MONKEYS EVERYWHERE

[MIKEYBEEF]

I've been sober for 77 days. When I qiut I had alot of monkeys on my back. Each day I am getting stronger and stronger to the point that monkeys are falling off me,letting go of me. Their just not enjoying the ride any more. ;D Thats cause I wont let them. Now whenever I have a monkey on my back,the sober me doesnt want them there. I kick them to the curb immediatly,before they get so big they break my back and I start drinking again to ease the pain.

[samf]

Wow...congradulations on 77 days, too!
That's great that you are still sober and doing everything you can think of to help yourself!
Sam

[oberon]

Keep sending them back to Simian city ;D

[lindaINGeorgia]

good for you! :)

[nikki]

thats great wish i could stay sober for just one day!

[MIKEYBEEF]

Hi Nikki its Mikeybeef. The power of focus is a great thing. Focus on finding ways to quit. Find an A.A. meeting in your area,start an exercise routine,find some new hobbies that are of interest to you,etc.etc. Focus on anything but drinking. They say if you continue a new routine long enough(6weeks)it becomes a habit. Start creating good habits for yourself. Im at 109 days myself and this is the longest ive ever been sober. Its so nice to never have that dreaded hangover and to wake up refreshed every day. And its nice to gain back that inner peace we all once new in our childhood. I wish you the best Nikki :)

[samf]

Nikki, hi. If I can get sober, then I end up feeling like anyone can.
I don't know your story or if you need to be hospitalized.
Do you attend AA meetingss or have you ever been to one?
There's this cool little book, called "Living Sober". One thing it talks about is delaying...just not drinking for this minute. I find it also helps to be around other sober alcoholics who are willing to help...it kept me from thinking about drinking, all the time.
My body craved a drink, real bad! And it is all my mind thought about.
Hope you will come back to talk....maybe we can help.
Also, I kept asking God to help me, if there was a God, just to not drink today.
Said a prayer for you.
I know you can do this.

Love,
Samf

[fishdocdon]

Mikey,
Congrats on ur 100 + days. I hear u continuing to express ways the YOU can stay sober.. Around AA we've found that WE can't and God can. It's a higher power thing/. I hope u are attending some meetings, getting a Big Boolk (our textbook) to read and study, and getting a sponsor. These things are necessary to STAY STOPPED. I"m glad u have such PEACE OF MIND in so short a time . Maybe ur not a drunk of my type but if u are I'd suggest you check out the program. Very few if any stay sober on rheir own. Good luck, I'd like to see you get many years of peace.

[johnc]

That's a good point about inner peace & childhood. I would even take early 30's at this point.

I'm going to attend my first meeting tomorrow. I have been reading the book the past couple of days, since my last drink, and a lot of it resonates with me. Somehow I lost God along the way. I realized about a year ago that I was going to be in big trouble as I got even older without a sense of religion and purpose. I'm ready to bring God into my life again and put my trust in him.

I have been trying to quit for 3 years, and the binges just keep getting worse / more painful each time I fail. My kids are at the age that they notice when Dad is drunk. It has to end this time.

I wonder why I drank so much these past many years. Does anyone ever believe that it happened for a positive reason? That once sober, you were truely able to live your life in happiness and inner peace that would have never been reached unless you became addicted to alcolhol and were subsequently able to recover?

[samf]

Welcome, John!
Hi.
Some of the worst things that ever happened to me turned out to be the best things!
I sure didn't see it that way at the time, though....just later.
It took the pain and all the drinking, trying to quit, not being able to, getting beat up more and more.
Hey, have you read "The Doctor's Opinion", in the Big Book?
It's my favorite part.
He talks about us alcoholics as having a physical allergy to booze. An allergy manifests itself by a reaction to something that is not the normal. They say that one in ten people reacts abnormally to alcohol. The reaction is a physical craving for more of the same.
We end up getting drunk because our bodies crave alcohol.
I didn't know that. That explains to me why some folks seem to be able to take it or leave it, and I never could.
Once I take a drink, I always drink more.
And I have an obsession of the mind, about booze. When I get restless, irritable, discontent, my head always thinks, "Hey. remember? A drink would fix this." "After all, other people drink. This time I just woke drink more than two! Two. That's my limit." (Or I'll drink scotch straight up, because I hate scotch...and so on.)
Always looking for a way to control my drinking. Normal, non-alcoholic people don't have to control thier drinking, or even try. They don't crave it like me.
I'd drink at crazy times...like right before a big deal job interview. And I'd get so sloshed I could go.
I don't know why I drank...it's like it just took over...there was no reason for me to do that...no thinking at all.
Non-alcoholic people don't do that stuff. They don't think about booze, all the time, like me.
My life actually did get better and better, John. I'm grateful today that I am an alcoholic. Learning to live this way of life in AA has been a gift, in so many ways...I can't even tell you.
One of these days you'll be telling that same kind of thing to somebody else, I bet.
I hope the meeting goes well for you! bet you will find people who actually understand, there.
Let me know what happens, if you want to...ok?
My favorite prayer is still, "God, help me." I never had a God I knew before, either. I'm grateful, so grateful for that.
If I can do anything to be helpful, please let me know.
If you were here, would give you a hug and say welcome, John.
Would also be telling you to keep coming.
Sending a prayer your way, this morning.

