Christmas Worries

[blossom]

I finally did my christmas shopping last week. Up until then i had not bought any presents, put my tree up or sent any cards. And i was sat last week thinking why i was not into christmas this year, normally i am like a child and get so excited and love trying to make it magical for my children. Yet this year, until last week, i didn't even want to acknowledge that it was christmas.

Then i realized that my ambition and pocket book are being affected this year. Money is quite tight and i had managed to save up a certain amount on presents, But i decided that this isn't enough, because i won't be able to get the gifts i want to get and still put so much onus on that if i buy a great gift, then people will love me and my pride tells me that if i buy less this year people will think less of me. And i'm still holding onto that a little bit, even though i know its rubbish. How long i spent thinking that the type of house, car, job or how much money i had in the bank or how expensive a gift is, was a measure of the person i am. I know that the person i am is inside me and how i act daily with my family is my measure. But that false pride still lurks around telling me that people will think i'm no good if i don't have or buy this, that or the other.

So anyway i handed all this to God and have been daily working on this defect (along with all my others) and in doing that i have been able to get someting for everyone this christmas and i'm having to keep letting go, over and over again. Whats even sillier is i never put that onus on other people, i don't judge someone by their materialism, i love them for the person they are regardless (though i used to judge people in this way), it's funny that i haven't learnt to do that for myself.

I am so grateful though that today i can sit down calmly and work out whats going on inside me and then take the steps i need to change it. Before i had AA in my life i was a complete mess (not just with drinking), but just clueless trying to live in a clued up world. Had i not got this program, i would probably of either not bought any presents and would have been self pitious and angry, because it would of been everybody else fault for having such high expectations of me, or i would of got into debt and bought stuff i couldn'y afford and still got angry and self pitious with every one. Today i don't have to do that, i have a choice...Thank God!

So today i will live in the day and be grateful for all my blessings (which are bountiful)!

Merry Christmas everyone
Love
Blossom

[oriolesmagic23]

I, too have that same issue of putting way more expectation on myself than on anyone else. I know it's really not a healthy thing to do, especially because I am never able to meet my own expectations. I also find myself wanting to give and give, way beyond my means, thinking that people will love me more and then I'll be that much closer to meeting my own expectations of myself...along with feeding my selfish pride. I am having the toughest time dealing with my own expectations of myself, but now, since coming to AA I feel that I'm headed in the right direction to becoming a better person all around. That's the best Christmas gift ANYONE could get!!

Blossom, thanks for sharing your feelings!

~Oriolesmagic23

[Carol87]

I also had a lot of trouble getting into the spirit of Christmas this year.? ?Rather than buying individual gifts this year for my grand nephews and nieces, I elected to start a new tradition for me ... I purchased 'Alternative Gifts' through a program at my church ... e.g. food for our food pantry, care for an abandoned street child, supplies/medication for clinics in Tanzania, food for an aids orphan.? ?I then sent the acknowledgment card along with my personal note and card to the families.? ?That brought me so much peace and serenity and for me, represents the true spirit of the Christmas Season.? That peace and serenity has been a long time coming and I'm so grateful that God has given me that gift this year.