View Full Version : feeling hopeless
jdraper61
06-04-2007, 10:16 PM
sober for many yrs. Im just so lost
If you want to talk, hope you will either post here, or private message one of us, if that feels safer. Do you have AA meetings where you are? that would help, too, maybe.
Sam
jdraper61
06-06-2007, 07:59 PM
I have almost lost the will to stay alive. I'm in a lot of fear.of about the future. I talked to a friend in the program. he said I have to it over. I did good up untill about 4 this afternoon but it came back. Im in tears and cant believe im saying. Im in fear that my world is falling apart. My brain tells me nobody expected you to stay sober for 12 yrs. and its been a good run. youve helped some people and conformated others. Im in fear of rejection if I tell people how I feel they will laugh at me and that would be. will lets just say I have go to sleep at night just more torjure my ism would have a field day. Sam I would appreciate any feedback .thanks
kremjk
06-06-2007, 09:06 PM
Hi JD I'm jim - alcoholic.
I'm one of those who "suffer from grave emotional difficulties" and according to that passage I do recover when I have the capacity to be honest. That has been my saving grace, the honesty in the books and in the fellowship that I have grown up in.
My brothers in the program were honest with me to the extreme and they led me to be open and honest with them. Honest about all the embarasing and scandalous things in my way of going through a typical day. We are sober by God's grace and that is evident by the fact that we still screw up.
It has been the fear of exposing these embarasing facts that has kept me in missery so many times. When I tell the truth on myself to my spiritual brothers and sisters I find that they do not laugh at me. Some do laugh because they recognize themselves in my story.
Others, who are not free of these same fears, laugh at my expence, but I know now that they are hiding their own stuff the same way I used to do. And their laughter hurts but it does not have the power to harm me when I stay in fellowship with honest people and when I work the steps with those honest people.
This embarasing reality of our humaness has been at the core of AA from the beginning.
The co-founders struggled with it. And all the AAs I have come to trust have also.
Here is a letter that Bill W wrote to an AA friend who was struggling with depression. I have used it much in my recovery:
I think that many oldsters who have put our AA "booze cure" to severe but successful tests still find they often lack emotional sobriety. Perhaps they will be the spearhead for the next major development in AA -- the development of much more real maturity and balance (which is to say, humility) in our relations with ourselves, with our fellows, and with God.
Those adolescent urges that so many of us have for top approval, perfect security, and perfect romance -- urges quite appropriate to age seventeen -- prove to be an impossible way of life when we are at age forty-seven or fifty-seven.
Since AA began, I've taken immense wallops in all these areas because of my failure to grow up, emotionally and spiritually. My God, how painful it is to keep demanding the impossible, and how very painful to discover finally, that all along we have had the cart before the horse! Then comes the final agony of seeing how awfully wrong we have been, but still finding ourselves unable to get off the emotional merry-go-round.
How to translate a right mental conviction into a right emotional result, and so into easy, happy, and good living -- well, that's not only the neurotic's problem, it's the problem of life itself for all of us who have got to the point of real willingness to hew to right principles in all our affairs.
Even then, as we hew away, peace and joy may still elude us. That's the place so many of us AA oldsters have come to. And it's a hell of a spot, literally. How shall our unconscious -- from which so many of our fears, compulsions and phony aspirations still stream -- be brought into line with what we actually believe, know and want! How to convince our dumb, raging and hidden "Mr. Hyde" becomes our main task.
I've recently come to believe that this can be achieved. I believe so because I begin to see many benighted ones -- folks like you and me -- commencing to get results. Last autumn [several years back -- ed.] depression, having no really rational cause at all, almost took me to the cleaners. I began to be scared that I was in for another long chronic spell. Considering the grief I've had with depressions, it wasn't a bright prospect.
I kept asking myself, "Why can't the Twelve Steps work to release depression?" By the hour, I stared at the St. Francis Prayer..."It's better to comfort than to be the comforted." Here was the formula, all right. But why didn't it work?
Suddenly I realized what the matter was. My basic flaw had always been dependence -- almost absolute dependence - on people or circumstances to supply me with prestige, security, and the like. Failing to get these things according to my perfectionist dreams and specifications, I had fought for them. And when defeat came, so did my depression.
There wasn't a chance of making the outgoing love of St. Francis a workable and joyous way of life until these fatal and almost absolute dependencies were cut away.
Because I had over the years undergone a little spiritual development, the absolute quality of these frightful dependencies had never before been so starkly revealed. Reinforced by what Grace I could secure in prayer, I found I had to exert every ounce of will and action to cut off these faulty emotional dependencies upon people, upon AA, indeed, upon any set of circumstances whatsoever.
Then only could I be free to love as Francis had. Emotional and instinctual satisfactions, I saw, were really the extra dividends of having love, offering love, and expressing a love appropriate to each relation of life.
Plainly, I could not avail myself of God's love until I was able to offer it back to Him by loving others as He would have me. And I couldn't possibly do that so long as I was victimized by false dependencies.
For my dependency meant demand -- a demand for the possession and control of the people and the conditions surrounding me.
While those words "absolute demand" may look like a gimmick, they were the ones that helped to trigger my release into my present degree of stability and quietness of mind, qualities which I am now trying to consolidate by offering love to others regardless of the return to me.
This seems to be the primary healing circuit: an outgoing love of God's creation and His people, by means of which we avail ourselves of His love for us. It is most clear that the current can't flow until our paralyzing dependencies are broken, and broken at depth. Only then can we possibly have a glimmer of what adult love really is.
Spiritual calculus, you say? Not a bit of it. Watch any AA of six months working with a new Twelfth Step case. If the case says "To the devil with you," the Twelfth Stepper only smiles and turns to another case. He doesn't feel frustrated or rejected. If his next case responds, and in turn starts to give love and attention to other alcoholics, yet gives none back to him, the sponsor is happy about it anyway. He still doesn't feel rejected; instead he rejoices that his one-time prospect is sober and happy. And if his next following case turns out in later time to be his best friend (or romance) then the sponsor is most joyful. But he well knows that his happiness is a by-product -- the extra dividend of giving without any demand for a return.
The really stabilizing thing for him was having and offering love to that strange drunk on his doorstep. That was Francis at work, powerful and practical, minus dependency and minus demand.
In the first six months of my own sobriety, I worked hard with many alcoholics. Not a one responded. Yet this work kept me sober. It wasn't a question of those alcoholics giving me anything. My stability came out of trying to give, not out of demanding that I receive.
Thus I think it can work out with emotional sobriety. If we examine every disturbance we have, great or small, we will find at the root of it some unhealthy dependency and its consequent unhealthy demand. Let us, with God's help, continually surrender these hobbling demands. Then we can be set free to live and love; we may then be able to Twelfth Step ourselves and others into emotional sobriety.
