I am Terrified of AA ....

[Yvonne]

Do I have to stand up in AA one day and tell people every bad thing I've done in my life? Is this necessary to get better?

It absolutely terrifies me - the thought of others knowing the bad things I've done. This is what made me leave AA the last time I tried. There are things in my past I will never forget or forgive myself for. I know this is part of the problem but no-one in the world except me and God know the things I've done. :-[

Yvonne

[WolfM]

Dear Yvonne,
You do not have to stand up in a meeting and tell every bad thing you have ever done. That is a privilege reserved forthe person with whom you choose to do your 5th step.
In an open meeting we share in a general way, our experience, strength, and hope. Please do not be afraid of AA. It saved my life and it could save yours if you want it to.

Wolf M

[Yvonne]

Thanks Wolf, I obviously have so much to learn about AA and the steps. I am quite a shy person by nature, except when I'm drinking :D, so the thought of talking or reading out scares me.

However, I will do it when I'm ready - know I have to get involved this time.

I've been reading through all the old posts today - quiet at work - and they are so helpful and insightful.

The caring on the site is unbelievable. I am grateful to you all and to God for making me see sense at last.

Thanks
Yvonne

[Carol87]

First of all Yvonne ... Welcome back to AASL!! So glad you decided to come back.

I can relate to so much of what you have shared. I, too, was absolutely petrified to share at meetings for fear that I would be ridiculed and rejected ... to the point that I would only go to speaker meetings so that I wouldn't have to let anyone know 'the real Carol'. That worked for me for a period of time and kept me going to meetings. Eventually I did get a sponsor and started attending discussion meetings; sometimes I share; sometimes I just listen. The important thing to remember has already been mentioned here ... share in a general way. Keep the details for your sponsor. I had to learn that the hard way. And I'm betting that you haven't done anything worse than the rest of us ... trust me, we do understand.

Wolf had good advice about step 5. There are four steps before you get to that one ... to be worked in order. One day at a time Yvonne ... I wanted recovery NOW when I got here; I was constantly reminded that it a process ... a term I learned to hate but also learned it is so true.

You have a great start ... you have been to a meeting and have already made a friend to attend another meeting with. I do hope you will find someone soon to be your sponsor. Someone you are comfortable with and someone you trust.

Until you have a chance to get your own copy of the Big Book, you can read it online here:

Big Book Online (http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm)

Please keep coming back and sharing with us ... and [color=red]CONGRATULATIONS!! on FOUR days of sobriety ...

[angussdundee]

Hello Yvonne, It's important to remind yourself that you have a disease. A disease that makes people do things they may feel terrible about later. But don't worry, so do all the other people at any AA meeting you care to attend... :D Most recovering alcoholics also felt ashamed about their past behaviour when they were drunk and incapable and I bet some of them will have done far worse than you have darlin... ::)
Our good friend Wolf always emphasises the importance of spornsor - big book - steps, and I second his views on the importance of firstly, sharing your life story with that trusted person. They will not judge or censure you as they too will probably have done far worse that you have.
You will then be on the road to becoming a stand up person who can look the world in the eye.

Keep coming back,

Anguss.

[CarolD]

;D Welcome and Hello!

Why not ask your best friend to go with you?
Or go to a Speakers Meeting?

BTW...we do not shoot our wounded.
:D

Blessings

[Yvonne]

Ok, you guys have me in tears at 8.16 am in the morning! :D

What lovely, kind and understanding words, thanks everyone.

Tink, I thought I had to rush and get a sponsor immediately so thanks for that. The meeting I went to this week was 99% older men and practically no women, so I need to go to meetings elsewhere where there are more women. I will take your advice and find someone I am really comfortable with before I ask for a sponsor. Unfortunately here in South Africa its not safe for women (or anyone for that matter) to go out alone at night so I have to be very careful which areas I go to. The crime here is really out of hand.

Its funny but I honestly thought I didn't drink enough to ever have withdrawal symptoms, but I'm definitely having them this week. Nothing too bad, just fuzzy head, bad memory (nothing new there), and dreadfully tired. But I am actually enjoying these symptoms because its just confirming my problem to me. Its almost as if I can feel the poison leaving my body - although it will obviously take a long time!

Been eating healthy this week, getting lots of sleep and next week I will start exercising.

Thanks everyone for your support. Have a great SOBER weekend. Its so inspirational to speak to people who know exactly what you are going through and who have come out the other end to lead happy "normal" lives.

Yvonne ;D

[CarolD]

:D I also used cyber meetings as a upplement
to my fface to face recovery.

