WHERE IS EVERYBODY?!!

[Yvonne]

Hey Guys, Where are you all? I know its Easter but no-one's been on for a while.

Had a slip on Friday and Saturday and needed to "talk" to somebody. House-sitting for my sister at the moment. My parents live on her property and I am cooking for them etc. My mom has anorexia and is not well at all. They are both alcoholics and constantly have a drink in their hands, regardless of the time of day.

Well that I can handle but I asked my sister to make sure there was no alcohol in her house. Well she missed a bottle in the pantry. I saw it on Friday morning and I swear I tried to ignore it. On hindsight I should have poured it down the sink but by Friday night I was half demented and decided to have just ONE so I could stop thinking about it. Yeah right - well we all know I finished it. Then Saturday had a hangover so had to get some wine to cure that. Sunday morning was so disgusted with myself I threw the rest of the wine down the sink (couldn't finish it the night before -now there's a first!).

Feeling fine now - Monday morning here. Haven't had anything else and am not craving. Just disappointed in myself and feel like I've let everybody down. My parents didn't notice I was drinking (drunk themselves) and I just go to bed when I drink anyway. But I KNOW AND GOD KNOWS. :-[

I honestly thought I wouldn't drink again - was feeling TOO good about everything.

Ok so back to the beginning - back to Step 1. Obviously need to try harder.

But you know I really believe that if I had a sponsor I would have called her and wouldn't have had that first one. Now I realise the importance of having someone to talk to. There was nobody else I could call who would understand.

Need to throw myself into the program and find a sponsor somewhere, somehow, very soon.

Anyway, just needed to admit what I'd done so I can "let it go" and start again. I'm NOT giving up!

Love you guys
Yvonne

[Yvonne]

Just found a previous thread on another forum "Slips don't just happen" and read the entire thread.

Well it answered a lot of my questions and I related to a lot of it. I can see the negative thinking started a week ago.

Some of the posts were disturbing and I really hope that not too many people in my meetings feel like that. It actually really scares me about how I go about choosing people at meetings to get advice from etc. What if I choose the wrong people? People that have the same mindset as those posts I just read?

There are some on this site that I really relate to and think have incredible insight and wisdom in this program - through there own experiences both as drunks/addicts and in recovery.

I choose to think this "relapse" will help to reinforce to me that I am Powerless Over Alcohol. Yes I chose to pick up that first drink but my brain and body was going MAD with wanting it!!!

Got to go do some serious praying now.

Have a great day everyone!

Yvonne

[angussdundee]

"This relapse will help to reinforce to me that I am powerless over alcohol". "My brain and body was going MAD with wanting it".
Seems like you've got the two extremes going on there Yvonne; Good & bad. Right & wrong. Ying & yang etc. etc. etc.
Go to Chapter 2 - There is a solution, in our Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous and read it through and you'll see youself described to a tee right there.... "There is a complete failure of the kind of defence that keeps one from putting his/her hand on a hot stove".
" The alcoholic may say to himself/herself in the most casual way, it won't burn me this time, so here's how".
I'll ask you this question and I hope you'll take it in the manner in which it is intended; only to be helpfull. Was this really a 'slip' or were you just not serious about stopping in the first place? Only you can answer that question. I have heard it said many times from people who have 'slipped'; "I have been attending meetings, I got a sponsor, we started the steps but I have slipped". "What is the use of carrying on, it didn't work last time"! My answer is always the same to these people; The steps are enabling steps, they enable us to stay off the drink but do not compel us to stay sober. If we want to drink, we will drink. The usual reason is that we were not practicing the principles of the steps or we were not serious about stopping in the first place. The fact that we 'slipped' however does not change the truth. There is no other way to get well, for us. The reason why we drank is not important, just as the reason we became alcoholics in the first place is not important. We just get on and do it right this time.
We start practicing the program as soon as possible. I know many who have done so and who have achieved successful sobriety to this day.

anguss.

[Carol87]

Yvonne, thank you for your honesty about the slip. Pick yourself up, dust off, and move forward. God allows U turns, so does AA.

Ok so back to the beginning - back to Step 1. Obviously need to try harder.

But you know I really believe that if I had a sponsor I would have called her and wouldn't have had that first one. Now I realise the importance of having someone to talk to. There was nobody else I could call who would understand.

Need to throw myself into the program and find a sponsor somewhere, somehow, very soon.

Anyway, just needed to admit what I'd done so I can "let it go" and start again. I'm NOT giving up!

To stay sober you need to take ACTION ... I do hope you will find a sponsor as soon as you can to help you work the steps, get to as many meetings as possible, find a Higher Power on a daily basis. Every morning ask God to keep you sober, when He answers that prayer, at the end of each day Thank Him.

a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.

b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.

c) That God could and would IF HE WERE SOUGHT. More on pages 58-60 of the Big Book.

Reread Anguss' post ... he has some excellent points ...

(What disturbed you in the posts in the "Slips don't just happen" thread?)

[Yvonne]

Thanks for your messages Anguss and Carol. Anguss you did make some excellent points. I have my BB with me at work today and I'll read Chapter 2 again. You know when you said that bit about do I really want to stop? Well I do, but I find l can't cope with some situations in my life without a drink. But as you said the reason we drink is not important.

I am going to really get involved with my AA group now. Find a sponsor and start working the steps. I have a lot of problems at the moment - financial etc. but I know that I can only deal with them if I stay sober. Drink messes up my life so much, its crazy.

Thanks so much for being here for me.

Yvonne

[angussdundee]

"but I find I can't cope with some situations in my life without a drink"......

Yvonne, That is a statement that seems self-contradictory but may be true. In other words, It's a paradox!
We AA's, who by the grace of God and the strength of the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous have found sobriety, have discovered that when we put down the drink and left it down, we could in fact cope with life's 'situations' in a way that we never could before because a new power had flowed into us, a higher power. But remember this. "The spiritual life is not a theory". "We have to live it".
So, if you have your copy of the big book at the ready then why not go to the chapter that states the above (chapter 6) that say's "Into action". Go to the page that tells us; "if we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through",,,, and read. These are the 'promises' of AA and they will always materialize if we work for them.
I have pointed you towards one or two parts of the Big Book that will help you but there is nothing like sitting down with an experienced and compasionate AA member (a sponsor) and studying the Big Book in it's entirity then putting it's principles "into action".
It works if you work it and our hands are outstreached to help you on board. C'mon and join us.

anguss.

[Yvonne]

I hear you Anguss. You are so right. I realise that I need to be sober to sort out the mess my life has become. The vicious cycle of drinking and being hungover makes me bury my head in the sand and not face up to my problems and sort them out.

Thanks for caring, sharing and giving me advice. I really appreciate it. I'm going to do this!! :D

I told my 17 year old son this morning that I am not drinking anymore. I hadn't told him when I started going to AA again. Told myself I wanted a few months sobriety behind me before I told him. That was a cop-out - gave me an excuse to drink again.

Have a great day.

Yvonne