Of course I haven't offered you a really new idea -- only a gimmick that has started to unhook several of my own "hexes" at depth. Nowadays my brain no longer races compulsively in either elation, grandiosity or depression. I have been given a quiet place in bright sunshine.
(c) Copyright, AA Grapevine, January 1958
Please keep sharing with us. And please seek out a fellow AA whom you trust and let this stuff out.
jimk
???
i jsut found this site and loooking for help not sure how maybe to talk. 2003 my 1st hsuband died. didn't deal well with it. Been drinking most the time since now my 2nd husband of 2 years is an alcoholic so it's double hard to quit. I want to but so hard. I have a mentall illness and uise it to self mecicate despite the meds i have. Feel so stressed & anxious all the time neeed quick calm.
I've gone to AA & NA makes me want to drink talking about NOT drinking. I'm not a group person either that's why I'm online for help. I also have a therapist helping me. I wonder if there is hope.
gwen
JD maybe you need to replace the drinking spot with another psoitive activity-hobby, outdoor activity something new taht interest you and you can have apassion about. I'm not great at that but maybe you can be.. I'm real new at this so I hope I'm doing this e-mail stuff right.
Gwen
angussdundee
06-07-2007, 07:31 AM
Hello jdraper, Our friend Jim has already pointed towards honesty being our saving grace when we are feeling troubled within ourselves.
I know a number of alcoholics who have been sober for years but who have not been taken through the 12 step program with a competant and understanding sponsor. I have heard some of their 'reasons' why they have not done their program so I'll list just a few in the hope that it highlights the need for total honesty.
"My sponsor has not done the steps so why should I ?". This is like the blind leading the blind, sooner or later they will both fall of the edge of the cliff.
"I am still trying to understand the steps". Understanding comes with the practice of the steps not beforehand.
"I am not well enough to do the steps". The steps were designed for sick alcoholics in order to help them to get well so we do not wait untill we are well to do them; we do the steps then we get well.
"I have been through the steps with a sponsor once before, whats the point in doing it all again?". The steps enabling us to stay off the drink and to be free from the things that had been blocking us from getting well but they do not 'compel' us to stay sane and sober. If we want to drink or go insane again, we will - usualy because we have stopped practicing the principals of this simple program.
However, these facts do not change the truth, for us, there is no other way to get well.
The reasons why we laps back into the "fear about the future, fear of rejection, fear of being alone, fear that our world is falling apart, fear, fear, fear, fear, fear", is not important, just as the reason we bacame alcoholic in the first place is not important.
What is important is that we do it right this time and we start practicing our program again as soon as possible.
I know many who have done so and who have achieved successful, sane sobriety. I am one of them.
God help us all.
Anguss.
Hi, J.
I can understand almost losing the will to stay alive. I know what that feels like, for me.
I don't know your story, so don't understand your fears about the future...am sure they must be valid fears. I know my mind pushes me harder and it always runs to negative on autopilot. I have to work on not running amok, mentally...all those what if's kill me.
Turning it over...I ask my HP every day to help me stay clean and sober for today. I do what you all taught me to do, and somehow, so far, I keep making it another day.
I tune my fears over to HP, too...I ask Him to remove my fear, and to direct my attention to what He would have me to be. It helps me. Maybe it would help you? I don't know.
Boy, and I can dang sure understand my world falling apart. I understand that fear, for sure.
They say everything begins with the first step. Sometimes that's all it takes...whether it's getting to a meeting and being real and telling folks, "I need help."...or whatever it is.
Hoping you won't let your fear of doing that, because you fell, stop you. It's your whole life in front of you...don't let your head keep you from getting the help you need and get well again.
Ask your HP for help, and keep asking. And do the things you know to do. Don't listen to your head, when it tells you things that are going to hurt you...share it with another recovering alkie. Then it is half a burden shared. If you don't get help from that alkie, grab another one.
Go sit in meetings and just hold on. You know the drill. You don't have to talk, but asking for help usually helps.
Don't give up five seconds before the miracle. We fall down, we get back up.
Sometime around seventeen years ago, I had taken another drink. But my HP helped me get sober again. And you know what? This time, it's been better than the first time, too...I never would have thought that...not in a million years.
I feel like I've been given a gift, and want to share that with everyone who falls. See, I'm a real bozo, and if HP can get ME sober, then He can help anybody...cause I am the biggest turkey I know. It's just grace, you know? And it works.
One thing that won't pop out of my head (uh-oh!) is I keep thinking to suggest reading and doing step ten and eleven in the book, if you've been in the program before. It helps me start my day fresh, and in a good frame of mind.
Those are my first thoughts, J.
Sometimes i can be scatterbrained, so if anything helps, please use it. If it doesn't...just let it go, ok?
I am praying for you!
I want you to make it, J.
Hang in there, ok?
Sam
Gwen, hi!
Sure there is hope! At least, I think so!
I can understand losing a husband and that kind of pain. My husband passed away in 2005. I don't think I've ever had that much emotional pain, in my life!
For whatever it's worth, I lived with a practicing alcoholic for six years and stayed sober. I personally think it is a miracle, and I had been in the program for something like eight years, when he started to drink again.
I attend AA and Al-Anon meetings.
And I have taken medication for major depression since 1992.
So, yes, I honestly do believe that anything is possible!
I tned to want to isolate, like you mentioned not liking crowds or groups, but for me I learned it is not a good thing to isolate.
There are plenty of people out there who would love to help! The journey might be scary, and might be hard, sometimes, but you can do it, if you want it.
Maybe a good start might be to talk to your therapist about what is going on, if you are comfortable...and attending an AA meeting...go to some until you feel comfortable? You don't have to talk. You can just pass, if they ask you to talk. Youi don't have to do anything. You might hear so much hope! I think you would! You never know until you try.
The thing about drinking to deal with anxiety, etc...is that one drink sets up a physical craving for more, if you're an alcoholic. And we end up just keeping drinking. And we don't know why. It's beyond our willpower, so many times.
And then when we don't drink, it's almost like our minds talk us into a drink...we don't even see it, a lot of the time...is so baffling!
Anyway...hope you will keep talking...it can't hurt a thing...send a pm, if you don't want to talk on the board, here...talk to someone one on one that you feel comfortable with, if you feel like that's what you need to do.
We're all in the same boat. And we need each other. We stay sober together.
Sam
Thanks Sam ! I think I play games with myself about how this is the day then drink ok tomorroow i will not drink. Otis on Andy Griffith is now on TV drunk in the cell. It's humorous but in reality it's NOT. It's a trial everyday. Always a new excuse to drink. My husband has sports is on need more drink. If i don't drink too i feel left out (something I've always had difficulty dealing with) Any way I'm glad I've found this sight. I've drunk less in 2 days does that count? Some nights last week was 3-4 bottles of wine. UGH.
I'm glad i found this web site. Thanks for listening and talking. I need it !!! Eagerly i look each day for responses & answers & maybe thata one thing said is what will get me off the booze.
