praying
11-01-2010, 11:57 AM
Hey Guys!!!
For all that care to read this, I am going to lay out my road of addiction. Maybe this web tread is more for myself; still trying to "figure things out". To start, I guess I had a genetic predisposition to becoming and alcoholic. My father died at around 50 years old of an alcoholic death (not pretty). I was 14. The night he died, I got drunk at a party and did not tell of my loss or my feeling. Even from that young age, I was trying to suppress my emotions with alcohol. Through my high school and college days, I also found that drinking allowed me to loosen up and not be so self-conscious. It was fun back in the day. I had friends who all liked to PARTY. We all thought we were the coolest things on God’s green earth. No major repercussions at this point. However, it was good training for where I am today. During this time, I associated having fun with drinking. I also learned that I could suppress feelings and be happy for periods of time. I did well for a long time after college but drinking was always part of my life. I'm currently 45 yrs. old. I followed the carrier which brought to some cool places around the country. Eventually, I settled back into my Midwest "roots" and found a wife. We had 10 great years together and had two great kids before she died. She had a three year battle with breast cancer. Although my previous single days would not be considered normal drinking behaviors, I think my true alcohol abuse came shortly after my wife diagnosis. We had just had our second child, I had to travel on a regular basis, my wife was sick and I drank; drank to be "happy go lucky", drank to not feel - avoidance.... Things were so simple before... Then LIFE happened... She died and I was alone with kids aged 3 and 6... Things were OK but I still continued to drink... Had a live in nanny to help... I really don't know what was going on... How could this be happening to me?... Life was supposed to be simple, fun and easy... About 4 months after the loss, I met a support group on an on-line forum, similar to this... It was great and I felt I was no longer alone... Ended up meeting a great girl that had similar circumstances. We married approximately one year after our former spouses had passed. We called it a match made in heaven - she had two young ones, I had mine and we were very attracted to each other. Our short courting period was full on fun, romance, excitement, love... and of course drinking... I did not believe I was alcoholic when we married. I told her if it ever became a problem, I'd just stop drinking.... Sounds simple, right?? My beautiful and loving second wife started to become concerned about a year into our marriage... I could name numerous things to blame the drinking on but the bottom line is that I did not know how to deal with life. I was avoiding grief and stresses by drinking... Isn't it just to be used as a social lubricant?.. Too have fun with but not control you?.. Things got bad and I had a few (maybe many - I don't know) binge episodes. A night following a party we hosted, I continued to get drunk. My wife was pissed and tried to video tape me. I'm not sure exactly what happened but I ended up throwing her to the ground and holding her by the neck... Not good... Understandably, she had me removed from the house under a temporary protection order.. You would think that this would have woken me up??.. I missed the Christmas holiday with my kids for crying out loud!!!! I tried to sober up... Did a lot of meetings and did an outpatient program... Nothing was sticking... I would have weeks or months of not drinking but I would always return to the bottle... I must be stupid!!! I did not want to lose my wife or kids or job... Oh but did I tell you, I had to quit drinking?? This addiction and my trained behaviors have become exceedingly hard to handle... I was able to return home after a few months but I continued to have slips (more like binges). My wife ended up moving out a few months later. Not wanting to deal with things, how do you think I reacted? - I fell deeper.. I actually admitted myself to rehab for a period.. I did 14 days of isolation=:4::4:I'm a changed man! It did not stick... Oh, forgot to tell you, after she moved out, she would not talk to me at her new house so I continued to honk my horn to get her attention (wouldn't you do that if you were drunk). Cops were called and I was taken in. Due to the fact that I was home alone with my two minor kids, Children’s Services was called. I lost temporary custody of them for almost a year to their grandparents... You think I would stop drinking now??? The longest sobriety period I had was 6 months... I have had the kids back now for over a year and a half... They are doing great despite my challenges... I and the second wife did get a divorce. She is in another relationship but I continue to think of her and wish I could get her back.. Love and addiction can really hurt - for both parties!!! . The last year has been ups and downs... Depression sucks!!! Not getting my way sucks!!! Not being able to stop drinking sucks!!!.... So here I am.... I have been in and out of AA for about three years.... My spirituality, beliefs and values have blossomed beyond what I could have imagined. I am very thankful for that.... I'm thinking that God has made this plan for me to steer me to Heaven.... Now I just hope that he keeps me around to be a good father to my children, a service to my community and a communicator of His way of life....... "Still trying to figure it out".....
ps: I hope this site takes off.... It is a good medium for being honest with yourself and others....