Samf

[MIKEYBEEF]

Mikey,
Congrats on ur 100 + days. I hear u continuing to express ways the YOU can stay sober.. Around AA we've found that WE can't and God can. It's a higher power thing/. I hope u are attending some meetings, getting a Big Boolk (our textbook) to read and study, and getting a sponsor. These things are necessary to STAY STOPPED. I"m glad u have such PEACE OF MIND in so short a time . Maybe ur not a drunk of my type but if u are I'd suggest you check out the program. Very few if any stay sober on rheir own. Good luck, I'd like to see you get many years of peace.

[MIKEYBEEF]

Hows it going fishdocdon. Ya thats my downfall. I dont attend as many meetings as I should. Tomorrow I will go out and buy an alcoholics book,thanks for the advice

[MIKEYBEEF]

Ya John I know what you mean. One of the things Ive learned while being sober is not to start taking life for granted. I try to cherish all my days off from work,and even try to enjoy myself at work. The torment that I put myself thru drinking was rediculus. Its funny I thought I could cure hangovers and the next day after drinking,I would drink V-8 juice,oj,run 3 miles to sweat out the alcohol,It kind of worked but never cured it. My days were spent drinking and trying to figure out how to feel normal the next day.That was my life in a nut shell. Waiting in lines while hungover was the worst for me. I would start to get paranoid and sweat bullets and at times walk away because the anxiety was just to much. Im not a mean drunk im a happy drunk with two teenagers. They might think im cool and nice but how can they respect my actions. Also I feel that when I drank all the time I was loosing my soul,so on the days that I didnt drink(past the hangover stage)I almost felt like a child rediscovering my soul. Now im living my life one day at a time I have good days and bad days,but more good than bad thank God. I get lonely alot but my life is so much more simple now without all the crazyness drinking put me threw. I wish you the best John. Sam you drank for job interviews. lol ;D

[samf]

Mickey...hey. You bet! It was the only way I knew to live! ;D

Sam

[CarolD]

Welcome? ?and? ?Hi Nikki

I? do hope? you keep trying? for sobriety!

It can be done? and? you? can do it!

:D

[fishdocdon]

I'm glad ur getting along so well mikey. Kind of make me jealous. I was 53 when i got to aa (through a recovery hosp) and i didn't have a clue. I'm a dentist and well educated, but this recovery stuff (the Big Book) etc. were over my head. The book Living Sober became my bible for the first year with forays into the BB for steps. I still love that book. It gave me skills that I will use forever.I later got into AA history Dr Bob and The Oldtimers, Pass It On, etc. so that I had a real understanding of the program and what it stood for. I needed to KNOW BEFORE I COULD COMPLETELY GIVE MYSELF TO THIS SIMPLE PROGRAM. It took me about 2 and a half years and 1500 meetings for the light to come on. My finding a Higher Power was the slow as a result of the steps type. That all started in 91. I have 3 things that the oldtimers did that I (and my circle of friends) do. The first and to me the most important is MORNING MEDITATION, the second is DAILY READING ( in general recovery or spiritual) the third is DAILY CONTACT( with another drunk). Works for me and my friends. It may work for you. As the BB says , we don't have a corner on the recovery market, but we have a program of rwcovery that works and can be duplicated by others. It is the program of AA not MY program. We try to work it in all our affairs, some days better than others. Not meaning to preach but this is what I have come to believe. I wish you the best and all AA's . BY THE WAY, SAMF IF OR WHEN YOU READ THIS , YOU ARE ALWAYS IN MY PRAYERS. i ALSO THANK YOU FOR YOUR GRAT POSTINGS THAT HELP OTHERS SO MUCH. I'll sign of for now the way I do with my friends GBWU

[MIKEYBEEF]

Ya Sam I know what you mean. A couple times in the early 90's I went to work drunk during the graveyard shift and shampooed carpets in a drunkin stuper.One time I took the hospital van out on a drunkin joyride.I got fired because there were witnesses and I damaged the back of the van backing into a huge dumpster. ???