THANKS !!!!!
gwen
angussdundee
06-09-2007, 04:13 AM
Hello Gwen,
It's the primary purpose of every recovering alcoholic to try to pass the AA message on to the alcoholic that still suffers from this disease. Through our past efforts to do this, sometimes successfuly but more times not, most of us have come to realise that we make very little progress with a fellow sufferer who is still drinking alcohol. We have learned, often the hard way, that the most we can do is tell the newcomer the truth that we have learned about this illness called alcoholism.
The truth is, You are not involved is some game that you might someday win - you can die trying, millions have already done so.
You will not recover while you still believe you can justify your drinking by keeping company with others who may be just as sick as you are at the moment. You stand a far better chance of recovery if you seek out sober 'ex-drinkers' at meetings of alcoholics anonymous.
You will not recover from alcoholism by controling your drinking, we've already tried that one and it doesn't work.
You will never find the answer if you continue to look inside a bottle for it. We found that we had to; put the bottle down, pick up the phone and dial the contact number for alcoholics anonymous. Then we had to keep the bottle down and continue to attend the meetings on a regular basis and when we were there we had to take the cotton wool out of our ears and stick it in our mouths and learn to listen to the message that these sober people were trying to pass on to us for free in order to recover.
"If you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it then you are ready to take certain steps".
Ask yourself this simple question in all honesty Gwen and you'll find your answer. Perhaps that question could be "the one thing said that can help you to get off the booze", as you put it.
It worked for us and it can work for you too.
God help us all,
Angus.
THANKS Angus for your words of wisdom. Sundays are the hardest and worse. drowning in booze to escape hurt, hurt from husband who also alcoholic who seems to have no intention of quitting . I'm his front girl to make him loo good cuz of my past reputation. so i drown more & more & do feel hopeless, 7 can't seem to getr out. I read the ones you wrote me hope tpo get out of this hole but so very difficult living with alcolic husband too. it's a game with him he pretends it's no problem. i just don't know what to do .can't go to AA for a good reason. know that don't make no sense but to expalin ti don't know how. thnaks for comments
Gwen
Thanks Sam. want to hear more from you too. I'm jsut so lost, my situation is tricky, have to play the hide game and malkes all worse. More 7 more want to hide away with thbooze cept husband know cuz he's one too. life too mixed up & crazy can't make sense no more or where to turn. see we're to help drug addicts & alcoholics yet we are alcoholics ourselves & hide ire so its Dr jekyl Mr hide. it's a game a BAAAD game a deceiving game. i hate it but so hard to get out as i turn to booze to rescue me.
Gwen
angussdundee
06-18-2007, 06:14 AM
Gwen, It's encouraging that your keeping in touch with us. We know from our own past experience that, the more you stick around this thing, the more this thing will stick to you. We sincerely want you to get well because we know what active alcoholism feels like and we are well aware of the consequences of trying to beat the game by yourself. We found that we had to quit trying to win lifes trials all by ourselves and we had to ask for help from above and from others who had gone before us. In other words - we had to surrender to win! It feels a bit like leaping off a cliff without chute.... :o
This is the first step in our program of recovery. It's a massive step, but we know that no real progress can be made unless we do take this huge leap of faith and admit that yes, I am an alcoholic and my whole life is un-manageable - So what? Everyone who knows us probably knows that anyway so it's no secret..... :D
So, the sooner we get those so called secrets out in the open the better. It's like bursting a huge boil. All that stuff from the past that we're still trying to deal with all by ourselves is far better out in the open. You wouldn't hold on to bags full of rotting garbage for ever would you? No, because they'd continue to stink to high heaven. So why hold on to bags full of memories and resentments and fears and lies and people and places and things that we have absolutely no control over anyway?
I can tell you this Gwen without fear of exaggeration. I have never been to America! but I know that the people in AA are the same the world over and if you call your local AA number a member of this great fellowship will offer to visit you at your home or some other neutral safe place to talk with you and explane to you how this life saving, healing, loving, God given thing works.
No strings attached, it's just "the way it works". Are you ready to hear the truth Gwen?
Keep coming back,
anguss.
Hi, Gwen!
How are you doing?
Alcohol used to be my friend, for sure. It helped me drink away intolerable situations, and it helped numb the pain. Finally, my friend turned on me.
I'm real glad you keep shairng. I am hoping your today is a good day!!
Am sending a real big hug!
Sam
THANKS Sam for the hug. Monday i did not drink. not sure what happened Tuesday-my dad lectured me on my marriage so that really got me down so booze here i come. i just try to drown the hurt & pain and take my psych meds so i'll just knock. Did on Sunday night-I didn't know we had a flood i was out for so long. I will keep on this site. I need it. Since live with alcoholic who aslo has liver disease it's so hard. So i look to this site for support & encouragement. Yesterday i just didn't want it. Today was another story. So am disappointed in self. I sure appreciate your concern. Please don't leave me. I have trouble with my computer freezing-its Windowa 98 with new programs so it will goof up. i get so frustrated as i want to be on this sight & it gets tough to get on. So don't leave me please. I so appreciate ya'lls support very very much. i hope i can be where ya'll are soon.
Gwen
Hi, Gwen! Am sure that we won't give up. I think we all come here because we need to, for us. We end up sharing with each other and staying sober for one more day...or some of us come for a while and get sober...and so on.
I used to drink at things...stuff would happen, and I used booze...my best coping mechanism, at the time, to try to drown whatever I was feeling.
What sort of psych meds do you take, if you don't mind my asking? Answer only if you feel free to...no worries.
What feelings do you feel like you end up trying hard to drown? It sounds likea lot of fear, first off. And maybe sad. But I am not you, so really don't know.
You don't have to answer any questions I ask, if you don't want to, ok? Just something to think about, maybe, I guess.
So, when you do drink, are you able to control what happens or the amount that you drink?
I couldn't. But some people can, I guess.
And I couldn't control the blackouts, either...you know, where I was moving, but didn't remeber at all? (Sure had a lot of folks who were more than willing to tell me what I'd done, though...)
And I thought I fell asleep. Turns out I had passed out. I didn't know.
Only person that you will maybe find that you can do anything to help is really you...we all make out own choices. Am so glad you chose to come here.
Glad you wrote, Gwen.
Sam
SAM
we;ll just had big argue w/ husband. i try to sasy i'm sad i don't knowwhy. he don't get it. Mon. no booze, Tues. big bomb 3 bottles Boone's today i wanted to not so anxious took meds more tahn should but still goofed. 1 boone's then 1/4 pt as shared with husband . my emotions are just haywire can't figure out why.
Meds i'm on Xanex, seroquel, effexor & Lamital.
the feelings i try to drown-anger , hurt, sad, feel inferior like i'm not worth nothing. drown the pain-want to numb so i don't feel. i don't like to feel can't deal with it it's too too much. So much anxiety i need it to calm self irratic behavior at times. ifeel out of control.
