MajestyJo
01-23-2012, 05:35 AM
Do you ever have any of the three P's in your life?
Perfectionism
Procrastination
Paralysis
Saw this posted on another site and it gave me food for thought. It didn't take much thought to identify them, but it gave me thought as to whether I have improved in these areas since coming into recovery.
I was very much the perfectionist. It was inbred into me I think. Especially the old tape, "If you can't do it right, don't do it at all." I had very high expectations on myself and I projected them onto other, people who were not able to meet them.
Finishing payroll at 9 p.m. was a good sign. At the end of my work, it was thank God for correction tape. I use to be a proof reader, and it got so I didn't see my own mistakes. My disease took me to a place where I was unemployable.
I went back to school in 2001, at 10 years sober and went for a computer course. The addict in me came away with a certificate for Business Administration on Computers. I did a work placement and got to glowing references and all it did was make me realize I had done my time, and didn't want to go back into the rat race. I left my volunteer job and they are wanting me to go back to work after my eye operation. I am not sure that I want to go back there.
This leads me to procrastination. I have to get a police clearance to go back to work. When I started working for Hamilton Housing thirteen years ago, I had no problems, but it has expired and I have to reapply. It would also help me with going into the jail to see the women for Al-Anon. I am wondering if I am really putting off, or just hold back because I don't know what way my God wants me to go, if He wants me to go at all. I like to think of moving forward rather than going back. If I am meant to work, then I would like to be doing something new.
The thing that paralyzed me, was fear of what the addict's reaction was going to be, and I finally under stood what the slogan, "Live and Let Live" meant. Live your own life and let the alcoholic/addict live their life. What they do is none of my business and visa versa.
I have also had total paralysis out of anger. I had a total rage come over me and couldn't move, in recovery. My girlfriends ex-husband, who I had never went by, went by in his van, and I recognized him from a picture, and I was consumed with total hatred for him for what he did to her and her son. I had company at my place, and when I went back, I asked them all to leave. I was incapable of being social and carrying on a conversation. I was two years sober at the time.
My first husband hit my across the face when I called him a silly a$$. I said to him, "That is what you get when you don't listen to me. I told you that we were all out of toothpaste and that I had cut open the tube for you to scrape clean to brush your teeth. He had called me and said, "JoAnne, this doesn't taste like toothpaste." I said, "What did you use." He showed me and I said, "Well anyone who would use that for toothpaste is a silly a$$! I got hit again. He had used a tube of salve that was silver with a blue prescription label on it. It was for a rash caused by Ban deoderant. I followed him and he turned and I thought I was going to be hit again, and I grabbed the broom. He looked at me, and if looks could kill, I would have been dead. I called my aunt to come and get me. We got back together again, I got pregnant with our son and he left when our son was 2 months old. Later I was told by my father-in-law that I was not a good wife and didn't know how to treat a husband. I said, "What are you talking about, I spoiled him rotten." He said, "What about the five scratch marks down his back that took a week to heal?" I was shocked and didn't believe him. I have no memory of doing it. My ex-husband never mentioned it even later when we got back together.
Most of my live was abuse, so I have had a lot of anger to deal with. God and I are working on it. Most times in today, I don't react like I use to. I wait until I can speak in a clear manner, put my thought together, and try not to bring myself down to the other persons level. That doesn't always happen, but luckily, I don't use the profanity and the derogatory phrases that I use to use. It was an area I needed a lot of healing because the abused can in turn, turn around and become the abuser.
My second husband like to use me as a punching bag but I started hitting back physically, mentally and emotionally. I don't hate either man in today. I figure the best thing I can do for all is to stay out of their lives. My first husband called not to long ago to check on our son and didn't know he had been in B.C. for a year. I could communicate with him better after we both re-married. It made me happy because his new wife made him pay his alimony payments.
Perfectionism
Procrastination
Paralysis
Saw this posted on another site and it gave me food for thought. It didn't take much thought to identify them, but it gave me thought as to whether I have improved in these areas since coming into recovery.
I was very much the perfectionist. It was inbred into me I think. Especially the old tape, "If you can't do it right, don't do it at all." I had very high expectations on myself and I projected them onto other, people who were not able to meet them.
Finishing payroll at 9 p.m. was a good sign. At the end of my work, it was thank God for correction tape. I use to be a proof reader, and it got so I didn't see my own mistakes. My disease took me to a place where I was unemployable.
I went back to school in 2001, at 10 years sober and went for a computer course. The addict in me came away with a certificate for Business Administration on Computers. I did a work placement and got to glowing references and all it did was make me realize I had done my time, and didn't want to go back into the rat race. I left my volunteer job and they are wanting me to go back to work after my eye operation. I am not sure that I want to go back there.
This leads me to procrastination. I have to get a police clearance to go back to work. When I started working for Hamilton Housing thirteen years ago, I had no problems, but it has expired and I have to reapply. It would also help me with going into the jail to see the women for Al-Anon. I am wondering if I am really putting off, or just hold back because I don't know what way my God wants me to go, if He wants me to go at all. I like to think of moving forward rather than going back. If I am meant to work, then I would like to be doing something new.
The thing that paralyzed me, was fear of what the addict's reaction was going to be, and I finally under stood what the slogan, "Live and Let Live" meant. Live your own life and let the alcoholic/addict live their life. What they do is none of my business and visa versa.
I have also had total paralysis out of anger. I had a total rage come over me and couldn't move, in recovery. My girlfriends ex-husband, who I had never went by, went by in his van, and I recognized him from a picture, and I was consumed with total hatred for him for what he did to her and her son. I had company at my place, and when I went back, I asked them all to leave. I was incapable of being social and carrying on a conversation. I was two years sober at the time.
My first husband hit my across the face when I called him a silly a$$. I said to him, "That is what you get when you don't listen to me. I told you that we were all out of toothpaste and that I had cut open the tube for you to scrape clean to brush your teeth. He had called me and said, "JoAnne, this doesn't taste like toothpaste." I said, "What did you use." He showed me and I said, "Well anyone who would use that for toothpaste is a silly a$$! I got hit again. He had used a tube of salve that was silver with a blue prescription label on it. It was for a rash caused by Ban deoderant. I followed him and he turned and I thought I was going to be hit again, and I grabbed the broom. He looked at me, and if looks could kill, I would have been dead. I called my aunt to come and get me. We got back together again, I got pregnant with our son and he left when our son was 2 months old. Later I was told by my father-in-law that I was not a good wife and didn't know how to treat a husband. I said, "What are you talking about, I spoiled him rotten." He said, "What about the five scratch marks down his back that took a week to heal?" I was shocked and didn't believe him. I have no memory of doing it. My ex-husband never mentioned it even later when we got back together.
Most of my live was abuse, so I have had a lot of anger to deal with. God and I are working on it. Most times in today, I don't react like I use to. I wait until I can speak in a clear manner, put my thought together, and try not to bring myself down to the other persons level. That doesn't always happen, but luckily, I don't use the profanity and the derogatory phrases that I use to use. It was an area I needed a lot of healing because the abused can in turn, turn around and become the abuser.
My second husband like to use me as a punching bag but I started hitting back physically, mentally and emotionally. I don't hate either man in today. I figure the best thing I can do for all is to stay out of their lives. My first husband called not to long ago to check on our son and didn't know he had been in B.C. for a year. I could communicate with him better after we both re-married. It made me happy because his new wife made him pay his alimony payments.