[johnc]

Ya John I know what you mean. One of the things Ive learned while being sober is not to start taking life for granted. I try to cherish all my days off from work,and even try to enjoy myself at work. The torment that I put myself thru drinking was rediculus. Its funny I thought I could cure hangovers and the next day after drinking,I would drink V-8 juice,oj,run 3 miles to sweat out the alcohol,It kind of worked but never cured it. My days were spent drinking and trying to figure out how to feel normal the next day.That was my life in a nut shell. Waiting in lines while hungover was the worst for me. I would start to get paranoid and sweat bullets and at times walk away because the anxiety was just to much. Im not a mean drunk im a happy drunk with two teenagers. They might think im cool and nice but how can they respect my actions. Also I feel that when I drank all the time I was loosing my soul,so on the days that I didnt drink(past the hangover stage)I almost felt like a child rediscovering my soul. Now im living my life one day at a time I have good days and bad days,but more good than bad thank God. I get lonely alot but my life is so much more simple now without all the crazyness drinking put me threw. I wish you the best John. Sam you drank for job interviews. lol ;D


I hear you. The great part about being in my teens, 20's, and early 30's was no hangover. If I did have one, then I just worked out like you until it was gone and then drank again later. It seemed to work. Too friggin bad for me that I now drink four times as much but have no tolerance and ability to recover the next day. I wake up and need a drink immediately. It is really sick stuff - plus it is either my kids or pets that wake me up in the middle of the night - bad, bad situation - I know.

I keep trying to give it up, and I do for a while. But everytime at some point I crack and watch out - binge for a week or two where I can't remember **** afterwards. And I always f*ck something up in my life.

Anyway, I went to two AA meetings last week. I loved the first one - a lot of sincerity. However, the 2nd one was just so-so since I sensed there were some insincere people there. I'm going to try to get to one tomorrow. It does my soul good to hear people tell stories that are similar to mine.

Here's my biggest problem - I do know how to stop drinking for periods of time, but I don't know how to have fun while sober. I have been drinking for so long, that drinking and fun go together. Sober is for my working state, and I always do the same thing - get sober and then work my ass off until crack. I need a new soul or something.

Anyway, just rambling.

Take it easy.

[johnc]

Welcome, John!
Hi.
Some of the worst things that ever happened to me turned out to be the best things!
I sure didn't see it that way at the time, though....just later.
It took the pain and all the drinking, trying to quit, not being able to, getting beat up more and more.
Hey, have you read "The Doctor's Opinion", in the Big Book?
It's my favorite part.
He talks about us alcoholics as having a physical allergy to booze. An allergy manifests itself by a reaction to something that is not the normal. They say that one in ten people reacts abnormally to alcohol. The reaction is a physical craving for more of the same.
We end up getting drunk because our bodies crave alcohol.
I didn't know that. That explains to me why some folks seem to be able to take it or leave it, and I never could.
Once I take a drink, I always drink more.
And I have an obsession of the mind, about booze. When I get restless, irritable, discontent, my head always thinks, "Hey. remember? A drink would fix this." "After all, other people drink. This time I just woke drink more than two! Two. That's my limit." (Or I'll drink scotch straight up, because I hate scotch...and so on.)
Always looking for a way to control my drinking. Normal, non-alcoholic people don't have to control thier drinking, or even try. They don't crave it like me.
I'd drink at crazy times...like right before a big deal job interview. And I'd get so sloshed I could go.
I don't know why I drank...it's like it just took over...there was no reason for me to do that...no thinking at all.
Non-alcoholic people don't do that stuff. They don't think about booze, all the time, like me.
My life actually did get better and better, John. I'm grateful today that I am an alcoholic. Learning to live this way of life in AA has been a gift, in so many ways...I can't even tell you.
One of these days you'll be telling that same kind of thing to somebody else, I bet.
I hope the meeting goes well for you! bet you will find people who actually understand, there.
Let me know what happens, if you want to...ok?
My favorite prayer is still, "God, help me." I never had a God I knew before, either. I'm grateful, so grateful for that.
If I can do anything to be helpful, please let me know.
If you were here, would give you a hug and say welcome, John.
Would also be telling you to keep coming.
Sending a prayer your way, this morning.

