Just want to tell my story

[kathyd]

I have been around AA since 1986 myself, my dad was introduced years ago. I went to treatment 4 times and the last time I went to a halfway house to start a new life. I had already given my children up and whatever else that was important. I did what everyone told me to do, I worked and lived the 12 steps and met a man who continues to have over 20 years of sobriety and we had a child together ourselves. Perfect life right? NO. Somewhere along the line he quit going to meetings, we were really involved on commitees, had a home group, went to conventions you name it we did it. He is a hard worker, a good father, doesnt hit me or cheat, which is what I was used to. After 15 years of sobriety I drank, I had trouble with pills and gambling. I have tried to get back into the program but I think why? I did what I was suppose to do, help others, read the big book, stay sober and I was miserable. Sometimes I think we have to be realistic in this real world of ours. Do I divorce him, ruin another family like I did before? I am 46, I am tired, I am just tired of trying. I am going to lose whichever way I go, and yes I do want to drink, I miss the excitement, I am bored out of my mind. I can go back and see the same old people talk about the same old thing, doing the same things they were doing 15 years ago. Does anyone know how I feel?

[kathyd]

I did work with a sponser, went through all the steps as suggested in the big book, prayed and felt a real connection with a higher power. Somewhere along the way it has changed. I cant really say when or why, I tried to focus on me and not my spouse. It is hard to live with someone who decides not to be involved any longer. I felt angry, that he lied to me in some way, I know I am responsible, I know all the things it is just so hard to begin to believe again. I feel almost more worthless and ashamed than I did in 1986. I read the 12 and 12, I know the inside and out of the big book, I could stand and give a lead today, tell someone else how to live the program, I have done it, I just can't seem to let go today.

[WolfM]

Dear Kathyd,

Abandoned children? I've done that. Ex-wives? At least 2. Being dry but not sober? The first 3 1/2 years. That all changed when I finally took step 3 and found myself with pen and paper doing step 4. It all changed when I completed my first 5th step (I have done more since then). Before this step I knew there was a God. But when I was done I KNEW God. I knew he was there and would always be there whether I acknowledged His presence or not.
At about year 17 by pink cloud turned to gray. Stinking thinking came in to my head. Not about drinking, but about other behaviors that I used to have. I struggled with guilt over my thoughts. I did what a freind in the program once told me. LEAN INTO THE PROGRAM. I did that. I talked to my sponsor. I shared at meetings. I did step work. I took a couple of service assignments.
It is now 18 months later, and I am getting my head on straight again. I did not drink. I did not do any of the things I was ready to do. And I am in a better place. I have grown in my sobriety. And it was all about me. My thoughts, my actions, my working the steps, my staying in touch with the fellowship. In the last 19 years, the longest stretch that I have not gone to meetings was 6 weeks when I was traveling by rail, all over Europe, with a wife and a 4 and 8 year old. But I had an international directory just in case. Even when I had bypass surgery last year in Manila, I was able to get in touch with the Fellowship there and some people came to my hospital room to visit. Just as God is always there whether I aknowledge Him or not, the Fellowship is always there, whether I choose to be a part of it or not.
And when someone goes back out and is fortunate enough to return to the rooms, I do not judge them, or berate them, or try to make them feel worse than they already feel. I welcome them back and ask if they would like to share their experience. To let me know which warning signs to watch for, before I pick up the first drink.
There are people who can not drink without the fellowship. I am not one of them. I will pray for you Kathy and hope that you find what you are looking for.
By the way, wife number 3 and I have been married over 21 years. I have been sober over 19. It has not been easy. In fact there have been times when we have actually discussed divorce, but that is when I get to work on what is wrong with Wolf and not what is wrong with her. I can only change me and the way I react to my wife's little foibles and character defects.
WolfM

[CarolD]

;D Hi Kathy....

From reading your story..I suggest you find a
deeper faith in God.
To do that..I would be finding a church home
as well as a new home group.

A fresh outlook on spirituality and AA
to recharge and grow.

Just my opinion...Blessings to you and your family

[samf]

Hey, Kathy! ;D

Wanted to say welcome!

I drank after almost ten years...wasn't in AA, but had spiritual way of life, at the time.

That only lasted a day for me...because of the way things happened...today I figure that had to be a HP deal.

And for the next three years, I was nuts...especially the first year. During that time, I was twelve-stepped into AA.

Since that time, much has happened in my life...a lot of good stuff, and a lot of what I consider to be tragedies. ( got married to someone I loved with all my heart...saw someone ( a relative) commit suicide...lost someone in an explosion...moved somewhere I really wanted to live...lost my baby sis...other family members...)

