel they don’t need (or want) to go to meetings and let this part of their recovery slide. That’s a huge mistake, one which may result in relapse. Let’s get back to basics and talk about getting in the room of 12-step meetings.


Why 12-Step Meetings are Important

So much can go wrong during your first months of recovery, with everything so fresh and new, and finding yourself often inundated with raw emotions and painful situations you feel ill-equipped to deal with yet. It’s one thing to have a bit of relapse prevention training under your belt from your days during treatment, but it’s another thing altogether to really put those skills to practice in the real world. Suddenly, what you learned seems foreign and too difficult to follow. Most of all, you feel a great sense of uncertainty and anxiety about making the right choices.

Furthermore, you don’t have the structure and schedule that you lived with during your active treatment phase, especially if you went to a residential treatment facility. Now, you’re all on your own, and it’s often a scary and frightening place to be.
First things first: Get yourself to a 12-step meeting. This is the one constant and ongoing support network that you have readily available to you. It doesn’t matter where you are in the United States, there’s likely one or more 12-step groups meeting in your area. There are even 12-step groups meeting regularly in numerous foreign countries and U.S. territories. You also don’t have to physically be in the room to participate, although in-person, in-the-room networking is always the best. Most 12-step fellowships offer online and teleconference meetings for those who can’t make it to a meeting location or need emergency assistance in the form of instant meeting.

Here are some other reasons why 12-step meetings are important:

• They can save your sanity: When things are all haywire in your life and you don’t know where to turn, you always have the support and encouragement of your fellow 12-step members. Just sitting in the room and listening to others talk about their struggles and strategies to overcome difficult challenges can reassure you that you’re not losing your mind. There really is something to this community of individuals all committed to helping one another maintain their sobriety. No, the participants aren’t counselors, and 12-step meetings aren’t a form of treatment, but they are invaluable. They’re a support group of your peers, people just like you who are going through the day-to-day issues of working their recovery.

• No judgments are offered: In the 12-step rooms, everyone is equal. Who you are in real life is insignificant. It’s the fact that you’re committed to your recovery and to helping others maintain theirs. Recovery isn’t a straight-line process, all constantly positive and instantly successful. It takes a lot of hard work and there are often little detours or setbacks as you try out various strategies to deal with certain issues or problems. As you become more comfortable and are willing to talk about your struggles in the room, you can be assured that whatever you say, you won’t get any judgments back from the other meeting participants.

•Find others in recovery who share your particular addiction: Just as you received treatment for your particular addiction at a facility that specialized in such treatment, you also can participate in 12-step meetings whose focus is recovery from that particular addiction. If you’re a recovering alcoholic, your primary 12-step meeting would be Alcoholics Anonymous. If you have a gambling addiction, you will likely attend Gamblers Anonymous. If you have multiple addictions (alcohol, drugs, compulsive sexual behavior, eating disorder, and so on), you can attend meetings for each of them. The point is that you want to be in fellowships where you can relate to the other members – and they to you – because you share similar problems and issues in recovery.
• Group sharing helps the individual: It’s often said that there’s great power in numbers. Nowhere is this truer than in 12-step group meetings. There’s something about listening to one member’s story, everyone nodding in acknowledgement (they’ve all been there), and offering a comforting word or supportive handshake. Just being able to verbalize the knot of emotions and difficulties involved in things like coping with urges, unexpected visits from former friends who are still using or other challenges often helps lift your spirits. Someone in the room may even have some practical advice or solution that worked for them – and may very well work for you. Brainstorming back and forth in working sessions often results in numerous strategies that may prove useful. This is so much better than sitting around at home stewing over a problem and not knowing what to do about it.

• They’re free: Whether you attended a residential addiction treatment program or got treatment on an outpatient basis, no doubt there were significant costs involved. Some addicts who feel they can’t afford treatment, either because they don’t have insurance or insurance doesn’t cover treatment, or because of family hardship, go to 12-step meetings to at least get some idea of how recovery works. While no treatment occurs at meetings, the fellowship is very supportive. Best of all, the meetings don’t cost anything. The only requirements to joining are a genuine commitment to maintaining sobriety and helping others do the same.

Tips on Working the Meeting Rooms

There’s no right way or wrong way to participate in 12-step meetings, but as you rack up attendance in different meetings, you will become aware of ways to best utilize the meetings. Here are a few tips on working the room to maximize your benefits – and those of the other participants.

•Be courteous and respectful: No matter what is said in the room – and sometimes there are heated discussions or things can get very emotional – always be courteous and respectful of others. You may not particularly like a speaker, for whatever reason, but you can always learn something valuable – if you listen to the message.
• Keep confidences: It goes without saying that what’s said in the 12-step rooms is confidential. It’s also anonymous, which should give you a great deal of comfort that what you say won’t get out to society at large. Still, these are groups of individuals, and the temptation to gossip isn’t something that 12-step members are immune to. To uphold the principles and philosophy of your 12-step groups, always strive to keep confidences. Just as you want your heartfelt and personal comments kept within the group, so, too should you keep whatever you hear in the room to yourself.

• Don’t be critical: Just because you don’t like something another member has to say or feel that they’re going about their recovery all wrong, keep your criticism to yourself. The whole purpose of being in these rooms is to be supportive of your own and others’ efforts in recovery. This means that you don’t criticize the choices someone else makes. You may, however, offer words of encouragement and support. That’s what most in recovery need, especially newcomers. They don’t have the answers.
That’s why they’re coming to meetings.

