I'm scared of deppression...i relapsed

[Ang18]

Hi everyone, it has been so long since I've logged in. I relapsed(2 days ago) by taking some sleeping pills to numb out and I havn't been able to tell a soul. I almost went into denial and told myself, it's not alcohol so i'm sober,but I know better than that. All of this is very hard to share but maybe someone can relate? I've delt with deppression for a long time , off and on for 10 years-the amount of time i've been trying to stay sober. I used to go to 100's of meetings but its been so long and i need to stop bull****ting and get back to AA. Can anyone help me with how you keep seeing the "good side of life" , rather than falling into the "your grass is greener attitude" I will say I have been blessed in so many ways so why am I so scared to live a full life? ???

[samf]

Ang18, hi!!

Am sending you a hug! I understand wanting to numb out. That was one of the things I wanted the most to do, was feel numb. Then everything that was bothering or hurting me would go away.

I was diagnosed with major depression or clinical depression in 1992. I've been taking antidepressants, ever since. I've found there are differing opinions and understandings of depression and antidepressants in AA, but I take the medication, because it helps me.

As you probably know, it doesn't make us high, and we don't fall off into the bottle of antidepressants. ANYway! :)

The journey starts with the first step...go ahead and walk back into a meeting. It's your own butt you are saving...and that's the important thing. And no one can do it FOR you.

If I take a drink or drug today, I will be off and running again. I know that.

If it DOESN'T happen, to me, that is a miracle!!! So, to me, it sounds like, if you have stopped again, that you are the recipiant of a miracle.

As for the good side of life, for me, I see negative on autopilot. I have to work at seeing the positives, and I seem to take stuff for granted, too. So I make gratitude lists. I used to want to puke when someone suggested gratitude lists to me. Now, I do it. It helps me immensely to see things i can be grateful for. My life. A whole new day. My health. My recovery. My home. Food in the icebox. And so on, and so on.

Sometimes I also ask myself, "Where is God in this?" It changed my focus when I am in the middle of a tough situation. Or sometimes, I've learned to pray, "Thank you for this seemingly difficlut thing." It's wierd. It can change my focus, as well.

And this one is funny and helps me, to, becuase I do like funny stuff. i saw a t-shirt, the other day, that said, "Tough. S_ _ _! Don't drink!"

And that got me...made me laugh.

Some firends and I used to say, about living? that we KNEW how to survive, but we didn't know how to live. We are learning how to live. Yes, and have a full life. It's not scary to. It's a joy. And a gift, to me. All we have to do is reach out and take it.

Hoping very much that you will let us know how you're doing.

Don't give up, before the miracle, again. They're for sure out there!

Love,

Sam

[Ang18]

:DThanks for the all of your helpful tips. It's funny, because I've been sober off and on for years but I always feel like a newcomer, which probably means I need to find a meeting. What's been helping me is just allowing life to be exactly as it is. I hope your day is great and thanks for the hug

[samf]

Ang18, hope your day is great, too!! Hugs right back!! Let us know how it goes!

Sam