Where I live, now, there weren't a lot of AA meetings, so I went quite a while with just the program, and no meetings.

Treid to start a meeting up, a couple of times, but I'd go three to six months and just give up on it.

Then a meeting got started up, and that was great for me. It really helped to have other recovering people around me again. It's amazing how we can see ourselves and learn in someone else's story, to me...whatever is going on. And my head just loves to forget, on it's own. My head also likes to focus on problems, blame other people, take other people's inventory...I am very, very good at this. I am also by nature someone who leans more on the side of chaos...like I couldn't be comfortable without it...and who thought, wow...things are very boring! Someone once told me that was serenity. I don't know.

Boring is good today, where I am...I mean that slower, day to day kind of life...with no real chaos.

A few years ago, I was having a real hard time with people and realtionships and went to Al-Anon when I got uncomfortable enough. That actually helped me see stuff you'd think (there's my ego) I would know better about...like, "What's my part?"

I could deal with that. I just couldn't deal with all thier parts...somehow I got jammed up, there.

And I stopped going to meetings, but kept up the internet activity. (I got to a couple of message boards and have a couple of email meetings.)

Then my husband died suddenly.

The day I scattered his ashes, I walked back into a meeting. I've been there, ever since.

See, I was in so much pain, but I sure didn't want to drink or use again. It was like my whole life had just exploded. And this was one I didn't ask for...something I really didn't want.

Drinking would numb the pain, and gosh, I thought about it. But, by now, because of AA and things you guys taught me, and because there was something in me that reminded me...I always had a moment of clarity and a realization of where that one drink or pill would take me...and I didn't want to go there. And my husband used to always tell me that if anything happened to him, I knew what to do. He would remind me, over and over.

So I went back to meetings, and between that and all my program friends online and the help and hope of a Higher Power working in my life, I am walking through this new life I didn't want, and learning how live, a step at a time again.

I promised myself no major changes for a year, and kept that promise. Learned that from you guys, when I didn't know what to do, right after he died.

And I had no income suddenly, too. That is better, today.

I couldn't tell from your own story if you are just now trying to get kind of ok again...kind of sounded like it...but I also know that with me, anyway, any addiction I have like to scream at me or harp at me or trick me and is way stronger, when I first have been trying to recover. That's part of why I feel like I need all of you...I don't want to go there today. And I know that alcoholism is cunning, baffling and powerful...just like they said...it really is. And for me, one thing leads to the next thing and the next thing.

Anyway...I know that this isn't exactly your own story, but wanted to share what I did have to say, the best I know how.

I am happy to "meet" you...hope you keep coming around, if you want to, and am hoping you will.

Sending a hug!

Sam

[kathyd]

I did work through all twelve steps and kept a journal of my sobriety did the maintenance steps, my sister died when I had 10 years of sobriety, a direct result of drugs and alcohol. I kept going to meetings, I kept feeling the gratitude that I wasn't the one who died, but overwhelmingly feel extreme guilt that I lived and she didn't. She was the only one I know, even people in AA who knew exactly how I felt inside. I know I can relate to some, there are people who lived some of my story, however, noone can know unless they actually were there themselves. I continue to feel a deep seated pain and a tremendous loss over her. I am not in self pity, I learned early in life you don't show your weakness, I tried to deal with it with god, with AA, even therapy for a while. I have lost a baby, a mother, a mother n law and nothing compares I can tell you. It's been seven years and in my soul it feels like today, I remember everything that happened the day I was called. I greive endlessly. I just want to talk to her again and let her know how much I loved her. I don't know it is so much easier to say what I feel on here. I really don't want the life I had and I don't want the life I have today. But it is soooo hard to go back and try to find the faith and hope of a newcomer when you have been where I have been. It tells us that in all kinds of readings. Just very lonely and tired. Thanks

[angussdundee]

Sometimes it feels as if we're just stuck in the glue that's life. No matter how long we've been sober sometimes we forget that life is full of highs and lows and we don't just have to be recovering alcoholics to experience the ups as well as the downs. Most peoples lives are just like that at some stage or another. Often we go through periods where part of our discontent is directly linked to our recovery (or lack of it). Sometimes it's not always fun to be attending what seems like continuous streams of meetings, step work with a sponsor, group service etc.
We alcoholics like things to be just so and we usualy like it right now!
We can't cry over spilt milk (or booze) and we ought not worry about how we're going to get through this year when we feel like we do to-day, but that's just it. It's not about next year or next month or next week, it's about making it through to-day. If we can get through this day without picking up a drink then it's mission accomplished. That's all we need, just to get a little better one day at a time and we need to use ALL of the tools to do that. At this moment in time it may feel like an impossible dream, but it will get better, if you work at it. Our own recovery proves that!