I'm so glad i have you & otehr to talk to on e-mail. cuz i don't know who else. my therapist is on vacation, still e-mail i feel i need to to help but that's not fair to her.
sometimes i can control what i drink & sometimes not. i guess it's just what is going on at the time , emtions. like my dad on my cse sets me off & husband. my therapist says they're jerks. One time i went to therapist my mom did, & one time my dad went with her. So years later i went to him & he said i know whay you re the way you are meaning my dad.
Now i grew up in a active Chriatian home, very much into serving GOd. But still there's alot of mess. like there is apparernly mental illness in my dad's family-his gra,ps alcoholic disappear for days. I'm adopted but the environment can still cause problems.
yea i understand the blackouts-had a few major cut on foot from smashiong wine bottle- only remember a few parts, & police got me, don't remember they took me to hospital-i had to call hospital to find out i was there. crazy
Sorry i'm so long worded. I just feel glad someone cares & wants to listen. My husband fails in that area.
Do you still drink? Do you go to AA meetings. Some stronger alcohol contents makes me so very mean & violent. I'm a cutter too.
I'm jsut trying to get out of this crazy life & I'm so thanksful for people like you!!! I appreciate you!
gwen
Hey, Gwen! Good morning!
Whole new day!
No, I haven't had a drink for a long time...am somehwere around 17 years and eight months, I think...something like that. I do go to AA meetings, yes. I go to four a week, right now. I got to know the people there, too, and we do a lot of things together.
Do you have a Big Book, in your home? The solution that AA's use is a program of action that is in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. It has worked for millions of us.
Does your therapist or the person who prescribes the meds know that you drink?
I can understand feeling out of control. I definitely was out of control, so I still remember how it feels. I felt so dang desperate and empty inside and crazy. I thought I'd be better off dead, but didn't have the guts to take my own life...thank God.
Getting out of the crazy life...man, when you are ready, please give AA a try. I hope you will find the willingness to stop drinking, and get some help!
Message boards can be helpful, but in my opinion are no substitute for going to meetings, getting a sponsor, going through the steps with your sponsor.
And the really sad thing is that no one else can make someone willing to do that...it comes from somewhere inside, it seems. Or maybe something keeps us alive long enough for booze to beat the poo out of us enough to make us willing to want to listen and ask for help.
I had to go through an alwful lot of things that I dang sure don't recommend before I wanted to stop. And then I found I couldn't stop, on my own. It was baffling. I would gather up my willpower and try...and I just couldn't.
Controlling what I drink...wasn't until I got to AA that they explained that every time I took a drink, it set up a physical craving for more of the same. Somehow that actually made sense to me. But they kept telling me the solution, then, was abstinence...not to drink...not to set up that craving. And if I didn't drink, then all I thought about what drinking...how a drink would ease things...I would sit through being shaky and feeling like crud, physically...thank God I wasn't worse, that way....but usually I caved in and drank. The times I didn't drink, I was just miserable.
It got to where I never controlled the amount I drank...I just drank until I passed out..then drank again, when I came to. I couldn't stop. Blackouts...tried to control them from happening, but that never worked for me.
I have a scar where I cut into the palm of my hand on a drunk, in a blackout...remember putting my hand to the knife, but that's all...not how I got to that point...last thing I remembered, before, was being in someone else's house...then I was alone, with the knife.
I remember coming to or waking up and being so ashamed for all the things that had happened, when I was drinking. I remember how badly I wanted to stop...to end the out of control insanity. But not knowing how to stop.
Last night, at my AA meeting, we were talking about how heartbreaking it is to watch people, sometimes. How much we want to help, and how sometimes we just can't, because someone isn't ready to stop. I guess for me as long as the booze was working and things weren't too painful, I just wasn't ready. But then it all turned on me. And what would seem like the worst thing actually turned into being a good thing.
My AA story also leads into drugs, as well...and I finally did some absolutely insane things, drinking and drugging, and the only reason I stopped was that they locked me up. I could have kept going, in jail, and then in prison, using and even drinking (swill, but hey, it was there)...but I had done something so horrible to me, I just couldn't...I just wanted to die, for a long time.
I found a God of my own understanding and stayed sober for almost ten years, and then I drank again. And then I found AA. I was twelve-stepped into a meeting. If that man from AA central office hadn't taken the time to talk to me, I don't know what would have happened. But he did. And I got sober, agan, and have stayed sober, so far...am so lucky!
What I found in AA were folks just like me who understood...really understood. They could tell me stories about themselves, and the stories were a lot similar. They were there for me, when I needed them...they helped me learn to walk through my fears, to get past the anxiety...to learn to live without drinking to numb the pain. It is still amazing to me.
They helped me find a God or Higher Power of my own understanding who was there and ready to help me...I didn't have to understand God...they said...and good...I sure didn't understand the one I grew up with...THAT was confusing!
Since then I leanred some folks use the AA as a Higher Power, etc...here's a bunch of folks who have found a way out. Some call God Good Orderly Direction...they follow this way of life we learn in here, and it helps them walk through life, a day at a time.
They said all it took was an open mind...wow...I was for sure willing...had been beaten into a state of reasonableness by booze.
One of the best prayers I ever, ever prayed was , "God, help me." I still pray that. I ask for help every morning to stay sober for that day, and I thank whoever God is at night. (Sometimes I still don't understand my Higher Power...that's ok with me, today.)
And when I was scared to go to the central office and ask for help? I asked God to help me...and was actually able to walk in. And I stayed when that man was talking to me. Know what he told me? He said, "I know what it's like to want a drink so bad, you just want to die!"
Part of me wanted to run. Part of me wanted to stay. The longer I stayed, the more I saw he really understood. Then he helped me get to a little meeting, where I wouldn't be AS scared...and he was there...and that helped...and I started on the road to recovery.
I have probably talked your eyes off, Gwen. Hope today is a good day for you. You're in my thoughts and prayers, today.
Take care of you...hope you keep coming back and talking.
Big hug!
Sam
Gwen...just sending a hug...wanted to let you know I was thinking of you.
Sam
SAM !!!
Thanks you so very much for staying with me & sharing yourself!! It means a grea deal to me! My computer freezes up & i have to shut down. so frustrating!! today James & i went on route in Dallas area selling maps for my dad. i get the clammed up response. no sue how to respond. but i talk & no response. it reallu hurs. this is one cause of drinking!
WOW! That is so great you've gone 17 years! Praise GOD ! in my thoughts the ONLY GOD. ok. i appreciate you sharing with me as i feel so alone. My therrapist does knoe i drinlk but Dr. does not. i fear he will not give me Xanex. I'm trying so hard to usr meds to stop as Xanex is it's purpose. But like today need a quick remedy. sad i got Bone's 7.5% & 1/2 pint kentucky deluxe. it does not deserve capital letters. i'm so sad & hurt. My dad jumped my case & i realize I'm like him. oh does this hurt. i see myself in my dad & i'm adopted. My brother adopted other family had major Bi-pOLAR SHOT HIMSELF IN HEAD IN FRONT OF HIS WIFE. Pain!!!!! My ad blames himself, mom blames wife. I blame bi-polar which i also have but not as bad. my husband also has. What a mess!! Grateful we take ou meds. I know it looke like great spelling but if you knew he erasing i 've done.! My lab mix dog is my best friend. i hurt too much & husband don;t seem to get it. I trey to expalin-worthless. Thanks You so much for your understsandding & responses!
