Harry
06-21-2006, 12:59 PM
It took me sometime to understand and realize just what a spiritual experience is. When I came back to A.A. this time, it was a different feeling. Not like the other two times. The first time, I felt you people were different than me. I was different and you didn't understand. Besides, I wasn't an alcoholic. The second time, even though I knew that I surely was an alcoholic, I didn't need your help and I didn't need the 12 Steps. I was positive I could stay clean and sober on my own. This time was different. First, when I walked through the door into the meeting, I wasn't there to get clean and sober or to try to staighten my life out. I was just going in to stay warm and get a hot cup of coffee. Something was happening during the first half of the meeting though, and I really wasn't aware of it. When we went back in after break and I got the white chip in my hand, that is when I knew that something different was happening. There wasn't any flash of white light, a bolt of lightening or a bush setting on fire. What there was though, was a wonderful feeling of hope, that I had never felt before. When the meeting was over and as I was walking back to the shelter, I felt this smile on my face, and even though I was scared, fear of the unknown, I still had this strange feeling within me that everything was going to be alright. When I went to meetings I was listening like only a dying man could. I suddenly was willing to do things that I wouldn't normally do. Like going to meetings, listening to learn, asking for help, willing to take suggestions and the willingness to go to any length. It took me 9 months to realize that from that first day up till that moment in time, the obsession and cravings were lifted. When I went to meetings and heard other newcomers share that they were horrified by the cravings they were having, I thought that maybe something was wrong with me. I wasn't having them, and I wasn't going to share that with anybody for then everyone might think I was actually crazy. I never shared that with anybody until after two years. I told my sponsor, and when I told him I was surprised to hear him say, I was ready.
It was shortly after that, reading and going through the process of the Steps in the Big Book, that I understood that I had a spiritual experience that moment I had the white chip in my hand.
I can honestly and truly say that in 5 and 1/2 years, I have not had a craving for a drink or a drug, through the Grace of God. That isn't to say that I didn't think of going back out for I did. Once in early sobriety, very early, and I was walking around in the middle of winter trying to get paperwork done that I needed. After getting turned away a few times this one day, I thought that it would be easier to go back to drinking and drugging than to do this BS I was trying to do. And yes, it would have been easier than to do the footwork and participate in my sobriety. This process is not easy. But it only took me a few seconds after that thought to start asking my HP for help and just praying. Never thought about going back out again. I have had my share of dreams and I still do have one once in a while. God has done for me what no man could do for me, nor could I do for myself.
Patsy I like what you posted about the awakening. These awakenings happen on a daily basis for me. Every day I have an awakening in one way or another.
A friend at one particular meeting I use to go to, use to share often that, God brought him to A.A. and A.A. brought him to God. Today, those are my same sentiments.
I have been blessed and more fortunate than some others have and I realize that. But I also don't take it for granted. I know that I will only get out of this, what I put in to it. Nothing is going to be served to me on a silver platter and that there is action that has to be taken. Today, I know it takes constant vigilance. Nobody ever told me this would be easy or that this would get easier. It isn't easy and as time goes by it hasn't got any easier.
But for the Grace of God.
Harry
It was shortly after that, reading and going through the process of the Steps in the Big Book, that I understood that I had a spiritual experience that moment I had the white chip in my hand.
I can honestly and truly say that in 5 and 1/2 years, I have not had a craving for a drink or a drug, through the Grace of God. That isn't to say that I didn't think of going back out for I did. Once in early sobriety, very early, and I was walking around in the middle of winter trying to get paperwork done that I needed. After getting turned away a few times this one day, I thought that it would be easier to go back to drinking and drugging than to do this BS I was trying to do. And yes, it would have been easier than to do the footwork and participate in my sobriety. This process is not easy. But it only took me a few seconds after that thought to start asking my HP for help and just praying. Never thought about going back out again. I have had my share of dreams and I still do have one once in a while. God has done for me what no man could do for me, nor could I do for myself.
Patsy I like what you posted about the awakening. These awakenings happen on a daily basis for me. Every day I have an awakening in one way or another.
A friend at one particular meeting I use to go to, use to share often that, God brought him to A.A. and A.A. brought him to God. Today, those are my same sentiments.
I have been blessed and more fortunate than some others have and I realize that. But I also don't take it for granted. I know that I will only get out of this, what I put in to it. Nothing is going to be served to me on a silver platter and that there is action that has to be taken. Today, I know it takes constant vigilance. Nobody ever told me this would be easy or that this would get easier. It isn't easy and as time goes by it hasn't got any easier.
But for the Grace of God.
Harry