God, help us all,
anguss.

[samf]

Hi, Kathy!

I can understand for me, anyway, missing someone who knows me, inside and out.

And it's wierd to wake up and know they aren't under the same sky with me. It breaks my heart. It hurts!

They (whoever they is) say we all find our way. But I know sometimes I feel really lost, too. And really tired, too.

I did that, with the balloons. Now I do it every once in a while, when I need to.

I can't tell sometimes if I am into self-pity or just grieving. It sounds like you can kind of tell. I just don't know.

I keep short pillar candles...talk to my husband (and others), through the day. I light a candle for him, almost every morning.

I carry him in my heart and hope and pray I will get to see him again and that there is something beyond just here...and hope he is alive and happy. But I sure don't know for sure, and that drives me nuts, sometimes. It can make me really miserable, if I stay there.

I still feel guilty sometimes that I am here and he isn't. I thought he was a way better person than I am (still do) and if either of us deserved to be alive and exist, it was him. And any move forward, or away felt like I was killing him off, in a way. And I felt really guilty. It was like, too, if I could stay put, then I wouldn't lose him.

Sometimes I go and hug his clothes in the closet. I feel better, after I can cry. I wouldn't have thought so. I thought I would die if I started crying.

When I went back to meetings, even though I knew some of the people, I didn't want to talk much. And they would invite me to go eat, after, but I didn't want to go.

My mental health person would suggest I didn't isolate. The best I could seem to do was get to a meeting.

I felt like someone had beaten me up inside. I felt so raw, and wished there was some kind of protective bubble I could wear...like please don't say anything or I will fall apart. I could understand why maybe people wore black...maybe just please be gentle...you know? I'm dying, here.

So kept plodding one day through the next. Started a gratitude list, and would list five things I was grateful for. Would get on my knees and ask God as I didn't understand Him (and I was angry at Him and scared, too) to keep me sober for just today, and would hit my knees and thank Him at night.

Every time someone suggested something, I tried most things. I was real scared of drinking again.

Even tried to sponsor someone...was NOT a good idea, but it did help, at the same time.

All I have to do is this one twenty four hours, like Anguss said. All I have is this twenty four hours.

And I love that I can start my day over any time I want to. I hold on to that.

And I don't know what the future holds. My head likes to sometimes project it out, for me, but my head isn't always accurate, and sure doesn't know anything.

I get tired, too, and just want to fall apart sometimes.

Sometimes I do.

And they kept telling me that hurting over a loss wasn't weakness...that it was really strength. That if I didn't go ahead and hurt, it would come out some other way.

I don't know if they are right. Until this death I was always able to stuff, pretty well. This one just undid me, it felt like.

Being tired...they told me that grief makes you tired, too. I didn't know.

And I will shut up. Hope if you feel comfortable and you need to, you will keep talking, whenever you need to, if it helps. I know sometimes my own talking doesn't help me, and sometimes it does. I guess I pick where.

Thinking of you, this morning.

Sam

[kathyd]

Thank you so much for sharing so much of how I felt. There is a god, I know that, I would not be here today. I am not drinking today and havn't for a while. It is just hard to walk back in one more time. Anyway, there have been many miracles in my life, there have been people placed in my path and it wasn't by coincidence, I know, deep inside God is there and continues to be. I have had many experiences with things since my sister died that are not explainable. I don't even try to analyze it and that is something I do very well.

I used to think that I wanted to work with people like me as a career and I no longer feel that way. Obviously I would have to maintain continuous sobriety and be clean, walk the walk not just talk the talk and have some sanity in my life. I really feel empathy for other people very deeply. I am not the cold hard person I was before I accepted and lived the AA way of life and do not believe I could ever be that person again. Even if I died drinking. They say a head full of AA and a belly full of booze do not mix and you can never drink like you did before. AA certainly does mess that up. Thank goodness. I am on the fence, I know, I have always been that dual person. I want to be good but I want to be bad.

I think the hardest thing in my sobriety now and before is marrying someone who was active in the program and no longer is, not drinking obviously but may be better off if he did. We were blessed with what I called my AA baby. God gave me back everything and more of what I lost when I got sober. I have a debt of gratitude for all the people who have help me through the years. I am by no means angry at AA. I am angry at myself for allowing myself to get into this situation. If I don't leave him I will surely drink again. I know that. If I leave him I will distroy my daughter and her sense of security, however, I may destroy it if I continue on this path. I am struggling deep inside and need the prayers that something gets miserable and painful enough to hit that bottom whatever it may be.

