Dishonesty

[angussdundee]

We often hear these painful cries of despair from newcomers to our fellowship. " Why can't I just stop"? "What do I have to do"? "I feel so hopeless" etc etc etc. Of course we can all identify with these awfull cries because we once cried out ourselves in despair.
Personally, dishonesty had become a way of life with me as it does with most alcoholics/addicts. We lie to ourselves and we lie to others. We lie about our feelings, about how much we're drinking or using, about money, about our comings and goings.
The truth usualy is that we have become so used to lying - partly to protect our drinking - that we don't know the difference anymore between the fact and the fiction.
Untill we do get honest about all of these things and more, then we are unlikely to have a successful recovery. Continuing to make lying a way of life will make it impossible to become seperated from the bottle. Or, if we have become free from the booze dishonesty will lead us straight back to it.
When we lie to others, we lose their trust, but we also lose their help. Without the help and trust of others the world becomes a very lonely place indeed. Strangely, the fear about telling the truth is often more painful than the truth itself and it's always unfounded.
The first person we need to get honest with is ourselves. Because if we can't tell ourselves the truth, then we can't be honest with anyone and it all starts with that first step - "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable". This was a huge step for us, but a very neccessary one because, "Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. We asked His protection and care with complete abandon".
Dishonesty is a very old habit that has to be unlearned and we can't have a good recovery unless we do eventualy meet 'honesty' face to face.

anguss.

[kremjk]

Thanks Angus,

The home group I chose to join in my early recovery had members that I could relate to. The had led scandalous lives. And there were times in their sober lives that were yet scandalous. I knew this about them because they told on themselves at the meetings. They were honest. The first openly honest humans I had ever met in my (then) 28 years of existence.

I learned dishonesty from family and friends and teachers and preachers and bosses and co-workers and etc. etc. I did not so much lie to hide my drinking but more to hide the scandals. The message I got was, "We must avoid being caught in any scandal!" And kin to that was the finger pointing and gossip about everyone elses scandals.

My new friends in AA were the ultimate rebels in my eyes. Most other groups I observed still used much discression as they shared their experience strength and hope "in a general way". But my brothers at the Satuday meeting were brazen and raw. The rebeled against all dishonesty, against all their own secrets.

We would frequently remind ourselves that our last hope was rigorous honesty as we read this quote, There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.

I liked the idea of raw honesty. We scared people with our honesty. It was a place to feel strong and courageous. In time, with deeper searching I saw that I used this exibitionism to impress my friends and also to keep other people at distance from me. I slowly learned the value of discression and sponsorship.

There are rich rewards in being rigorously honest. The scandals have no power over me after I reveal them. But I must not harm others with the truth. I need discression, safe people to share with that will not be adversly affeced by my honesty. And in my brothers in AA I have just that.

jim k

[samf]

Thank you both!

I lied to myself about my drinking, I suppose. I didn't know that I was, at the time. It just seemed like alcohol was wokring for me...it helped me deal with life, I thought, at the time. I didn't know any other way to live.

I also found that I was unable to stop on my own, unaided.

That was baffling and scary...my thought was that there must be something wrong with me...I was weak, etc.

When I got beaten to my knees by alcohol, only then was I willing to listen, and to get whatever help I needed.

I loved my first home group...loved the honesty, as Jim shared! Because the other members were so honest, I found it easier to tell the truth...it wasn't as scary. Because they were so honest, I was able to see myself in them and what they shared, and that helped me.

Sam