Samf


Sam,

Regarding life getting better being sober, I'm counting on it man. It's tough. I stopped drinking 6 days ago, but that is no big deal, since I have been working all day trying to catch up on all the stuff I let go during my last binge. The past few days were hell while I dealt with the guilt, but today I feel good. I have no interest in having a drink, but I know at some point in the future I'm going to crack and hit the bottle real,real hard. I was confessing a lot of stuff to my wife this week. She couldn't believe that I make a practice of making a drink of half booze and half soda and then do shots by swigging the bottle in between gulps of my drink.

The sick thing is that the longer I stay sober, the harder I binge. I'll try really hard not to binge when I start drinking again and maybe handle my booze for a few days, but at some point I'm going down. I saw a similar description in the big book. Any of this seem familiar to you?

I also got a laugh out of the part about drinking before job interviews. How did you hide it on your breath or didn't you care?

When I drink, I get extremely parinoid about my odor because my wife constantly tells me that I stink while I'm drinking and for a couple of days afterwards.

I'm just venting tonight. I think my wife gets pissed when I get sober because she can't drink wine on Saturday nights. She always keeps it under control but she likes a few glasses.

My wife also keeps up with the "why can't you just have two drinks and then stop?" Neither of us can understand it. IT SUCKS!

Take care and please excuse my rambling.

[MIKEYBEEF]

Hey John,whats the longest that you have ever been sober? The main reason that I didnt want to quit drinking is because of the boredom. I thought,how the hell am I going to enjoy my life now. I know one thing for sure. What I do with my free time now that im sober is diffrent from what I did drinking. Youll start to slowly fill in the gaps that alcohol used to fill.It was also hard for me to quit because my wife enjoyed my company while I was drunk,I was with her for 7 years and drank almost everyday so I thought I might bore her. If anything she bores me now.lol. I try to not take life for granted now at 115 days sober so on my days off I might go surfing and appreciate all my surroundings. Its a wonderful feeling John,when you are in control,and the alcohols not controling you. Now Id say that I dont really get bored,and the times that I do im content with it. If we look at all the benifits we get from drinking,and the benefits from staying sober,sobriety far out weighs drinking. And to have 100%recollection of all your days,with no guilt and no monkeys on your back,its phenominal. If I was killed in accident,I dont want people to remember me as "Mike the DRUNK!" Also when I think back on the past 14 years of my life,it was all wasted on the same ritual day in and day out,over and over and over and over. Now wheres the fun in that.lol. Anyways John I wish you the best,and I pray you gain strenth the next couple weeks 8)

[fishdocdon]

JOHN GO INTO THE BIG BOOK. Dr,s opinion explains a lot . Basically we are sick people who have lost the ability to control our drinking. duh very basic We are not normal. We have an allergy and when we take a drink we crave another. Normal people, my wife , possibly yours, do not experience the craving.Thay believe we lack WILLPOWER. Truth is we are sicko's and try as we might we cannot control our drinking. All this is in the book. If you want a life and don't want to drink again seek out an AA meeting, get a Big Book and start reading it, Get a Sponsor.The program works for those who work at it not those that just talk about it . Hope this isn't too blunt and helps.

[johnc]

Mike,

Since trying to quit 3 years ago, the longest I have stayed sober was 4 months. That was two years ago. I was doing great but starting to crack as Spring was coming. One week I went away to a timeshare we owned, and two aholes there started busting my stones because I wasn't drinking. The craziest part was one of them has an alcoholic wife who hasn't drank in many years. Anyway, I got home and my wife started yelling at me, and I blew my top mighty good and went on one of the biggest binges in my life. I started it with a fith of good scotch and promptly got into a big fight with most of my family. We since sold the place since it was inhabited by a bunch of weekend drunks.

Your entire story rings true with me.

I need to find a way to unwind. Exercise is great and gives me a natural high, but I don't unwind so much. Smoking a stogie helps a little but I don't want to get hooked on that. I keep trying meditation off and on. Ever try that? It is relaxing. That may eventually do the trick. Of course, sex with the wife does me good but she isn't always willing, which is a bummer.