I am scared we have been together 15 years, he is the bread winner in our family, I work but not enough to pay the bills. My insurance is with his company. I know these are material like things, however, at 46 it will not be easy. I know, it's simple but not easy. Just all say a prayer that I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I'm rambling like I always do. I appreciate all the messages and hope you will continue to help me on this journey.

[kremjk]

. I am struggling deep inside and need the prayers that something gets miserable and painful enough to hit that bottom whatever it may be...

....Just all say a prayer that I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

This is a brave prayer, to ask for sufficient pain. I have had to pray like that for my recovery. I have had to give God permission to lead me through what ever I need to bring about surrender. I have seen no other way... this is life or death.
The good news is that there is light at the end of the tunnel. God is good. Relationships are survivable. Divorce is survivable. So is marriage. And so is grief.
My mother, my sister, and then my brother have past in the last few years. Cancer took Mom and Marvin. Alcoholism and fear took Marlys.
I much appreciate all of the shares in this thread. Thank you all.
You are in my prayers and I ask for yours.

jim k

[samf]

Hi, Kathy. Just wanted to say hello, and to let you know I prayed and will pray!

Jim, I agree. Everything is survivable. And what a miracle to be enabled to go through things, sober.

Kathy, I used to want to work with others as a career, too, but also don't, anymore.

And feelings...some of my AA friends used to tell me that we feel so deeply. Seems like it, to me, sometimes. (For example, I was a better jerk, numb, if I could get there...could let go of things drunk, at the moment, better than sober....felt like I could not care so much.)

So cool you can see things happening like "God things". I started to see some of them, after about six months aor so after I lost my husband...and thought...wow...well, maybe.

And could definitely relate to being analytical. Heck, for me, the truth is that sometimes being from my head is easier than being with my whole person, too.

Intellectualizing always felt so much safer for me.

Fear is one of my biggest drivers, and I still get scared about the future, too...that didin't go away all the time. It's better, I guess...used to would have just gotten drunk to not worry.

Think it is good to feel feelings today...so many things I numbed out, when I could, and never dealt with, at the time.

Want to be good but want to be bad...can identify. I don't think I can even be good without the help of an HP...more His sucess than mine, for sure. And am very good at resentments, fantasizing about "getting even"...feeling helpless, victimizing myself.

Am so grateful for a HP who seems to love me, warts and all.

That's the way my husband loved me, too.

You are in my prayers. All we have to do right now is today.

Jim, hi. That sure IS a brave prayer!!

This thread and the sharing, for me, has also been a gift.

You are also in my prayers, Jim, and thank you for praying, too.

Kathy, am glad I am getting to know you, and sending out hugs and good thoughts.

Sam

[kathyd]

Just got in from work today, I work in the school w/special ed, a rewarding job. I have been in this field forever it seems. Everytime I try to get out of it I am put back in there. Coincedent, I think not. I find that my empathy and understanding goes beyond alcoholics, I have a gift for working with ones that others cannot understand. Imagine that. However, I work in a small town where everyone knows everyone, moved here a couple of years ago so I am not in the know everyone cliche. My termial uniqueness rears its ugly head alot, that isolation not feeling a part of and not being good enough seems to expand when I am at work. Talking to all of you has helped me say what I most likely wouldn't in a meeting. I would however say it to a sponser. I honestly believe there are some things better left unshared at meetings. Anyway, I know its a god thing that I found this site. I check it all the time. I cannot wait to hear everyones ESH. My daughter is going into a halfway house today, yes it is a family tradition. I have helped her get into treatment, her other option was spending jail time. Not much of a choice. But hey, lots of us get here with the nudge from the judge. Doesn't matter how just that you are. She has also struggled and continues to do so, so pray for her too. My oldest daughter is in the trying to control her drinking. My mother was a career alcoholic, but was sober 3 years before she died of cancer, We were both sober when she died. What a gift. Getting ready to go on spring break to the smokies, I love it there and it is certainly gods country. So beautiful and serene. I am looking forward to some meditation and reflection. I continue to take my anxiety medicine. I have to be honest. I need to wein myself off slowly, I know, been there done that. Just the last thing I am holding onto. Reality is hard sometimes. I just want everyone to know where I am at. I cannot walk into a meeting and feel like I belong unless I am totally clean. So anyway, thank you all . Kathy

[samf]

Hi, Kathy!

Will pray for your daughter, for sure! It is great that she is getting help! And, no. To me, it doesn't matter how, for sure.

