Setting Boundaries

[MajestyJo]

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Quote:

One of the important distinctions to learn in recovery, is how to draw a boundary between being and behavior. We can love a person's being and still protect ourselves from their behavior if that is necessary.

To think that loving someone means we have to accept being abused by them is dysfunctional - and it demonstrates a lack of Love for our self. If we do not know how to be Loving to our self, then we cannot Truly Love another person in a healthy way.

If we do not honor our self, show respect for our self, by having boundaries - then the other person is not going to respect us.

- - Robert Burney

It is impossible to have a healthy relationship without communication and boundaries. It is my responsibility to take care of my wants and needs and protect myself. I choose not to abuse myself and others today, I refuse to allow anyone else to abuse me either.

I am worthy of respect and if I don't respect myself, than I can't expect others to care if I don't. It is up to me to make people aware of what is acceptable and what is not.

For many years because of my people please, trying to fit in, my looking for validation and acceptance, I ignored bad behavior and just shrugged it off as "He/She doesn't know any better. That is where they are at in today. That person needs program, too bad they are still in denial. Yet it ended up, that I was the one with the resentment. They are killers and make me sick, more so than the words of the abuser.

"This is how you make me feel.... This is what I need...." For my health and well being, I require...." I had to question myself and ask myself what do I need? Often I don't know! My Higher Power meets my needs if I am open to receiving them. Door open if I am willng to walk through.

I had a lot of wants and things I thought were important, yet my peace of mind and serenity was the priority. I had to take an honest look at myself. For so many years, I lived my life through others. What they wanted, was good enough for me. I had to develop my own identity.

Boundaries are for me and my well being. Some are rigid, some are flexible, some are by invitation only. It is up to me to defend them and if they get trampled on, then it is up to me to reset them.

Boundaries have consequences. This is an issue I have with my son. There was a time I didn't know where he was and didn't hear from him prior to coming into recovery. It is an experience that I never want to relive and as a result, I have trouble totally detaching.

Many times I have to call him on his behavior and tell him that things are not acceptable to me and if he can't let go of his anger it is best that he leave. Sometimes a boundary is set in the moment. Some he knows are there and he ignores them because he is in active addiction and I have to reinforce them.

I can choose to let them go! I can choose how I will react, I no longer want to be that screaming shrew of the past! Everything is subject to change. I always have a choice....

[MajestyJo]

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Flack from Setting Boundaries

We need to know how far we'll go, and how far we'll allow others
to go with us. Once we understand this, we can go anywhere.
--Beyond Codependency


When we own our power to take care of ourselves - set a
boundary, say no, and change an old pattern - we may get
flack from some people. That's okay. We don't have to let
their reactions control us, stop us, or influence our decision
to take care of ourselves.

We don't have to control their reactions to our process of
self-care. That is not our responsibility. We don't have to
expect them not to react either.

People will react when we do things differently or take
assertive action to nurture ourselves, particularly if our
decision in some way affects them. Let them have their
feelings. Let them have their reactions. But continue on
your course anyway.

If people are used to us behaving in a certain way, they'll
attempt to convince us to stay that way to avoid changing
the system. If people are used to us saying yes all the time,
they may start mumbling and murmuring when we say no.
If people are used to us taking care of their responsibilities,
feelings, and problems, they may give us some flack when
we stop. That's normal. We can learn to live with a little flack
in the name of healthy self-care. Not abuse, mind you flack.

If people are used to controlling us through guilt, bullying,
and badgering, they may intensify their efforts when we
change and refuse to be controlled. That's okay. That's flack too.

We don't have to let flack pull us back into old ways if we've
decided we want and need to change. We don't have to react
to flack or give it much attention. It doesn't deserve it. It will
die down.

Today, I will disregard any flack I receive for changing my
behaviors or making other efforts to be myself.

From The Language of Letting Go: - - by Melody Beattie