Growing Pains

[blossom]

I thought getting sober was just about stopping drinking. I never realised until coming to AA that the solution to my problem (invariably me) was a spiritual one - and that that solution lay in the sprirtual awakening i would have in working the twelve steps. I have worked and continue to practice the steps in my daily life the best i can and while this journey continues to be enlightening it also continues at times to be painful. I think that pain has mainly come from learning and accepting who i truly am and taking down the facade that i had worn for so many years, that has and is scary, but when i do, i become more comfortable living in my own skin.
I have been thinking about this alot lately, as i have been having a rocky road in my personal life and have had to work my program really hard and pick up all the tools and some extra ones to keep myself well and it has worked. Somedays better than others, but it has worked and that in it's self is truly amazing, that i can go through the ups and downs of life and not drink - there was a time when i couldn't even go through opening my eyes to a new day without first picking up a drink - and now i can live in a grown up world with emotions and be ok - even when i'm not ok...and for that i am truly grateful!!
I was talking to my sponsor the other evening and sharing with her that i felt quite dispondent with my higher power, and that while i knew my higher power was with me - i don't feel as connected as i have done, and that it scared me because i know that the solution lies with my higher power and i don't want to move away from that. I was waiting for her to suggest something to fix it, but her answer was 'that sometimes we just have to go through this stuff to get to other side' (definately not the answer i was looking for!), but then she told me something that i have been able to draw from recently "We can't be in the sunshine all the time, otherwise it becomes the desert and we need the rain to grow".
The growing pains of sobriety for me is like being in the rain, because when it is painful i also know that it is nourishing me and that i am growing into the person i am meant to be. I cannot escape pain (i have spent far too many days trying to do that) and i know it doesn't work because i just keep reliving that pain over and over again - so today i can choose to go through pain rather than around it and more importantly learn from it and grow. If i can do that then that pain becomes a gift - a gift that brings greater understanding of who i am in gods eyes.
I know my higher power is with me today and that i am not alone - and if today is not a good day, then it surely will be a growing day, which is always a good day! ;)

Blossom

[samf]

Great share, Blossom!

I found I can actually walk through painful times and I do get to the other side. And I usually learn something, grow, find a gift from being through that, and grow stronger, somehow, in this sober life.

I don't always feel close to my Higher Power, either, but someone told me to always remember that faith isn't feeling. I was kind of used to relying on feelings.

And I see the handwork of a Higher Power in everything...the air I breathe, the sunlight, the hummingbirds on my morning glory vines...the smile someone has on thier face...the eyes of another human being....it is always all around me.

Samf

[Clark]

Thankyou Blossom,
I have been having a very painful day, and I couldn't figure out why. (and still can't) The only thing I could think of is the weather (which is rainy and windy and cold)? Its been raining all day and Ive been inside, blaming the weather and my situation in life -rather than trying to accept the pain-(and the rain!)? Thankyou for helping me realize I WILL grow from this.? But in the meantime it's still really hard.? I guess whats so painful (emotionally overwhelming) for me is not only just "putting down the facade", but also taking a real honest look at my life.? I don't know.?
C

[blossom]

Hi Clark :D

It's really grey, wet and rainy here too!

I always want to figure out why i'm in pain too, but sometimes it is just accepting that thats how i feel today - my early days were very up and down for no reason in particular, apart from probably my mind, body and spirit adjusting its self back to some normality. Be patient and gentle with yourself and allow yourself to have these feelings and go through them - i find that sharing them, just like you are here, very helpful to remind me that i'm not alone.
And your not alone, we are all here and been or in the same place you are and i promise that it does get better, it really does! Sometimes if i'm in a real boggy place i find that doing something for somebody else, like ringing someone to see how they are, gets me out of myself and can make my day a little better - or read some of the stories in the big book, i found them so inspirational in my early days and they gave me the willingness to believe that i could do this!
And you can always come back here and share with us.

Love and Hugs
Blossom ;D

[fishdocdon]

Hey Clark------the Good News----YOU can feel and sense the wind , rain and cold-----duh!!!!! What a great revelation. If you were drunk you'd just say It"s a crappy day. Along with sobtiety, we experience feelings and senses that had been dulled by our misuse of the booze. Look at the bright side, even though in some pain, You are starting to heal. The road to recovery is not fast enough for any of us, but it's for real and will ALWAYS materialize if we keep on TRUDGING along tthe road. I know what you're going through and must repeat one of my most hated sayings. It was said to me so many times."This too shall pass" ugh!!!!! But it's true. Keep on trucking and my prayers are with you----GBWU Doc