Don't forget the bad old days

[angussdundee]

Don't forget the bad old days, in fact, don't even try. We have a great ability to block out or conveniently forget bad memories. I often wonder if my alcoholic blackouts were not in some way related to this ability to forget the frightening details of the night before.
I recently spoke with my sponsor about this subject and he put great emphasis on trying to recall all the horrific details as a way of reminding ourselves what it was actually like - "lest we forget the bad old days". In fact we started to list in a jovial yet serious way, techniques for recalling the past if ever we got to thinking "was it really all that bad". They included; capturing the details in words by writing down the images that are still vivid enough to remember. Better still, are there any photographs of us looking like 'shilata' but trying to act 'cool'.
Even better would be video tape of us ruining the barbecue or party by being obnoxious - walking around with a joint and a Budd with your ass on fire - Aaarrrgghhhhhh - wouldn't that be a great one. Or how about one of the car totally wrecked with the kids lined up waiting to get to school. Perhaps the new couch covered in vomit would be a typical shot for the album. Then, 'Le pi-est resistance' ( my French is not good) the picture of the wife with a black eye trying to convince her mother she walked into another door.
If you feel this is a bit extreme then that's because it is! Those gory and graphic details might just save your life if you ever get nostalgic about "the good old days".

God help us all,

Anguss.

[MIKEYBEEF]

Angusdunde.I agree.I truly keep in mind,what a screw up i was so I wont take my sobriety for granted.Its like I have been born again or something.I wake up and sometimes I have a flash thinking mabye im hungover again,,and lo and beehold im not!!!! What a remarkable feeling it is to finally feel that I have a new sence of self,and any new mistakes that I make in life are now not alcohol related. :)

[kremjk]

When we see a man sinking into the mire that is alcoholism, we give him first aid and place what we have at his disposal. For his sake, we do recount and almost relive the horrors of our past. But those of us who have tried to shoulder the entire burden and trouble of others find we are soon overcome by them. So we think cheerfulness and laughter make for usefulness.

The first time I heard my story at an AA meeting it was in the context of a member opening up his past in relation to the topic of the meeting. Later at the meeting after the meeting we were able to go into even deeper detail about our lives. And along with horror stories was genuine belly laughter as freedom from the secrets burst forth.

I have learned that the meeting is a place to be more discrete (general) and likewise in forums such as this.
One on one, I can, and do tell the whole truth, when my instincts and intuition tell me that it is time for such a disclosure.

The feeling of shame is no longer a problem for me. When shame occurs within me, I see it as a part of the disease and evidence that there is more surrender (step work) needed.

The dark past is not baggage for me. It is the most valuable asset I own.

jim k

[MattV]

I have to remember it all.

I sometimes hear people say that they'd never had any fun drinking. I find that hard to believe. If drinking hadn't been fun, then I wouldn't have done it. I did have fun drinking - a lot of it.

Then I remember how the drinking continued long after the fun had gone. I have to remember the progression from good times to nightmare times. If I don't, it wouldn't be long before my brain stuffed the nightmares into a convenient closet so it's have more time to replay the fun - and want to go try to find it again.

I'd be lying if I said I'd never had any fun drinking. And what's wrong with holding on to good memories of the time before I succumbed to this disease? They're part of what makes me me. I know that they're far in the past, and can never be repeated, but some of those memories are part of the path I followed into the abyss of alcoholism in the first place. I see that kind of behavior being exhibited by a young family member right now. He doesn't yet know he's in trouble - I do. Sometimes remembering how we came to be alcoholic is as important as what we do to recover. After all, isn't remembering and sharing our experiences, good as well as bad, with the next alcoholic what this program is largely about?

[angussdundee]

It's quite possible at times for me to think that because I have completed steps four and five that I am now somehow immune to relapse. After all I was honest and thorough and I witheld nothing. The truth as far as I am concerned is that these steps are enabling steps. They enable me to stay sober but they do not compell me to stay sober. If I want to drink I will drink. However I stand much less chance of relapsing if I can keep vivid memories as reminders of what active alcoholism really looks like.

Anguss.