AA On Line..Pal Talk were my favorites.

Hugs

[Carol87]

Yvonne ... you sound great! Glad you are finding your way. Good luck in finding safe meetings. Get phone numbers of other women if you can. That way you have someone to call if you have questions/concerns. No, you don't have to get a sponsor immediately but from my experience, I hope you will find someone to work with soon, even if it is on a temporary basis. I tried to do this program on my own for longer than I will admit ... for me, it was a very bad idea! Here are a couple of sites from AAWS that you might find helpdul. Look forward to hearing from you soon.

Information on AA (http://aa.org/en_information_aa.cfm)

A Newcomer Asks (http://aa.org/en_is_aa_for_you.cfm?PageID=14)

[Yvonne]

Hi Guys,

Tink your comment about the accent made me laugh - I AM SCOTTISH and have a Scottish accent! My children are South African though.

Yes the crime here is horrendous - going out at night is really taking a risk but I know the routes and don't stop at red robots unless I have to. The police advise us not to stop at robots in the dark. Crazy hey?

Carol87 and Tink - good ideas about women's groups at home and getting women's phone numbers.

I am trying another meeting tonight that I used to go to. A bit further away from home but I know there are lots of women at this one. This was actually the meeting I really felt at home with last time. The only problem I had was that one of the men kept hitting on me. I was told that he did it all the time when a new women arrived on the scene. This disappointed me a lot because I was being really naive and thinking everyone at AA was honest and caring. Obviously there are going to be some people there that are not on the same page.

So far I am still feeling great - I haven't had one craving which is really unusual for me. For years I have craved at about 4pm every day. I have been praying to my HP (in my case God) for months already to stop me drinking but I KNEW that He would only help me if I helped myself. So on the very first day I stopped drinking the craving went away. I was meant to go to AA. Scared to get too carried away though in case the craving comes back.

Thanks for the care, understanding and advice. You guys are phenomenal. Have a wonderful day.

Yvonne

[Yvonne]

Hi Tink,

I like the thought of a women's group at someone's home. I feel so optimistic right now that I hope I can maybe hold one of my own in the FAR future. I'm scared I'm getting carried away right now with how good I feel. I know its early days but its hard to stomp down on my enthusiasm. Its been years and years since I felt enthusiastic about anything. Sure you can all relate.

These forums are really helping me. You guys are about 6 hours behind me. I only have internet at work and when I get in to the office in the morning there are loads of emails waiiting for me - with replies to topics I am watching.

What a great and positive start to my day. I am so excited about AA and recovery but don't really have anyone to talk to about it. I try telling my sister but she's not really interested. Can't blame her, she is so happy for me but she doesn't have the disease so doesn't really "get it". I live alone with my 2 kids and don't have a better (or worse for that matter) half. I can't do relationships.

Thats why I really want a sponsor soon - even if only a temporary one.

Anguss (or Agness ;D) I look forward to feeling like a stand up person one day. I look in the mirror these last couple of mornings and damned if I don't look good. Skin is glowing, eyes are not puffy, half closed or bloodshot!! ;D

THANKS YOU GUYS ARE GREAT!!

Yvonne (A Scot in South Africa)

[david b]

hi yvonne
this was a big problem with me when i came at first , the meeting was a nightmare as all i could think of was what I would say, and when the speaker finnished i did not remember a word he or she said, it was panic stations right from word go, then some one told me that all I had to do was shake my head and they would move on. then i progessed after awhile to thanking everyone then glad to be here glad to be sober, that took a while for if honest a first i was not glad to be any of the two, but as they said bring the body the mind will follow on after , just keep on going to the meetings , go around a few if you can , some time in the neer future you will find a group you feel cumfitable with and then when yyou go to this meeting it will feel like comming home, my sponcer kept telling me (did I say it was easy)what he said aa offers you soberiety and peace of mind but the peace of mind might take a bit longer but it will be as I have found beyond my wildest dreams
stay with us and welcome
god bless
david b

[Yvonne]

then i progessed after awhile to thanking everyone then glad to be here glad to be sober, that took a while for if honest a first i was not glad to be any of the two, but as they said bring the body the mind will follow on after


David, what you said really struck a chord with me. This is exactly how I am feeling right now and was too scared to admit it to anyone. It makes me feel like a fraud - as if I am perhaps deluding myself and am not ready to be sober. Yet I know that I really really want to get better. I am probably over-thinking things as usual.

Thanks you for your honest message - very much appreciated right now!

Yvonne