Reason why i can;\'t gp to AA.-it's ironic actually. We are ministry to half-way house & they go to AA. Well how would that look??? I've been too AA-first time so drunk i puked & had to be driven. Well i just didn;t get it. zI wnt yo 2 different towns. i wanted to drink after. i read the AA book. It was good storie s & i was happy for them but couod not relate. i don't know what';s wrong.
gwen
Hey Sam1
I thought i was doing good. Sat. i just had 1/4 of whiskey. then Sunday same. But later i felt so empty didn't know how to fix. Stayed outside read paper, loved on my dog 7 played. Husband leaves me feeling empty so there i go to booze store 7 he had to have aslo. then he spilt mine on me made me angry so i poured on him. More anger on huis side so there i go for more Boone's. What a loser day for me. I feel empty & lonely. don't know what todo or turn to so I'm watching a lame teen movie & drinking & eating chocolate-tryinto fill the empty void but it still don't work .For some reasons Sundays are so very hard. WE go to church (cept today went alone-he stayed up late watching tv0 so i was disappointed in him. i love to be ate church with my church family & my extended family came today! hurray. But then at home it just goes down hill. i just can't figure this out.
We help at a halway house as the spiritual side. And many if not all go to AA meetings so i can't go too. How would this look??? That's my problem .when i did go years ago i wanted to drink as they talked about it so wanted too and the anxiety made all worse. That's why i got on here. I have someone i can call but she's harsh -so it's hard on me i'm very sensitive. i thought the internet would work alng with my therapist.
so how are you???
Gwen
Gwen, hi! Good morning! How are you today?
I am good! We had sort of a family emergency, and I hadn't been online, here, for a few days.
Wow...the people in AA are kind of like the people, here, to talk to. By that, I mean they understand. The Big Book is a great book! I know the first time I read it, I thought that I couldn't relate to it. Now I see so much in there. It's kind of like reading the Bible, that way...I find something new, every time I read it! I learn so much!
You know that story of the demoniac, in the Bible? The one who cuts himself and wanders the graveyard? I heard an AA talk about that, one time...and how that was like what his active alocholism felt like, to him...his drinking. It got that painful to him.
And when he finally got the help he needed and found a God of His own understanding, that that Higher Power, as AA's say it, solved his drink problem for him.
It sounds wierd and mysterious, but God is pretty weird and mysterious, as well, in my opinion.
What would it look like, you said? Boy, I can understand the fear, for me, but the thought it, honestly, who cares, if you are trying to save your own life? It could end up being a part of your testimony, and you could end up being led to people who needed exactly your own story to hear, to find hope.
Just a thought. I will pray you find the courage to stick out your hand and ask for help, in person, if you feel led to. Mainly, I will pray that God does His perfect will in your life and helps you get exactly His will for you.
I don't think God wants us to be miserable. I think he wants us to be happy, joyous and free. He made this beautiful world for us to live in and enjoy.
Alcohol, for me, turned out to be a trap. My best friend (alcohol) turned on me. It began to hurt me, very much.
There's another little book, called Living Sober, that AA produces. It is a real good book for stopping drinking, should you decide to want to get it.
Someone started a Christian Twelve Step program called Celebrate Recovery, too. You may want to try finding out something about that, if you are more inclined toward that.
I like AA, because the people are honest and open, and the experience, strength and hope they have turned out to be exactly what I needed. But that's me. There has got to be a God behind all this, who directs and helps, as far as I'm concerned.
Well, Gwen, I am sending you a HUGE hug!!! That is enough chatter from me, for one morning! I hope you will keep talking and sharing.
I will keep coming and talking, too, ok?
Take care of you. You are worth it! And I believe God is busy loving you, twenty four hours a day.
We love you, already.
Sam
Thanks for the huge hug, i felt it. Just the booze turns on me too. I get stressed ned need calm it but makes worse. Last night too much, fight with husband-phsical lots of crying , laid out in mud then crawled in dog house -kept puking. Fianlly husband got me to be where i puked more. Awful things said.
new day to apologize & forgive. HAving very hard time doing postive things in place of booze. i have a list. Thre is a Celebrate recovery not far from where we live . I've thought of going. Just i'm a homebody
i never did catch on to Big Book so i didn't want to read again
well we're going out to shoot some fireworks.
sincerely your friend
Gwen
Gwen, hi. Hoping today is a better day for you. Hoping you try either AA face-to-face meetings, or Celebrate Recovery, or even both! It is worth saving your life.
Sending you a big hug!!!
Hey Sam
my real name is Laura. Gwen was my 5 day name as an orphan. i still feel it as my name as it ws my first real name. Well day started ok, but things started coming at me let & right. One needs this another doe this husband sleep till 1pm. trying laundry done other. i don't handle stress too well & i felt bombarded not long after i woke up. So when he went for booze i went too. a 2 bottled day i think. & he says my back & knee hurts well now he's an invalid today. how much help will i get. And fighting those darn raoches!!! yuck. i literally smash them with my fist -they brave daytime. i've sprayed & lots of roach motels-feel being pulled under.
We are helping spiritually & other wasy at a halfway house for those on probation-drugs & alcoholics that got caught by law. So i can't go to AA as they're there. A double face situation. We were going on Fri for Bible type class, but i think we now will go on Monday. The Celebration Recovery is Fiday. I know a lady by phone thru therapist taht i"ll call again about what it's like and try, I jsut don't like the 3 hr deal. i 'm not a very still person easily restless. Not sure how husband will deal with me gone, we're always here at night. So this is my plan to call her 7 get idea. need to know what to expect. So thanks for yourr continuous support of me & your hugs. Gives me that warm friendly feeling someone pulling for me i don't know but it shows your's areal caring person. So i honor you for this caring attitude for others!
Our life is chaos as there's no real stability. No full time work-disability & work we do for dad is when ever -never know till a few days where we go. Ugh got to go out of town overnight this coming week ! so dread > I willl worry about my dog-Buckie. i hope our new neightbor will watch over her, But she needs me-she's a people dog.
well I'll close .Thank You so much for keeping in touch!!!
Laura aka gwen
Gwen, hi! (And Laura, too...both names are beautiful, I think!) I can understand feeling Gwen is your real name.
