i failed

[albertawind]

Let's just say I screwed up.

Totally screwed up. 100%. My life was going so well... my sober life that is.

Then I drank. Again. And again.

Now where am I?

I am a mess. I come back here crying like a stupid baby... a weak shriveled up piece of work. I am what I am.

4 months of sobriety gone like the wind. My life a bloody mess again. My job on the line. Everything on the edge of oblivion.

What to do with somebody who can't continue with meetings and smoking and drugs and ****? What to do?

I feel like nothing. I feel like ****.

I feel nothing.

Not suicidal, because I am not that kind of guy. I feel like a ****ing moron. A fool. An idiot.

I am what I am.

I tried to do it... I went to meetings... drank the coffee... did it all. Convinced myself it was possible. I was normal again. I was OK. I was a good human being.

I don't know what went wrong, but I don't want your sympathy. Too late for that... I'm not a kid and I'm not an idiot.

I should know better. I do know better! I know this is Hell on Earth. But....

But what?

But I hurt. For some strange reason I hurt a lot. More than most people.

Is that possible?

Do I hurt more than most because I am?

[angussdundee]

I'm glad your not looking for sympathy albertawind, because sympathy won't keep you sober. And neither will just sitting around the meetings drinking the coffee and looking like a nodding dog. You say you "did it all". Is that really true? Did you really want what we have and were you really prepared to go to any length to get it? Did you find yourself a sponsor and not just a soft mark? Did you set about that thorough housecleaning that is necessary for the successful consummation of this thing that we call recovery? Did you really "do it all"? I think not.
The fact that you have slipped however does not change the truth. There is no other way to get well. So get back to step one with a real sponsor - you'll know him when you need him. Come on, pick yourself up and get back on board with us, our hands are outstretched to you.

God help us all,

Anguss.

[kremjk]

Graeme,

I appreciate your honesty about drinking again. As you know, many of us, maybe most of us, have gone through this. Many return to AA and start again with some lessons learned. Many die from alcoholism. Join AA again.

The pages listed here from Bill's writings are encouraging and helpful. Check em out.
As Bill Sees It pgs. 11, 52, 68, 99, 154, 184, 197, 213, 214, 251, 291,

Graeme wrote on Oct 11, 2006

The beauty of AA is that if you do screw up and go on a bender they will always welcome you back, no questions asked. That's not a license to go out and get drunk once every 6 months or whatever. You can't take that first drink... ever. I would feel terrible if I lost the 15 days I already have; I can't imagine how someone would feel losing months or years of sobriety. How depressing is that?

Once again this forum has opened my eyes. I'm impressed that some people are successful on their first try. I'm not one of those lucky ones. But I'm not drinking today, and I think that's the start of a great new day.

Gratefully, Graeme


Keep with us. Peace, jim k

[fishdocdon]

Graeme, how in the hell can you possibly think at 4 mo. sober , that you'd done it all. That's just crap thinking. GET REAL and cut yourself some slack.

How many steps had you done ---with a sponsor. Did you get the Big Book? Did you Read it? Did you get a sponsor?

Around AA there is a dance--- the AA waltz----1,2,3---out, 1.2.3.---out --etc.
Glad you're not sniveling too much -- maybe now you are more ready to learn THE WAY -not your way.

When we get to AA our mind is screwed up (our thinking). Like a computer ,it has to be reprogramed with files that are foreign to us. We get those files through AA and the people who have come before us. Sorry but it takes time and 4 mo. is nothing.

Get back and going again---you will have learned more about yourself. Get doing the things that you are suggested to do ( for me --ordered to do for my own good. I don't do suggestions!!!!!!)

You're in my prayers. GBWU Don

[samf]

Graeme,

When you are ready...I hope that is soon for you, pick yourself up and start over again. The readings suggested are good...I imagine they include the ones on slips.

We all do know what it is like to hurt, Graeme.

If you decide you want to stop, and you find you can't do it alone, please call some AA people and ask for help.

This is the beginning of a whole new day.