I bet you are good with special ed kids...think that is awesome!

LOL..isolation and terminal uniqueness. I was pretty isolated again, when I started back to meetings, for sure! Well, I told you, huh?

And the getting to know people, for me, is very slow, most of the time. I take a risk and see what happens.

So far, nothing bad happens. But I sure had more fear that I was aware of.

(Chicken little, huh?)

I live in a small town, too.

Yes, and can understand sharing things with a sponsor as opposed to a whole group.

I take antidepressants. I have friends and relatives who take antianxiety meds.

Every time, so far, that I've tried to not take the antidepressants, it hasn't worked for me. That's my story, so far.

I dislike strongly (nice word for hate) taking meds, and still struggle with what to do...accept for today, etc. I just do it a day at a a time so far.

(It has been a long so far.)

My dad was an alcoholic. He died drinking. I didn't see him, the last eight years he drank. I didn't know he had died, either, for a while.

I got his death certificate, a few years back. He'd died from an accidental overdose of secobarbital and alcohol. I cried my eyes out, that day. Long story.

Have a child in the program...am so grateful. Other one doesn't seem to have the illness.

The smokies sound like a beautiful place to go!

Reality IS hard sometimes. I also remember how crazy I felt, after I'd drank. That made reality harder for me, I guess. I laughed so hard when I heard the S.O.B.E.R. acronym...I needed that.

Hope your today is awesome.

Sending a hug!

Sam

[kathyd]

I can relate to reading the autopsy, I just had to get my sisters. The initial cause was pneumonia, however, I just knew in my heart it wasn't the real cause. The final ruling was accidental polysubstance secondary was pneumonia. It hurt to read it but it made it real for me. My dad died of cancer, however, he was an alcoholic as well. He drank everyday after he was operated on, I had not seen him in about 14 years and went to live with him when I was 16. A few years later he found out he had cancer. I do value the time I got with him sober or not. My sister and I took care of him the best we could at the time. I hope it made his pain a little more bearable. So much we have in common. Alcoholism it seems is a family tradition. My half sister is the only one who hasnt really experienced it and she wants to be I think, so she can feel a part of the rest of us. That is ironic huh? Anyway thanks for sharing.

[blossom]

Hi Kathy,

Thankyou so much for sharing your story and for everyone else who has shared on the thread. I have just sat and read through it and i am so touched by everyones honesty. I am only coming up to 4yrs sobriety and i don't have the experience of loosing someone that close to me in sobriety, but i know that that pain will touch me at some point, it is i guess unavoidable and i know i will remember everyones ESH that has been shared here, it is very humbling.

I have a partner who is in recovery too and around 18 months ago he stopped working the AA program completely, he did carry on going to 1 meeting a week and would come back home so angry after that meeting and would slam everything about AA down. I became really angry at him, because i felt that somehow he had deceived me, because when we first got together he was very active and enthusiastic member of AA, which i know was part of what i found attractive. There were many times in that period that i thought about leaving and towards the end, we seriously talked about seperating. We too have a little daughter together and part of what kept me there was my little girl. I have already got 2 older girls that live with their dad and like you shared i could not imagine tearing apart another world. But up until today we are together, i very much take our relationship one day at a time, i have learnt so much over the past 18 months about acceptance and dettaching with love. And what i started to do, which was suggested to me by my sponsor and which i am really grateful for, was every morning when i get up i ask myself honestly if i can accept my partner exactly as he is today, even if that isn't what i want it to be or think it should be and when i break it down day to day, i can do that, just like my drinking and what i have found over this time is that i stopped having an expectation of him that he didn't fit.

I have learnt as well about independant sobriety within a recovery relationship, which i thank God for daily, I know today that my sobriety is about me and God and is not contingent on my partners recovery. Things between me and my partner are getting better and i think because of this experience we have found our love is becoming on deeper a level of understanding and acceptance of each other. Which is something i have never experienced before and even through what has been a painful time i have still learnt so much from my partner, i have seen him just keep going, even drag himself to meetings when every ounce of his being is screaming to go the other way, when his belief was at nothing, and he struggled to just sit in a chair every week without walking out before the meeting finished - that AA still works. He did not pick up a drink. Which gives me hope and there is a message, a strong one i think of how true the saying is "just keep coming back" .

But thankyou everyone again for sharing, it has helped me so much - You are all in my prayers.

Love
Blossom x

[sandra_07]

kathy, just think this way: can you risk losing a beautiful family for another journey with alcohol? I bet you can't.

______________________________
sandra_07
EDIT: Link removed by admin