Are they little roaches or big ones...just curious...roaches are not one of my favorite critters...still wondering what thier use was, when God made them! :) (I mean, there has to be a reason???) :D
I can kind of understand why you are hesitant to go to an AA meeting with the same folks you are trying to help. Are there other AA meetings you could go to? Another thought is that you might help them, as well, by going to meetings...just by being who you are and getting help. But I understand being afraid to.
That would be great if you could find a way to get to either Celebrate Recovry or AA. I don't know anything, really, about Celebrate Recovery, other than it is a program of recovery for Christians, and felt maybe it would help you, if you were too afraid to get to AA. All I am hoping for, for you, is that you find a way out...a way that helps you stop drinking, if you want to.
Other than that, I am just grateful and glad to be a friend, somehow, and talk to you. It helps me, alot....you may not know that?
Laughing...I am not a very still person, either!!! ;D (It was never one of my talents!)
That would be great, to call the lady you mentioned, too...you may just find you have a friend in her, as well.
I have a feeling that some of the chaos might slowly straighten out as you start to recover and keep getting help. That's waht happened, in my own life...God is amazing about those kinds of things...maybe you have seen some of that, working in the halfway house?
What kind of dgo is Buckie? (I have two dogs...love them to death!) (One is a Queensland Blue Heeler...one is a shepherd husky mix...the baby is eight...the big guy is twelve.)
Getting a call...be back, later!! Lots of love and hugs!!!
Sam
Gwen...just saying hello, and hoping your today is a good day.
Sam
i feel hopeless as my stop drinking plan is NOT working. Always good intentions then boom, i'll go back to store after husband did. thought i could go without. think i don't want but then need comes (it feels need) I'm tired of it but why don't i stop. And i live in redneck country so drinking is like everybody it seems. good ole boy drinking. a stressful Sunday & Monday so bad. neede drink shaking & much tension in neck/shoulders & headache that only wine could fix. i took pain meds & muscle relaxers-nope no work. so it's like wine is only thing that helps/but i also know later it ends up hindering but can't se that when stressed / tense / & nervous. Went to help new friend who had suicide thoughts. it did me in. i can't take too much of this type stuff. my mental not allows much. i was so drained. got home, not any better. ugh.
when will i ever. have to go work out of town 2 days in Waco area & i don't want to go. I dread very much.
thanks for saying hi!!! i appreciate you Sam . i told my therapist about you-psoitive!
Gwen/laura
ps Buckie is mix but mostly Lab-golden. she'a smaller tah Labs. I love her so much. i'm always huging & kissing her. She lsitens too.
roaches sre small 7 medium, they are so brave they jsut come out any time day or night. i smash with my fist. i gues all this mega rain we're getting is NOT helping the situation.
this day was a better than last 2 but i still feel spent from Sunday.
Gwen, hi.
That was one of the things that got me...when I wanted to stop, I found that I couldn't stop, on my own.
For a while, I think I just wanted to want to stop.
Then when I really wanted to, I found that I couldn't.
Not on my own.
I needed God's help. And I needed AA, I found, for me.
I ended up kind of crashing and burning, in life. All those things I thought I needed were taken from me...even my freedom.
What seemed like the worst thing became the best thing in my life that ever happened to me.
It had to be God...it sure wasn't me.
I'm so grateful that there were people and signposts on the way, to show me a way out.
But I remember having the very best intentions to NOT drink, and then I would end up drinking, anyway. All I could think about was that sense of ease from taking a drink. Or I would drink when I was angry, when I felt sorry for myself, when I wanted to celebrate. I would take the drink, and then the drink would take me down.
I would figure ways to control the amount I drank, but it never worked for me. (I tried everything I could think of.)
Buckie sounds like a wonderful dog!! I love my dogs to pieces!
Love,
Sam
Hey Sam
i thnak you so much for the reply. so good i printed it . to read it hit me to think. this has been a really bad week. i'm used up emotionlly. i'm so upset i just want to be in a drunken stupor. hope this don't last long. i missed the celebration session. we were doing errands & got back too late. but i'm not into being with people right now & maybe ones that will stress my emotions which are already stressed from Sunday pm!
I just want to thnak you so much for your replys. for staying with me. sorry i'm not so quick but i hope you understand from your own life. i'm trying. not sure what it will take.but please don't give up on me i hope !!!!
gwen
Hi, Gwen! ;D
Big hug!
Good morning!
Hope your today turns out to be a good one! :)
Sometimes when things are difficult, I look for little graces and moments, in the day...they are always there, but sometimes I'm just too preoccupied to see them.
I remember looking up one day, in the middle of a lot of chaos, and there was this little bird, just eating and flitting from place to place...I focused on him, and thought of how not one sparrow falls to the ground...God loves sparrows...and thought maybe God sent the little bird to remind me of that.
Even smiles from folks I have learned to see as gifts, because they are!
Sometimes for me, there are things that soothe and comfort. I was so busy trying to take care of everyone else because I thought I should, I neglected my own quiet time and neglected things that would feed my own spirit and heart.
Maybe those kinds of things can help, sometimes...I don't know.
I really like talking to you, Gwen. I'm glad you talk to me, and we are friends.
Sending a hug and prayer and a wish for all the best your way!
The pups say hi to Buckie!
Sam
my dear friend Sam
well went to Dr today. she asked about my drinking. said to quit i'd probably have to divorce husband. this was eyeopening! i don't want to. i'd gotten a bottle when i got his as he asked before i wetn to r so he would have. so i dranks some as so overwhelmed /stressed. then late tonight as we left halway house he wanted to get a bottle. well stupid me don't want to be left out get one too.
i think i'm hopelss as i wanted Sunday to be quit day, then it's Monday well weeks started wait till next Sunday. i think i'm hopeless. i appreciated you staying with me but i understand if you don't.
THANKS !!! SAM !!!
love your friend gwen
ps i've been printing what you write me to re-read but forget to before i get drink. maybe i'll catch on in time!
Hi, Gwen/Laura!
Oh, I wish I could help you want to stop drinking badly enough where you would be willing to go to any length to get sober!
As I told you before, I got beat up pretty bad before I wanted to stop. I have always been a hard head.
I used stress and lonliness as excuses to drink, myself. The thing was, I wanted that drink. It was no one else's fault...it was me that wanted the drink. But it was easier for me to handle if I could say, well, if it wasn't for this or that, or for him or her, I wouldn't need a drink.
And I would lie to myself...just this one...I can control it. I couldn't.
It just kept getting progressively worse.
Getting to meetings would help. Getting a sponsor and going through the steps would help. Stopping drinking would help. It isn't easy. We stopped, but we couldn't stay stopped. Always, the obsession to have a drink got the best of us. We took a drink, and then the physical craving for more of the same was there. We were in a trap, and didn't know how to get out.
So now when we see other people doing the same thing, we hurt FOR them, too. But we aren't God, and we can't make them want to stop bad enough to go to any length.
So we end up sharing about ourselves, and trying to tell them what worked for us. And we try to be here for them.