Regardless, I'm going to pursue AA to get off this crap. I just haven't been able to do it on my own, and I have seem to forgotten all about God along the way.

Like you, I don't want to look back on any more time with fuzzy memories, guilt, and a weak soul.

The thing I like most about AA so far is the hope that it provides and the ability to sit in a room with a bunch of other people like me. I was so relieved to hear some of the stories coming from strangers. I'm looking forward to going to another one. Have you been going regularly? If so, I might want to ask you some questions about protocol.

Take care and thanks.

[johnc]

Fish,

No, not blunt at all. I agree 100%. However, I think a lot more people wind up alcoholic than most people believe. If you ever go to a party where there are a lot of old timers or hang around with them one way or another, you will see quite a few of them hitting it hard. I think most people either wind up with a sauced brain or a completely sober one. I'll bet it is less than 20% that keep moderately drinking all the way to a natural death (at least within my ethnic backgrounds). This is just more reason to quit and quit as early as possible.

It's going to be very tough for me to finally shake this thing, but I'm working it hard. I'm making big changes to my life that includes finally going to AA meetings. Believe me when I say...I surrender.

Thanks

[MIKEYBEEF]

Thats my downfall John I havent been going in a while. For now ive been using this forum as a subsitute. Im right now looking for a alcoholics anonomus book so I can start reading away.

[johnc]

You know you should go.

I'm thinking that regular attendance at these meetings brings your memories back to the pain that booze causes by hearing other people tell their stories. Without going, your mind can begin to play tricks on you and block your memories of all the pain that heavy drinking causes.

[johnc]

Thats my downfall John I havent been going in a while. For now ive been using this forum as a subsitute. Im right now looking for a alcoholics anonomus book so I can start reading away.


I just finished reading Ch. 11 in the big book. The first few pages helped me this morning. AA has me pegged.

[fishdocdon]

john , Mikey still wants to keep SOME CONTROL. He's wanting to want to give up. This forum is no substitute for AA. If mikey wante a big book he'd have one already as we talked about this a couple weeks ago . I pray for Mikey but he can't quite give up YET!!!!!!!

[MIKEYBEEF]

Exactly Fish. Theres certain fears I still cant face

[fishdocdon]

mIKEY YOU CAN DO IT !!!! We're all praying for you. Get to AA meeting, get a sponsor, get and read the Big Book. It's only important IF YOU WANT TO STAY STOPPED!!!!!

[samf]

Hi. Man, John...so great to me that you are reading your Big Book!

Meetings are awesome for me. I hear so much help and hope in there. I identify so much with other alcoholics!

And yes, I just hurt when someone goes back out there or has to drink again, and it reminds me, reminds me.

Normal drinkers don't always understand. They can have one or two and stop. Can't everyone? (Not me.)

Hope you will keep going to meetings and people are giving you good suggestions.

I gravitated to people in meetings I could talk to...and they helped me so much.

LOl...at first, I just wanted to hide out in the back, you know?

The first time someone asked me to read, "How It Works", I had to stand at a podium and thought I would have fainted if I hadn't been holding on.

As it was...no lie...my knees were actually knocking.

Yes, John, it ALL sounds familiar to me! What you shared.

Keep reading that book. I bet you see yourself all over the place. I sure do, with me.

The Doctor's Opinion is great!

And "There Is A Solution", and "More About Alcoholism".

The whole thing.

If there's anything we can help with or anything you have a question about, please give a hollar, ok?

And while the board is great, there is something about being able to be face to face with another alcoholic or a room of us that is just magical.

Please keep doing what you are doing...go to meetings, read the Big Book, get a sponosr when you find someone you feel ok about.

Am sending a prayer your way...did my heart good to hear what you are doing.

Samf

[samf]

Hey, Mickey!

You have been so great about helping and encouraging other people, and about getting topics going, etc.

I really appreciate you for that!

And you sound like you are doing everything you know to do, that you are willing to do today, and you are staying sober!!

Big Books are easy to come across, if you want one. And I would send you one if you want one, too...I am forever getting them from the thrift stores, when people let go of them, in order to give them away.

Mickey, did you have a difficult time at meetings or something? I know that happens sometimes.

If you don't respond I won't push it...just wondering out loud.

Me, I always isolated...being a hermit looked real good for a very long time. I just couldn't handle people very well.