For all that care to read this, I am going to lay out my road of addiction. Maybe this web tread is more for myself; still trying to "figure things out". To start, I guess I had a genetic predisposition to becoming and alcoholic. My father died at around 50 years old of an alcoholic death (not pretty). I was 14. The night he died, I got drunk at a party and did not tell of my loss or my feeling. Even from that young age, I was trying to suppress my emotions with alcohol. Through my high school and college days, I also found that drinking allowed me to loosen up and not be so self-conscious. It was fun back in the day. I had friends who all liked to PARTY. We all thought we were the coolest things on God’s green earth. No major repercussions at this point. However, it was good training for where I am today. During this time, I associated having fun with drinking. I also learned that I could suppress feelings and be happy for periods of time. I did well for a long time after college but drinking was always part of my life. I'm currently 45 yrs. old. I followed the carrier which brought to some cool places around the country. Eventually, I settled back into my Midwest "roots" and found a wife. We had 10 great years together and had two great kids before she died. She had a three year battle with breast cancer. Although my previous single days would not be considered normal drinking behaviors, I think my true alcohol abuse came shortly after my wife diagnosis. We had just had our second child, I had to travel on a regular basis, my wife was sick and I drank; drank to be "happy go lucky", drank to not feel - avoidance.... Things were so simple before... Then LIFE happened... She died and I was alone with kids aged 3 and 6... Things were OK but I still continued to drink... Had a live in nanny to help... I really don't know what was going on... How could this be happening to me?... Life was supposed to be simple, fun and easy... About 4 months after the loss, I met a support group on an on-line forum, similar to this... It was great and I felt I was no longer alone... Ended up meeting a great girl that had similar circumstances. We married approximately one year after our former spouses had passed. We called it a match made in heaven - she had two young ones, I had mine and we were very attracted to each other. Our short courting period was full on fun, romance, excitement, love... and of course drinking... I did not believe I was alcoholic when we married. I told her if it ever became a problem, I'd just stop drinking.... Sounds simple, right?? My beautiful and loving second wife started to become concerned about a year into our marriage... I could name numerous things to blame the drinking on but the bottom line is that I did not know how to deal with life. I was avoiding grief and stresses by drinking... Isn't it just to be used as a social lubricant?.. Too have fun with but not control you?.. Things got bad and I had a few (maybe many - I don't know) binge episodes. A night following a party we hosted, I continued to get drunk. My wife was pissed and tried to video tape me. I'm not sure exactly what happened but I ended up throwing her to the ground and holding her by the neck... Not good... Understandably, she had me removed from the house under a temporary protection order.. You would think that this would have woken me up??.. I missed the Christmas holiday with my kids for crying out loud!!!! I tried to sober up... Did a lot of meetings and did an outpatient program... Nothing was sticking... I would have weeks or months of not drinking but I would always return to the bottle... I must be stupid!!! I did not want to lose my wife or kids or job... Oh but did I tell you, I had to quit drinking?? This addiction and my trained behaviors have become exceedingly hard to handle... I was able to return home after a few months but I continued to have slips (more like binges). My wife ended up moving out a few months later. Not wanting to deal with things, how do you think I reacted? - I fell deeper.. I actually admitted myself to rehab for a period.. I did 14 days of isolation=:4::4:I'm a changed man! It did not stick... Oh, forgot to tell you, after she moved out, she would not talk to me at her new house so I continued to honk my horn to get her attention (wouldn't you do that if you were drunk). Cops were called and I was taken in. Due to the fact that I was home alone with my two minor kids, Children’s Services was called. I lost temporary custody of them for almost a year to their grandparents... You think I would stop drinking now??? The longest sobriety period I had was 6 months... I have had the kids back now for over a year and a half... They are doing great despite my challenges... I and the second wife did get a divorce. She is in another relationship but I continue to think of her and wish I could get her back.. Love and addiction can really hurt - for both parties!!! . The last year has been ups and downs... Depression sucks!!! Not getting my way sucks!!! Not being able to stop drinking sucks!!!.... So here I am.... I have been in and out of AA for about three years.... My spirituality, beliefs and values have blossomed beyond what I could have imagined. I am very thankful for that.... I'm thinking that God has made this plan for me to steer me to Heaven.... Now I just hope that he keeps me around to be a good father to my children, a service to my community and a communicator of His way of life....... "Still trying to figure it out".....
ps: I hope this site takes off.... It is a good medium for being honest with yourself and others....