Don't give up on yourself. I know of a lady who went to meetings for fifteen years before she ever got sober.
But getting to meetings would help. Doing the things I've tried to suggest would help.
Do you have a Big Book?
Do you have that little AA book, "Living Sober"?
Let me know, if you want to.
I used to think I must be a weakling because I couldn't stop drinking, or stay stopped. It wasn't that. Alcohol turned out to be a power greater than me. It was running my life. I was powerless.
Maybe your drinking thing is kind of like my smoking. I want to want to stop. But I lie to myself and end up smoking again. One day, maybe it will finally sink in that I can't have even that one cigarette I keep lying to myself about.
I start off good, and then I blow it. I don't want to ask for God's help at those moments. The thought of the cigarette and how good it will feel blocks out all other thoughts. I buy a pack...tell myself I'll just smoke one...then smoke a bunch until I get disgusted and throw them out or give them away.
I kind of did the same thing with booze. Both will kill me. I've been gifted/graced with not having to take that first drink. But it didn't come easy for me.
Well, am talking too much, probably.
I hope that maybe today is the day for you. Keep talking if you want to.
I come every day and check to see if you have been by.
Sam
Tues i was doing better afterseeing thearpsit-i didn't really want to drink- got bottle but didn't go right to it as usual. drink alittle -not the same . even though i drink all it was different in mind & feeling. but next day bomb. My dr. said to quit drinking may need to get divorced. when i get upset with him i drink more-get feeling s hurt or angry. and he drinks alot so it's more tempting. today i'm really down.
my husband smokes too. saw his dad suffering with emphysema said he'll quit but didn't. now he's dipping & smoking. Suppose to help stop smoking but i don't think so.
it's so good to log on & see you are there! Thanks for staying with me. I'm so bummed on myself about not stopping that the feeling is back. :(
gwen
Hi, Gwen! I used to use booze to numb my feelings as well. Never really worked...kind of gave some temporary relief, early on.
You might consider trying AA, too...married or divorced.
I have a day without smoking. Whole new day today. One day at a time.
Drinking. If you fall down, get back up and try again. Ask God for help. Whole new day today.
Try not to let your feelings drive you so hard. Please feel free to talk about them, ok? But my feelings, anyway, always drove me...I was always trying so hard to fix them. I wanted so bad to just feel happy and that sense of ease.
Had a busy day, here, yesterday...got plenty done. And it was kind of relaxed, at the same time. Got a busy one today, but am looking forward to it.
Am sending a bunch of hugs your way!!
Copying this out of the doctor's opinion, in the Big Book. I like it. It follows, now:
"Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one. They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks?drinks which they see others taking with impunity. After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery."
Does any of the above sound familiar to you? It sure did, to me, when I saw it.
Big hug!!!
Sam
so far thsi Sunday i've not drank xcepton sip of whiskey-yuck. usually by now i'd drank already. for some reason Sunday is hard day eventhough i've gone to church. taken all my anti-anxiety meds. still trying to not fall for a bottle. i jsut think ond day at a time or hour.
i think alot of depression is from trying not to drink & failing. like the title hopeless-that is real depressing.
thnaks for the the doctor's opinion from Big Book. yes i can relate. a friend gave me Daliy Reflections byy AA member for AA members. i was readin for a while them put away not got out.
i live in North Texas where we've had mega rain & flooding. we didn't have at our house just a squishy lawn but sun is out agin so hope for some drying.
I'm 45 and starting drinking when my first husband died. actually i started when i had a real stressful job dealing with behavior problem children but just a shot of whiskey or whatever and occasionl wine with husband. i was sober for while at times especially when i got pucky sick my dad took me to Dr. i was so sick . he took me to their house to recouperate. not sure how i got started if it ws with new hsuband.
thanks for the big hug, i'm sending you one and thank you so much for listening & talkin and encouraging me.!! Can't see my therpist for 2 weeks. :(
love your friend Gwen
Tinker, thank you so much, too!! Gwen, am so glad you guys "met" each other, here.
How are you doing, Gwen?
Today is a good day, where I am...whole new morning!
Love,
Sam
hey. not a good day. feel so lonely empty and sad. a 3 boottle day of boones' 7.5 % sory. computer hard to get into ugh. tahnsk for being there. please don't leave. please/ fell into drink ass husbandd wanted 2 then 3 . 3 & 3 for us both. i just so lonely & hurt/ he sleeps mopst day the baseball. i like it but grt overloaded uknow maybe? it's lioke we r separete. hrts. i have bobed . sorry very sorry. i think i am now drunk, bad. i'm sorry GOD. life cN BE SO HARD TO DEEAL WITH I' SUREU K OW.I'M ALONWE IN ALL THIS ECEPT FOR U ^& TINKER ON EMAIL.. HEAD IS SPINNING ., GOT YO CLOSE. SORRY SO VERY MYCH :(
iwent 2 days them bombed sat. today Sunday i got a botle but only drink alittle not into it todday i hope this goes & thee next day & the next day etc. I want so much to beat this. it's like when i don't drink i feel great a major accomplishment like i won! if i bomb i feel like a really big loser, not worthy to be alive or have blessings. i know that's not true but sure feels that way. i crave for something, need something, bored don't know what i need. but i know it's not booze cuz i had some & it meant nothing. i think i want a glass of cold water.
thanks for being there/here everyone.
gwen
Gwen, how are you today?
I would get up with great resolve not to drink and would find myself drunk, many times, before I knew it. It was absolutely baffling. I would feel real ashamed of myself and so embarrassed...felt like I didn't deserve to live, any more.
The alcohol made me even more depressed, but I didn't know that, either.
I couldn't see a way out.
So I do understand.
Whole new day today.
Do you have an AA Big Book? I don't remember if you did.
Have you ever gone to a meeting, yet? I don't remember if you did.
When I don't want to smoke, I ask God for help. He seems to help me.
Still here and reading...am not going anywhere.
Sam
i'm lost can't find anyone. not doing so god anymore las tfew days. jumped off wagon & feel so sad & lonely, not tryin to whine jsut the truth.
gwen
How are you doing today, Gwen?
Sam
not good, bad day. went to dallas for husband to liver institiute. he only says he can have surgery, that';s all. no more till over hour klater tells a littlemore. he tels more to our preacher, my dad his dad than me. how does this make me feel???? like nobody!!! it hurtd very very bad so u know hwat i do drown in the booze 2 boones 7.5 % & 1/2 pt whiskey maybe it's enough. so much pain i feel so alone, i feel like a nothing like i 'm treated by husband. went to go on treadmill 46 min. was good & weights but hthen back hon ugh!!! then dog to school yard to play fetch. ok then back home, uhgh!!!!!!! i hurt so bad sorry i'm a loser at this point i don't know what to do any more jsut feel so very lost why stop drinking drowning in the booze ??? why ??? i don't care about self why should i. parents old, brother dead. husnband questionable. so why bother ??? whyy ?? udont have to answer i know ansewer. sorry thansk
gwen
Hi, Gwen.