Now, when I grow up, Mickey, I need to get off my hiney and exercise, too!! I did work out on the weight bench, but have been really sporatic.

John! I almost forgot. I didn't care if I smelled.

(Was too drunk to care...was a no show a lot, too.)

I was thinking about it later and don't recall how often I bathed or washed clothes or changed clothes...I probably really smelled...just never thought about it, at the time.

Ok...am hushing.

Good to see you guys!

Real grateful you are here!

Samf

[samf]

Mickey...was thinking...please don't stop sharing just because I got nosey...I take it back...really appreciate your being here.

Samf

[fishdocdon]

Sam, Mikey knows we are ALL pulling for him. I think sometimes we need to keep pushing a little until the "wanting to want to" changes to just want to followed by action. I believe Mikey knows that we are TOTALLY for him but not TOTALLY for his THINKING. I love his posts and his reluctant williness. I've been told that I lack tact. That may be true. For me in early sobriety , I neede it like it was , not like i wished it to be. I now try to do the same for others. GBWU ALL Doc

[samf]

Thanks, Doc, for that.

Samf

[MIKEYBEEF]

Hey Sam how goes it. Its funny im a people person dont get me wrong, im just shy around people I dont know,and Ive only gone a few times. I fell somewhat isolated like you felt at first. You see whenever the drunk me was in those kind of situations where I was around a big group of people I would definatly be drinking. Know its just the oppisite. Alot of strangers are together talking about not drinking and it (for know) makes me feel uneasy. I loved all the stories,I just feel a little out of place. Im working it. Thanks Sam and Fish for your words of encouragement ::)

[johnc]

What's up fellas?

I went to my 3rd meeting today. I'm out of town, so it was surely anonymous. It was cool and helped me since my routine when being out of town on my own was to hit a liquour store immediately after checking in to my hotel and start to intoxicate myself. This time, I'm being cool. It's tough though because there is booze everywhere I look. This hotel must have 10 bars set up and when I walk out on the street there are a bunch of restuarants that allow people to sit outside and drink pitchers of beer.

My typical night in the hotel was to hang out at the bar for a while, go back to my room and drink myself to sleep, wake up at 3:00 AM and drink until I fell back to sleep, wake up at 7:00, feel like crap, sweat and be nervous all day until I could do it again that night - maybe even go back to my room during a break and swig a little to take the edge off. How sick is that? Yeah, I'm a little bored right now, but I'm planning on getting up early and working out at the gym here. By 7:00 AM, I'll be so happy to feel like a human rather than a piece of sh*t.

Sam, thanks for all the positive thoughts. I appreciate it.

And on a positive note, all 3 meetings I have gone to have been populated by very nice looking young ladies. If nothing else, they add a lot of energy to the room and brighten it up. It makes these meetings a lot easier. After all, I had expected a bunch of old miserable men in there.

Take care guys and God Bless!

[johnc]

Hey Sam how goes it. Its funny im a people person dont get me wrong, im just shy around people I dont know,and Ive only gone a few times. I fell somewhat isolated like you felt at first. You see whenever the drunk me was in those kind of situations where I was around a big group of people I would definatly be drinking. Know its just the oppisite. Alot of strangers are together talking about not drinking and it (for know) makes me feel uneasy. I loved all the stories,I just feel a little out of place. Im working it. Thanks Sam and Fish for your words of encouragement ::)


Mike, maybe you need to try a different meeting. Do you go at night or during the day? I have been going at noon, and the groups are young and energetic so far. Sure, there are a few people giving speeches, but most of the people that speak are sincere and move me.

If you haven't tried them, I suggest trying a noon meeting.

[johnc]

Sam,

How long have you been in AA and how often do you go? Do you have any problems with the anonymous thing? Do you go in your home town?

I have been going to meetings that are sort of far from my home town but on the way to where I work a couple of days a week. I'm concerned about the anonymous thing because in my state they make people convicted of DUIs attend AA meetings, which I think is wrong. I'm sure a lot of people that get convicted of a DUI don't think they are alcoholics. I don't want someone showing up to a meeting in my hometown and see me there and start blabbing it to other people. Am I wrong?