• Don’t feel you have to share right away: When you first start going to 12-step meetings, don’t feel you have to spill your guts out right away. It takes time to feel comfortable enough to want to say anything more than your first name. You’re there to listen and absorb, to get a handle on how all this works and whether or not the particular meeting feels right to you. At a certain point, when you do feel like you’re fitting in, you may wish to talk a bit about your story. No one will ever force you to do so. So, don’t worry about when the time will be right. You’ll know when it is.

•Try several different meetings: It may take going to several different meetings to find one that seems to click for you. Whether it’s the people who attend or the location or time or something you can’t quite put your finger on, some meetings just feel more comfortable than others. And, it may very well be that at some point, the meeting you didn’t like to begin with will become just the right meeting later on in your recovery. It’s also important to keep variety in your meetings. Why is this important? When you see the same people over and over again at your meetings, you may tend to tune out what they’re saying. Maybe they say the same things over and over again, and you don’t think you’re getting anything out of it. By going to different meetings, you solve that problem. You’ll have multiple networks of 12-step allies, all helping you in your goal of maintaining sobriety.
90 in 90: If you’re new to recovery, you may not be familiar with the 90-in-90 rule. Basically, it means attending 90 meetings in 90 days. Sounds like a lot, doesn’t it? The reason for the rule is that the first months of recovery are often filled with pitfalls. Relapse is common, especially among those who may not have enough coping skills practice. The discipline of attending at least one meeting every day – and you can certainly attend all the meetings you like in a day (meetings are available morning, noon, and night somewhere in your area) – helps you keep needed structure in your life. It also means that you’re always in the presence of others in recovery who can help you keep your priorities straight.

•Find a sponsor: Everyone in 12-step meetings needs a sponsor. A sponsor is someone who’s been in successful recovery for at least one year. Ideally, you’ll look for a sponsor with whom you can relate, someone whom you admire for their ability to overcome the challenges of early recovery, someone with whom you feel comfortable sharing your own issues and thoughts. It may take a while for you to find this individual, and you can always change sponsors if it doesn’t work out. The value of your sponsor is that this is someone that you can call on when you really need help – in the middle of the night, if necessary. In early recovery, your sponsor is the closest thing that you have to a lifeline – in addition to your therapist or counselor if aftercare or continuing care is part of your treatment program. So, while you’re attending various 12-step meetings, pay attention to the various individuals and speakers with whom you may share interests. If you like what one member has to say and he or she has been sober for a year or longer, approach that person and ask if he or she will be your sponsor.
How to avoid conflicts: Recovery is unique for everyone. Some seem to take to it naturally, while others struggle and slip again and again until they finally seem to get into the process. Understandably, there are bound to be conflicts that arise. When people get emotional, sometimes they say things that others may find objectionable or harsh. It isn’t that they mean to, but all that pent-up emotion and frustration and guilt and shame and rejection that someone feels has to come out somehow. Avoid taking anything personally. If you find that a conflict emerges with another meeting attendee, try to remain calm. You may wish to alternate your attendance at that meeting to days and times when the individual doesn’t attend, or change meetings. There’s nothing that says you’re going to always like everyone in attendance in the rooms. That’s just highly unlikely. But what is true is that potential conflicts can be nipped in the bud. Always take the higher ground. And, if you inadvertently say something you wish you hadn’t, be upfront and apologize to the individual and/or the group as soon as possible.

• Find gender-specific or special group meetings: You don’t have to feel intimidated by going to a mostly-male 12-step meeting or one that has men and women that aren’t in your age group. The good news about 12-step meetings is that there are sections of many chapters that have been created to specifically address the needs of particular groups. There are women-only meetings, meetings for gay and lesbian individuals, meetings for young people, and those for senior citizens. To find such meetings, look at the websites of the 12-step groups and check out what may be available.

•Maintain a home meeting location: While you attend various 12-step meetings, you should have one particular meeting that you commit to attending each week. This is known as your home meeting. Committing to a home meeting will help keep you grounded. It is a place filled with other 12-step members who know you and constantly have your back. In your recovery journey, it’s important to have this familiar and reassuring element to keep you focused on your future in sobriety.

How Long Should You Attend?
Many newcomers to recovery and 12-step group attendance wonder how long they’ll have to attend. There’s no right answer to this question. The fact is that after you attend meetings for about a year, you should continue to attend them for as long as you feel that you are getting something out of them. Many individuals continue to go to meetings for years or even decades after they’ve been successfully in recovery. They have built a community for themselves that keeps them on track.

At some point, however, when you feel that you are fully grounded in your recovery principles and have completed all your 12 steps, you may wish to give back. At this point in your recovery, you may wish to or are asked to become a sponsor. You may find yourself leading meetings, organizing workshops, helping out in job fairs or providing other services unique to your background and capabilities. You may even wind up starting your own meeting in an area that desperately needs one.
Some individuals with years of recovery go on to study and become alcohol and drug abuse counselors. Others write books on their personal recovery in order to help others.

Bottom line: How long you attend 12-step meetings is really up to you. Remember that recovery is a lifelong process. You can come and go in meetings, be away for extended periods, and come back again to find that the rooms still work for you. The 12-step meeting works because of the generosity of spirit of attendees and the overall commitment to sobriety. It has been that way since the founding of the first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and all subsequent 12-step fellowships. It will always be that way. This, in itself, is a tremendous example of the solid support that 12-step fellowships offer for all those in recovery. :1: