sickness

[dorothy79]

i am having a difficult time admitting that i am an alcoholic, even tho i had about 10yrs sober previously in my life. i stopped going to meetings and was okay until i got sick, at which time my illness took over and i had no control of my behavior so my life was "sex, drugs, and rock and roll" (and alcohol) piercings and tattoos, too. i had an OUT! i wasn't an alcoholic, it was the chemical imbalance inside my brain that was causing all of this. now i've been stable medically almost 2yrs and i'm still drinking heavily everyday and when i try to stop i just can't somehow. ***i don't WANT to be an alcoholic*** >:( this is where i choke-up and shut down. and Yes, i know that alcoholism is a disease...doesn't help much.

oh, thursday i'm going out of town, to the next state, and am going to try to connect with aa, a mtg hopefully. but i'd take an actual face-to-face with another alcoholic if i can get it. i'll let you know.

[angussdundee]

Hello Dorothy, I may or may not be able to help you but in replying to your post I will be helping myself, so here goes.
We all have different pain thresholds or bottom's and it was only when I hit mine that I was responsive enough to cry out for help. some of us go on until we lose our jobs, our vehicles, our homes, our families. Some of us hold on until we land in jail or until our vital organs deteriorate so badly that we land in hospital and some go that step further into death itself. The question you need to be asking yourself right now is, 'how far down do I want to go'. And are you willing to risk not coming back up at all? Your share is littered with some of the crutches that your using to help you to face your life, to alter your moods and to forget what a mess your life has become. I know this because your just - like - me! The only thing that turned me round was when I became willing enough to let the light of AA flood into my darkened world and light it up with the truth of my existence as it really was and not as I imagined it to be. It's not enough just to stop drinking. we need to learn the skills for dealing with the world we live in. Go to AA dear, give in and listen to the truth about youself, pray for the courage to face it and let the light flood in to your sole. It works, it really does!

God help you and God help us all.

anguss

[WolfM]

Dear Dorothy,

I did not want to be a diabetic. But I am. My Dr. told me to eat right, excercise, and take my medicine to avoid kidney problems and heart disease. I did that. And still, my arteries got clogged. I did not want to have a bypass operation. But I had one. And now I excercise even more, eat even better, and hope that I can maintain my health. I also take my medication. But much of my disease is genetic, passed down from parent to child.

I did not want to be an alcoholic, but I am. And the suggestions, the "MEDICINE" for this particular disease, was to go to meetings, study the Big Book, get a sponsor, and work the steps. The program is that simple. AA gave me my second chance at life. The bypass gave me a third. I am truly blessed. But all of that has come from working the program to the best of my abilities and not letting life get me down. There are good days, and bad days, but the goodness or badness is based on the choices that I make when I get up in the morning, and pray or don't pray. Meditate or don't meditate. Feel grateful or CHOOSE not to feel grateful.
You mentioned that you stopped going to meetings. That is what everyone who I have ever talked to who comes back to the halls has said. I stopped going to meetings. Up to last night, in the many years that I have been sober, I have not stopped going to meetings. Why would I want to do that? The people I met in here early on gave me a few suggestions (which I noted above). If something is working for me, why would I stop using it? I don't know. But as Angus says, we are all different. When you are ready to stop digging, you will hit bottom. To surrender does not mean that you lose. It just means you have stopped fighting.

[blossom]

Hi Dorothy

What jumped out at me in your post was "***i don't WANT to be an alcoholic***" . I identify with that, i spent a long time drinking not wanting to be an alcoholic!
That for me came down to step 1 and the serentity prayer, in the end i had to look at what i couldn't change....that was that I AM an alcoholic...no amount of drinking or running was gointo change that fact...so i had to accept it and pray to accept it with serenity and not self pity & anger. Then i needed to look at what i could change...that was whether i was an active alcoholic or a recovering alcoholic, that is my only choice in alcoholism...and it does take courage to change myself and be a recovering alcoholic.

Acceptance is the key for me today, for everything not just my alcoholism - i cannot change anything until i first accept it as it is! Being an alcoholic for me today is no longer a curse or burden that i carry around - being an alcoholic has given me a way of life that i would never have discovered had i not gone through the pain of drinking and i always have to remeber that alcohol was but a symptom of my illness and my illness is ME not anyone else or thing...i chose alcohol to be my solution to me for a long time, but it was the wrong solution, today i have a solution in the steps of our program and if i work that solution, i have no desire to drink.

I heard something at a meeting the other week, that really helped me put this disease into perspective - where a member of our fellowship was taking her friend to go and have chemotherapy for cancer - and as she said "they both have life threatening illnesses, but her friend can go through all the treatment and suggestions and there are no gaurantees that she will survive - where as all we have to do is not pick up a drink and we WILL NOT die from alcoholism!" How lucky are we to have that gaurantee, others are not so lucky in the illnesses they suffer.

God Bless
Blossom

[samf]

Hi, Dorothy!

I didn't WANT to be an alcoholic, either. But I am one. It is a fact that I have the illness of alcoholism. When I drink, I can't stop, I can't control the amount I drink, and so on. When I'm NOT drinking, my keen intellectual mind kept thinking about a drink.

The loophole in that statement may be, ah, but sometimes I CAN control the number of drinks. Sometimes I CAN stop (not my experience, but, hey.).

Normal drinkers...something supposedly like ninety percent of the population...they don't think about a drink like we do. And they can consistently drink one or two and stop...and they don't even think about it. It's not an issue to them.

To me, and this is certainly just my opinion...my body just does NOT process alcohol like a normal drinker's. There is no shame in that.

It's like...you said you have a chemical imbalance in your brain? I do, too. I take medication for it. I have had to, this time around, for the last fifteen years. Do I like it? HECK no. But there it is, anyway.

And I know you probably know that there is NO shame in having a chemical imbalance in your brain, either. It's the way our body is.

The recovery program for mental illnesses and alcoholism or drug addiction say that you really need to stop your substance abusing...alcohol or drugs...in order to even get a proper diagnosis.

And there are warnings all over my medicine bottles telling me not to mix booze (or drugs) with this stuff.

I don't mix it.

I figure that's a God of My Understanding deal...and I'm just grateful.

And all I gotta do is just take one drink, and I can buy back all that misery.

Dorothy, the last time I drank, it didn't take away the feelings. I didn't even have any five minutes of euphoria like we hear about sometimes, in meetings.

Anyway, I really understand about not wanting to be an alcoholic, for me.

I just are one.

Love,

Sam