[fishdocdon]

John, I'm a dentist and worried about anonimity at first (for about 1 mo.) I was a bar person and knew and know most bartenders and owners. I was very public with my drinking. After quitting and getting into the program it came to my attention that everyone in my life that matterted knew about my drinking (should'nt have bee a suprise but it was).It then came to mind would patients rather have me a t the bar or at an AA meeting.. duh The answer was obvious. Also my old drinking buddies (who i really worried about, what would THEY think) would not even drive down the street if they knew an AA hall was on it. Anyone can have this disease, it's only bad if you do nothing about it. If some of YOUR freinds saw you, it would make them more comfortable. You may find that you could be more helpful to each other. Don't let your "little bitty ****ty comittee in your head" make you worry about anonimity. I'm sure you'll find as I did that it doesn't matter.
.

[johnc]

Anyone else have the constant feeling of panic before joining AA?

I have to say that for the past 8 years, I have felt a constant panic in my heart and soul, all the while drinking more heavily as time passed. I'm talking about the panic due to feeling that life was out of control and there were just too many things that needed to be done, that everyone was out to screw me, that everyone made things worse not better, and that I was the only person that could fix the situation - if only there was more time and less to do.

The only way I knew to get rid of that panic was to drink. Whether I thought about it before hand or not, once I drank the panic went away and I entered a different place. However, in the past several years the good part of that place only lasted about 5 minutes and then I was drunk only to be left with fuzzy memories and more pain.

Of course, I was actually entering a new loop on a vicious cycle. For the next several days, I would panic in the morning until I could get into the liquour store to keep my drunken state going. And then the rest of the day I would either ignore all that needed to be done or dig myself a deeper hole by doing destructive things or making unrealiastic promises.

After a few days, for some reason I would decide I have had enough and try to sober up. For me, it has been the most painful periods of my life. Having the DTs, the guilt, no sleep, no nutrition, and now 5-10 days of not getting anything done. As I would pull myself out of my binge, life would only be more unmanagable. The panic would only be worse.

I would tell myself all this, I would write it down, I would recite the consequences of drinking daily (for a week or two), but eventually it would all happen again.

And the Panic would continue and only get worse.

Last week, some of my panic finally subsided when I walked into AA for the first time, and I saw dozens of people just like me and heard their similiar stories and how they are beating this disease. I finally believed for the first time deep down that I could live sober.

I am determined to take life one day at a time. I am determined to let God be the center of the universe rather than me. And I am determined to give AA my best effort (one day at a time).

I pray to God that I have finally found the answer to staying sober and living my life without constant panic.

God Bless

[samf]

Hi, guys!

Woke up kind of sleepy this morning...on my first cup of coffee...waiting for my half a brain cell to dink on. ;D

Mikey, I understand about feeling out of place or uneasy. If you do decide to go, if it works like it did for me, people will start to get to know you and pretty soon you feel more a part of than apart from.

Pretty normal to have some uneasiness in a room full of folks you don't know...at least I think so. One thing I do know that helps me ride it out is they are all drunks, just like me.

Sam

[samf]

John, that's a great share! I could actually feel it while you were talking about it!

Then when I got sober still had anxiety, after the initial being off the booze, but you know it kept getting better. At first all I could do was ride it out...sure helped me to have people around me. I can't tell you how many meetings I hit.

Can sure relate to the good part only lasting a tiny bit, too.

Sam

[samf]

"How long have you been in AA and how often do you go? Do you have any problems with the anonymous thing? Do you go in your home town?"

I've been going to meetings since 1989, off and on. Right now I attend three meetings a week, regularly. Just went to a new one 20 miles from here, last night.

Been going to meetings up here for a few years...I'd guess since 2000. And I do go in my home town, yes.

I've never had problems with the anonymous thing. As a matter of fact, the one meeting place is right next to the sherriff's office and highway patrol.

The reason I never seemed to get wierd, here, is I know I am not doing anything wrong, so I don't have a problem with it.

When I first sobered up in AA, was in a big city, and it's easy, there, for me to feel semi-anonymous. And I was so desperate I don't know I really would have cared, at that point, anyway.

We have court ordered folks here, too.

Sam

[johnc]

"How long have you been in AA and how often do you go? Do you have any problems with the anonymous thing? Do you go in your home town?"

I've been going to meetings since 1989, off and on. Right now I attend three meetings a week, regularly. Just went to a new one 20 miles from here, last night.

Been going to meetings up here for a few years...I'd guess since 2000. And I do go in my home town, yes.

I've never had problems with the anonymous thing. As a matter of fact, the one meeting place is right next to the sherriff's office and highway patrol.

The reason I never seemed to get wierd, here, is I know I am not doing anything wrong, so I don't have a problem with it.

When I first sobered up in AA, was in a big city, and it's easy, there, for me to feel semi-anonymous. And I was so desperate I don't know I really would have cared, at that point, anyway.

We have court ordered folks here, too.

Sam




Sam, thanks for sharing that.

1989 is so far back. That is wonderful for you. I'm happy to hear it.

Regarding anonymous, it's something that I will continue to worry about. I'll keep attending the out of town meetings for now. It was a very good group, and I felt comfortable there. There are a few other men that I know in my town that no longer drink. I know at least one is AA. I'll begin talking to them gradually to see what is up in my area.


This is 11 DOS for me today, which I have done many, many times before but always on my own. At least one thing has finally changed for me - I'm on the first business trip of my life where I wasn't getting drunk while on it - and I have been on dozens of trips before. Flying home in the past has always meant having a few before leaving for the airport. Visiting the airport bar. Getting several airplane bottles on the plane and then drinking as soon as I get home (usually late at night) to knock myself out. None of that this time, and I couldn't be happier about it.

Summer has always been the toughest time for me to stay sober since it seems that everyone is constantly drinking around me. You know - go to the beach and drink - go to fireworks but get loaded first - go on a boat and drink - go to a barbecue and drink - etc, etc, etc.

One month left. I can do it one day at a time!

[samf]

That's great, how you are open to checking out meetings closer, and also to me I can understand being cautious about it!

And am so happy that you were able to stay sober this trip! It sounds like something is working, there...am real happy about your participation in AA....as is vital to me...so I tend to want that for everyone.

That's right...just a day at a time.

Helps when you can to get some phone numbers of folks you trust enough to call when you need help.

In a pinch, there may be a local AA number...or heck, if it's a small town...even one, long distance, you know?

AA's really do work at being there for each other....if you feel tempted or just need to talk.

I went last night to an AA intergroup campout speaker meeting....was just amazing to see all those AA's out there...I just love it.

Hope your today is the best, John!

Sam

[moon]

To the Monkeys on your back,wow do I relate and I promise that if you do the deal follow the steps go to meetings be actively involved with your sponsor and pray things will get better behind your wildest dreams.Hang inthere you are off to a great start

[fishdocdon]

Moon, in AA we try to PRACTICE THE PRINCIPLES in all our affairs. Drug dealers do the deal , Donald TRump does the deal. I know what u mean but with a little practice we can alter our habits . At my home group birthday night about 6 mos. ago 11 people were doing the deal. They all were new to the program but grasped the saying as it was easier to repeat with no thought. Of that 11 only 3 are still practicing the principles . Glad to have u around and don't let this old cuss mess with ur head too much. Love and prayers doc

[MIKEYBEEF]

Hey everyone. the monkeys want to climb on your back.With sobrietyifeel that I finally have somewhat of a control over them. Anyone else feel this way?

[samf]

"Hey everyone. the monkeys want to climb on your back.With sobrietyifeel that I finally have somewhat of a control over them. Anyone else feel this way?"

My truth is I never got sober on my own, so I never feel like I have control. I guess that's because the word control makes me think I can manage something on my own strength, unaided.

So I probably over-react to the word, control?

If I were just blurting things out, I'd say I can't control s*%#. I needed God's help. Or, if you will, I needed to find a Higher Power who could solve my drink problem.

Because when I tried to stop on my own, I never could.

And it had gotten past the point where I could control and enjoy my drinking.

Alcoholism...that particular monkey? Kicked my butt and took me to the cleaners.

Sam

[blossom]

Theres an oldtimer in one of my meetings who quite often shares this saying -

"The circus may have left town, but the monkeys still on my back!"

I like that saying because it reminds that while i work my steps, go to mtgs, keep contact with my HP and other alcoholics i can keep the circus out of town,but i must always remember that i carry the monkey of this illness on my back - and that will never go! I no longer see that as a burden anymore, it is just a fact that i always need to be aware of - but gauranteed that if i get slack in my program, as i often can (my sponsor calls it cruise control) the circus comes back with all its fanfare & custard pie flinging, which usually ends up with me having custard pie on my face!!

Love
Blossom

[kremjk]

Hey Hey we're the monkeys.
You never know where we'll be found.
So you better get ready.
We may be comming to your town. :D