I couldn't stop drinking on my own. Alcohol had to beat me up pretty badly before I wanted to get sober, and then I found I couldn't get sober on my own strength, unaided.
I was real prone to hating myself, and feeling sorry for myself, too, when I couldn't get sober. I wondered what the use was.
Then one day, I had an awakening and some help from a Higher Power. I got desperate, and it turned out my Higher Power was there, right with me.
I keep hoping that will happen for you, too.
I thought I would probably die while I was still drinking, but it seemed God had other plans.
Have you been to a meeting, yet? Do you have a Big Book? Did you ever find a copy of that book, Living Sober? It's a real good book.
Maybe your therapist could recommend a place for you to get help, if you decide you want to.
Sending a wish for a good day your way, and a hug.
Sam
what is the book Livivg Socer about? is it like daily readings. not too sober thsi week except today. i drank one bottle of Boone's then went to get another but did not. glad i didn't. i know i need to go to Celebrate Recovery on Friday nights i just forget then i could go hr late but chicken out. only book i have is Daily Reflections by AA people. and read & study my Bible. makes it harder to stop when so stressed everyday & tension in inupside down unkown daily life. no guidance. empty. lay in bed why should i get up???
this is each day. except Sunday if i remember it's Suanday knowto get up for church.
just another trial drinking adds.
hugs gwen thanks !!!!! Sam !!
Living Sober is a little (maybe three eighths of an inch thick) AA book, chock full of real good suggestions. It is in small, readable sections...not really like a daily meditation book, although I guess you could read it that way, too.
This is just to make you smile...do you know Proverbs 23: 29-35, in the Bible?
The first time I ever read it, it was in a Living paraphrase, and I thought, "Man! That sounds just like me!!"
Maybe when you decide to, you could write Celebrate Recovery or an AA meeting down, on your calendar, and remember to go...or, yes, even arrive late. That's up to you.
I know I used to think it would be a big deal if I got to a meeting late, but it was really just a big deal to me...not to everyone else.
Did you read the Daily Refelections for today? I really liked it.
Sounds like a "God deal" that you didn't buy another bottle.
Sometimes I find my Higher Power (God) is helping me, even when I don't realize it.
I live close to trees and things, and sometimes just spend time in nature, when I can, watching the birds, etc. I feel more peace, during those kinds of times.
I find those little breaks like that help to ease some of the stress, in my own life. There are always for me, moments in my day with little pockets of joy and peace in them, if I remember to look.
Did I ever tell you what they told me about, "be still and know that I am God"?
That the "be still" meant, "stop struggling". I had this mental image of me just dropping my arms to my sides and stopping struggling and looking to God. That the world is still running. The stars stay in space. The air keeps coming in and out of my lungs. I am able to walk. I am able to see. My heart keeps beating. Somehow, something outside me seems to keep holding things together and keeping me alive.
Then I would find myself saying thank you.
One thing I do some days is to make a little list every morning of five things I am grateful for. It's a good way to start off the day for me, no matter what is going on.
Just some thoughts about stress.
Have a good today, Gwen!
Hugs right back.
Sam
Gwen, Felt like copying this for you from one of Carol87's posts. It is good:
"May today there be peace within. May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content knowing you are a child of God. Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us."
Sam
THANK YOU !!!!! Sam!!! difficult time. we're moving to Sherman only few miles away but that's where we go to church 7 do our business. but not much help from husband, he watches movies & ball games while i work & has excuses. gets to my core 7 burns me so drinking has been heavy, please don't give up, this moce so sudden. i feel most of coordinating on me 7 so very stressed. i don't do stress very well correctly. not sure how long i have internet on or when reconnect as we have to change providers. but i can get on my dad's computer to check e-mail. life is a big blur right now & i've givien up on stop drinking. too weak to sto[p. for now. i hop[e gets better. jsut i feel no su[pport. except you. whicji do so much apprecitae. just can't get the computer to cooperate for me. it keeps disconneting me .AHHHHHH!!! so better go so i can send this.
Thanks for being my friend & staying with me!!!
gwen
Hi, Gwen!
Talking with you helps me! And I was thinking about this guy I used to live with and how I would blame him for everything, and even the stuff I was responsible for, in my own life. It's like I had abdicated any responsibility...it was all his fault.
It didn't change anything, for me to think that way, I guess, but it sure took away the guilt, and as I long as I was a victim, I couldn't change.
One day somebody showed me that I had choices, in spite of what anyone else doing. I mean, the choices ranged all the way from my stopping drinking and using and having a different life, to even leaving and having a different life.
People used to try to help me, all the time, but I kind of took a satisfation in people not being able to really help. It was like a tragic screenplay, playing out, right in front of me, and I sure did love the part I was playing.
Wow. It was weird!
Anyway. That's the first thing I thought of, this morning.
Hope you had a real good day.
Mine was a good one. I helped a neighbor. Went to a meeting. had lunch and supper with someone. Oh, and went to my favorite thrift shop. Deadheaded some of the flowers in my garden. I would have never even had a garden, back in the old days.
So grateful to have been granted a reprieve, and have been enabled to stop drinking.
The meeting was cool. We talked about how much work it used to be, drinking...the finding it, waiting for it, sneaking around to have it, lying to folks and pretending.
Sure am grateful for this day, and waking up clean and sober. Life is wild...I never would have thought I'd live through it. God is good.
Sending a big hug!
Sam
FEELING REALLY RELLY HOPELESS. SO SAD & ANGRY. MOVING IS MAKING A WAR BETWEEN ME & JAMES. MUCH ANGR. DRINK TO CALM NUMB ANGR. I PRINTED UR WISE WORDS. THANK U !!!!
I WILL BE OFF LINE NEXT FEW DAYS, HAVE TO GET NEW SERVICE AS THIS SERVICE NOT OFFERED IN SHERMAN. BUT I CAN USE MY DAD'S WHEN GET TIME. TAKE CARE & THANKS SO MUCH FOR HUGS.!!!!
GLAD U HAD GOOD DAY! SOUNDS RELAXING.
SENDING U HUGS TOO
GWEN
Hi, Gwen!
Hope the move is going ok for you and that you will be able to get back online, soon.
AA's steps do have a way of dealing with things like anger that might be like a whole new way of life for you. I think you'd be amazed.
I had a good day yesterday...lots of work...made a cake for a home group memeber who was having a sobriety anniversary. After the meeting, we all took the cake to a restauant, ate together, and then sang happy birthday and ate cake.
There was a lot of good conversation and laughing...it was the highlight of my day.
Today, I am writing to you and looking out my window, watching the birds at the feeders, and looking at the roses and the plants growing...and trees. I spent quite a bit of time on my yard, this year, and it's fun to see the results.
I am hoping that your day today tunrs out to be good...and always, Gwen, am sending hugs your way!
Sam
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