Hope you will choose life.

Real proud of you for reaching out.

Praying you will find the strength to get back up again.

The best prayer I ever pray is God help me. When I don't know what to do, it seems like a Higher Power does.

Sam

[fishdocdon]

By the way, I was not normal before i got here nor do I expect to get normal. I am an alcoholic. I am allergic to alcohol (just like some to penicillin, poison oak, peanut butter stc.). It NEVER goes away, period!!!!!!

I am given a DAILY REPRIEVE, contingent on my spiritual balance. I thank God for this simple program to be worked 1 day at a time.

GBWU Don

[sioux]

The only question remains is are you thoroughly convinced of your alcoholism/addiction?

[WolfM]

Dear Graeme,

I have no illusions about ever going back to drinking. I too am not "like that" (suicidal) and if I was to pick up it would be a death wish. Who says suicide has to be quick and painless? "The idea that somehow, someday, he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of ABNORMAL drinker." (Chap 3 in the BB). I am an abnormal drinker. I can never become normal. It is like the cucumber. Once it is pickled, it is a pickle and it is no longer a cucumber, nor can it ever be a cucumber again.
It took me (and I do not suggest this to anyone unless you have a very high threshold for emotional pain) 3 1/2 before I took step 3 and did step 4. I did not drink, but I was not sober. 4 months may seem like a long time, but in relation to eternity, it is nothing. Get back to meetings. Be honest with yourself and decide if you really have a problem with alcohol AND if you really want to do something about it. There is a solution.
WolfM

[blossom]

Hi Graeme,

So pleased to see you post again.

When i was 3 months sober, i picked up a drink again and with the grace of hindsight i know today that it was a very neccessary part of my journey in recovery. It is not something i would freely suggest for others to do, but for me it was exactly right. But at the time i felt a failure, i felt confused, stupid, embarrassed and that perhaps this AA thing just wasn't going to work for me. I had turned up at meetings and drank the coffee, got the hope, felt better, nodded my head, hung around after the meetings to chat, helped clear up and recognized nearly everything that the people in the rooms talked about. So WHY had i drank again???? Gatefully i made it back to a meeting and shared with a few people before the meeting that i had drank again, i expected to be told off but i wasn't, i was given understanding and love, but one thing that a lady did say to me that kick started my recovery into honesty was "well thats ok Jane, but what are you going to do different this time, because what you did before didn't work". And God how true were those words, when i sat down and started to be really, really honest with myself, i hadn't really done anything other than turn up. I didn't share at meetings, i didn't have a sponsor, i didn't look or practice any of the steps, i didn't put my sobriety first, i wasn't truly willing to go to any lengths, i didn't do service, but probably more importantly for me i wasn't honest.

My relapse for me was about all the things i didn't do and recovery has been about all the things i do do, without exception. That for me was a hard but great lesson to learn and i am grateful that with others experiences, strength and hope i was able to learn it. I cannot stay sober off other peoples actions and honesty, it has to be my own. So slowly, but surely i started to pick up the tools, getting a sponsor, sharing in meetings (if only to say my name and that i was grateful to be in a meeting), i started service and i started doing the steps. But i think what really shifted as well was something inside, i suddenly started to realize how important my sobriety had to be in my life, that it had to come before anything else, because without it i truly did not have the other things anyway. I stopped trying live my old life (just not drinking) and i let go of friends that were really just drinking buddies. I became honest with my immediate family about what i was doing and stopped hiding the fact that i was going to AA. And started living a sober life, not just pretending to.

By doing all those things sobriety didn't suddenly become a breeze and easy, but it became something that naturally unfolded before me with every action that i put into it. And was no longer something i controlled but let go of, and paradoxically the less i tried to hold on, the less it seemed to slip away and the stronger it got.

I truly hope you keep coming back, drinking again is not failure and can be from my own experience an amazing gift of discovery to aid me on my journey. I've always enjoyed reading your posts and have got alot from them which have helped me stay sober.

God Bless
Love Blossom